major trust and suspision issues

[ModernLydie]

Hey,
I'm new here.
I'm trying to think of a way to keep this short and sweet but there's so much to say. Maybe a list will help?
Hubby and I been together for 15yrs married 9 this year.
I suffer from longterm deprression and boderline personality disorder.
2 years ago i found out he had an affair with his boss, he had already stopped it but she was giving him grief (and sometimes violent).
In the months before she befriended me and moved to our town.
We became friends through the church.
We immediately vowed to make our marriage work.
We had 2 kids under 5.
I couldn't cope with day to day suspicions and trust issues, my illness got worse.
Last year I tried to end my life 3 times, the 3rd time i ended up in hospital which was a turning point and i refused to be that person anymore, I started getting well and being happy.
Oct last year husband asked me to leave as he wanted a seperation he didn't love me anymore and he didn't think i was well enough to look after kids.
Within 2 weeks I had a flat and found the strength to live on my own and eventually look after the kids on my own.
I am a different person now and I know why the seperation had to happen, it gave me my life back.
My husband and I have grown closer and in the last 4 months, fallen in love again. (I didn't stop)
We have decided to continue being husband and wife, but having a new relationship, not starting where we left off.
He is receiving induvidual counselling and agreed to relationship counselling.
We are not rushing this...........not putting a time limit on it. We want to make it right. (plus i love my flat too much to leave yet)
BUT....
'She' lives in our town. And down the road to him.
He still works with her, same 2 desk office and studio (specialist recording production so hardly any jobs out there to move to).
A new job is something we persued when this all came out 18 months ago and because it's so specialist, there's nothing out there (still....I'm still keeping an eye out)
The job is for the church and he feels it is his calling, I do too. I'd hate him to leave a job which seems literally handcrafted for him.
She though, is only the studio manager which can be done by anyone. I feel bad for trying to thing of ways to drive her out of her job, but that isn't very christian an is born from my anger toward her.
We share the kids 50/50 but due to his working hours i end up doing about 70%. This is an issue we are addressing as his commitment to his job was a sticking point in out marriage anyway ('Her' aside)

I read today about admitting my anger to God. Which I have.

I am not an overly happy clappy christian. Infact I think I'm boderline Bhuddist and Hippy. Maybe I should just say I'm spiritual. Whatever, my spirituality has returned me to who I used to be (with a few positive additions) and helped me live through the last 8 months.

My problem is; I'm trying so hard to get over this. I have put it in the past, i have no more questions about it. I have forgiven him but I don't think I've forgiven her. I'm very bitter.
I have given all this over to God. I am bowled over by his answers to prayers. My husband loves me again. I have a lot to thank God for.

I still suspect and have major trust issues, no matter what he says to relieve my fears. He's really trying. I've told him I need transparency but he sometimes forgets.
I saw her in town today (she didn't me) and i nearly fainted. With rage, bitterness, jealousy???

There's so much more to say but I feel i'm rabbiting somewhat.
I do hope at least one person reads this and may be able to give me some advice? Though I'm not sure what I'm asking.
I just don't want to mess this up again because of my mistrust and suspicion.

Sorry

You sound very confused and being pulled in all directions so perhaps a nutshell synopsis would help?

• He had an affair with his boss
• Getting back together made you ill owing to the suspicion and lack of trust
• You're 'kind of' back together now, living apart and sharing childcare. Sleeping together does that mean?
• You still don't trust her and by implication him.

My advice would be this. 'Trust', like love, is a very personal emotion that defies logic. Once it has been smashed, it has gone. No amount of persuasion, promises, effort or rational argument can create trust.

You are blaming yourself but you do not have 'major trust issues'. You have very sensible and realistic fears that the pair of them will betray you again. No woman can force a man to sleep with her if he doesn't want to If you don't trust her it means you don't trust him. You may have forgiven him and you may love him, but you don't trust him. And if you don't trust him, you need to make a clean break rather than torturing yourself with counselling. Committing your anger to God is all very well but do remember that he also helps those that help themselves.....

I think there is 2 issues.One is with your DH.To be fair to him,he does seem to be trying very hard to make things better.
1.Do you think he is still having an affair.Do you think he might in the future,with her or with someone else.
Trust takes a long time to rebuild.I hope he understands that you may not be able to do that for a very long time.
2.Her.She hasnt moved out of the job,though I suppose to be fair,they both had the affair,so she could say,why should she move any more than him.
Is she married herself.Have you also asked him whether she still flirts with him? Is she a Christian?
more questions than answers I know!

You're right that he can't drive the OW out of her job, but he can choose to work elsewhere himself, knowing that the constant spectre of them having any continuing relationship is going to continue to cause trust issues. You also use the pronoun "we" to describe his decisions about this and his search for a new job. This is something he should be doing on his own.

I don't think you have forgiven him if you haven't forgiven her too BTW. It's okay not to forgive either of them. No-one says you have to do that.

