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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What's best for my DD? AIBU?

11 replies

neuroticmumof3 · 16/06/2012 16:04

I've posted before about DD's df but am not sure how to link the old post. Gist of the story is he's pretty useless, would prefer to sit around smoking pot with his mates than spend time with DD and even when he does see her he doesn't do much with her. At Easter he just didn't turn up for two weeks, no explanation, didn't respond to texts, wouldn't answer phone. Since then he has been seeing her on Saturdays and although he has turned up every time he's often been an hour late. One Saturday DD came with me when I walked the dog and when we got back he'd gone without even saying goodbye which did upset her a bit.

Anyway, this morning he was due at 9am, at 9.30am he texted me to say sorry he wasn't coming, he was helping a mate move house but he'd come much later in the afternoon and would spend tomorrow with her.

I was really cross about this, she'd been up since 6 and was really looking forward to seeing him. I texted back to say I was sick of his half arsed efforts at fatherhood, that he should put DD above mates and that not to come round later/tomorrow as it wasn't on to change plans at the last minute.

I'm now wondering if I've done the right thing. If he'd asked earlier in the week to change his day I would have been fine with it. Should I text him and apologise and tell him he can come tomorrow? Should I be really strict with him about seeing her as arranged or should I compromise so that she does at least get to see him?

OP posts:
IvanaNap · 16/06/2012 16:06

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IvanaNap · 16/06/2012 16:07

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hattifattner · 16/06/2012 16:10

I think if you allow him to walk all over the arrangements, he will continue to do so. Just stand your ground, then its up to him to see his DD. He will think twice about helping a friend out next time when he has a committment to his DD.

Id also be getting tough with him...say you will now meet him in the car park of (shop/pub/restaurant) at a set time and you will wait 20 minutes - if he fails to arrive, you will leave and carry on with your day.

Then its up to him to give notice of a change, or show up on time.

neuroticmumof3 · 16/06/2012 16:33

DD is 4. Contact takes place at my house as the place he lodges in isn't suitable to take DD to. The past couple of Saturdays he's been late, I've phoned at about 9.30 to see where he is only to find he hasn't even got up yet. He's only been on time once since Easter! I want to do what's best for DD, I'm just not sure what that is sometimes.

OP posts:
IvanaNap · 16/06/2012 16:45

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/06/2012 17:30

What's best for your DD? Love, stability, security, safety, a happy atmosphere and people who think she's fantastic.... etc.. If he isn't providing those simple things then he gets a very hard line. Reduce visits to just once a month and make it clear that he has to give those visits top priority. If he sticks to it, expand the visits to twice a month. If he can't do once a month, then she's better off without him.

neuroticmumof3 · 16/06/2012 18:19

My brain agrees with you Cogito but my heart is soft and wants DD to see her father tomorrow as it's Father's Day. I am feeling guilty and regretting that I got tough with him. I need to get past the temptation to send an apologetic text.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/06/2012 18:41

Guilt is for the birds. There's a little girl there being mucked around by the bloke that contributed half her DNA.... I wouldn't honour him with the title 'Father' quite honestly, never mind give him a special day Hmm .... and all you've done is stand up for her. He's just bleating because you asked him to behave like a normal, grown-up human being and not a feckless arse. Stick to your guns.

neuroticmumof3 · 16/06/2012 19:03

Very true Cogito, I shall.

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Whenthetoadcamehome · 16/06/2012 19:44

If you want to do what's best for your DD then tell him he turns up on time or not to bother. My DDad was a drumming nightmare at turnng up late or cancelling at the last minute and breaking my heart. All it taught me was that I deserved to be mucked about and wasn't good enough to be on time for. Que several shitty relationships in my youth before gettng a clue, with losers who mucked me about like no ones business.

Honestly, the best thing for her is relationships that boost her self esteem, not destroy it. X

Whenthetoadcamehome · 16/06/2012 19:45

Frikking, not drumming!

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