If you truly trusted him and thought that he was as committed to the health of your relationship as you, you wouldn't feel this threatened by the OW or any other woman in fact. Your feelings towards her would be anger - perhaps pity - but not fear.

Maybe you're not quite there yet and frankly that would be understandable, so if I were you I'd remain separated, stop sleeping with him and stick to a co-parenting relationship (more like 50-50 too!) until you truly know whether he's worth a second chance. On this evidence, it doesn't sound like he's done anything like enough to deserve it.

I admit, i won't ever trust him 100%.
I don't have 'mind movies' about them being together anymore. I'm passed that stage. I have dealt with that part of the deception. I also know that if our marriage wasn't at fault the affair wouldn't have happened.
I do blame myself for a lot but that is part of my personality. I am working on that with my mental health worker and he is working toward giving me confidence too.

I have told him that we have to deal with the suspision issues, I am doing all I can but he has to do a lot more. If it turns out I can't live with it and it doesn't get better over time, I will have to reconsider our reconcilliation. It nearly broke his heart. I explained, not as much as him having an affair did mine. (I try not to bring this up too much now as that is in the past and i can't change it)
He is moving offices so he can keep contact with her to a minimum.

I have had the option to go on dates and have met people but rather than feeling excited I dreaded it. It felt wrong. Like I was the one being the betrayer. I know Love is and emotion but I am also choosing to Love my husband. Leaving him would have been a lot easier.
Yes, we have been sleeping together but also spending evenings together, going to the cinema, concerts, dinnerdates. We've reconnected. I believe all this has happened for a reason.
I go a lot on gut feeling and that feeling is that this is not over. I would never forgive myself if i didn't give this one more go. He knows he is on his last chance.

I have grown so much, taught myself that i can live without him, fend for myself, look after my kids, despite my illness. I have shown, not only him, but everyone else that I can help myself and I now excel in it.

I guess the rest is up to him. I've done as much as I can.

It sounds like you are doing ok.Dont forget that by sleeping with someone else,he broke the marriage.You do not owe him anything.I will repeat it again.He broke it.Going on dates with other people is acceptable,as he broke the marriage.
It is not about his heart any more,it is about yours.

You sound like you're blaming yourself in part for him having an affair. Did he tell you that he wouldn't have done this if your marriage had been better then? This marriage with 2 kids under 5?

Why didn't you have an affair then, if your marriage was that bad?

You are not choosing to love your husband. You are acting out of a combination of guilt and some idea that marriage should be for life, no matter what. Blaming yourself is keeping you trapped. So is the belief that you should be able to put all of this behind you, forgive and forget, and trust your husband once more. Just because you can't, it doesn't mean you have 'issues'... it means you're a normal, fully functioning, emotionally intelligent human being.

'To err is human. To forgive is divine'.... let God forgive your husband. Don't beat yourself up thinking you have to.

Cogito...thankyou for your words. I do however, want to continue a relationship with H. I am not being forced into having a relationship with him. I do feel guilty about a lot of things but it has more to do with my upbringing than the way he's making me feel. I'm not trapped, I have been given the option many times to walk away and can do at any point but I have chosen not to because of my love for him.
and thankyou everyone else for your words too.
He knows what he has done and is driving himself mad with the guilt. Guilt he is putting himself through and receiving counselling for (amongst other things). I make a point of not bringing the 'affair' into conversation all the time.
I told him the other day that if i told him all the times that i wondered if he was 'with' her, then he would have put a stop to us months ago as I would be bordering on phsychotic. He has said previously, we need to do something to help you with that. Last week he said I (as in he) need to do something about that to help you. Doesn't seem like much but to me, a massive breakthrough.

The OW was a very good friend of my sister and aunt and uncle, so i knew her years ago, then H got a job at the same place as she. She seperated then divorced her husband. 8 months after I found out i finally told my sister who then told me and H that she knew of at least 3 people the OW has 'been with' during the period of their affair. Premiscuous *sp? isn't the word. I do pity her, the obviously has some serious intamcy issues. I confronted her outright, at the time and she blatantly denied the whole thing. Even after I told her I had seen the letters and cards she had sent him. She denied it to my sister too.
When I found out, H went into work and told her, she went mentl and almost smashed up the office. She told him to come home and tell me he had made it all up and all they had were feelings. He came straight home and told me this. She is obviously mental. I wouldn't put it passed her to claim sexual harrassment if H complained about her behaviour toward him (which is sometimes almost bullying).
I know to an outsider it looks like he will be better out of that job anyway and I agree considering the amount of stress it causing him. There are only so many times i can tell him that before it turns into nagging. I know what the marriage counsellor will tell him and i'm hoping at that point it might hit home to him, if it doesn't then i will give him an ultimatum as I am not going to play 2nd fiddle to work.

I'm going to church with him tomorrow for the first time since we split. Lets see what that brings!