He's at it again, isn't he? Knows just how to make me sad ...

[Hidinginthewoods]

It's the 1st anniversary of my Mum's death this weekend, how I wish I'd known about MN then...

I have a long back history:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1345595-AIBU-to-not-take-back-ex-H-thats-threatening-suicide

My Ex-H was an alcohol dependent EA, cheating bastard to me in the 18months I was nursing my terminally ill parents

I left him, cut most contact & he has our 2 DS's every sat 7pm til Sun eve 7pm.
Mostly this works fine, I still occasionally get the drunk/abusive- you don't give a shit about me texts, but ignore them all.

We both work full-time, he has never given me a penny in the 18m we've been sep, in fact I have 'lent' him hundreds in that time (due to him constantly making our old joint acc o/d) & always send DS's with a hamper for their stay.

With it being DM's anniversary on the 18th, I had long ago agreed/arranged with other elderly distant relatives we would get together this wknd to 'remember Mum'

What I only realised a few weeks ago was it was also Fathers day.

My DD 18 talked to her Dad, explained/asked was it ok for him to return DS's a bit early so they could see relatives. Ex agreed. (MIL went mental, but that's another story).

I heard today my VERY elderly relatives are in fact too poorly to travel tomorrow, so text Ex-H & said we could revert to original arrangements... he text me thus:

"I've been really busy at work & am completely fucked will drop them back at 12 as you requested."

I actually really hate him right now & am having to really restrain myself from texting him to fuck off out of my children's lives, who NEVER ask about their 'Dad', who deserve better than an asshole who would rather play mind games with their Mum because she will be reflectively grieving this wknd & not thinking about him.

Please tell me to ignore him.

~I'm so tempted to pack the tent & disappear for the whole weekend now.

What a complete knob jockey! And breathe. You deserve better. Your children deserve so much better. Don't react and demean yourself in the face of this cock provocation. Thinking of you grieving for your Mum xx

I've re-read my post & I'm in the wrong aren't I?

I'm really over-sensitive at the moment, I thought he would want to have them, I don't mind them being at home with me, they'll keep me busy.

Just I know from his tone of message he's probably cutting his nose off to spite his face, as in trying to wind me up/create the scenario of 'hidden's not coping again'
Oh fuckety fuck

I've done so well for 18m. Never once let him know his manipulative shit affects me.

But

it's my MUM x

He went AWOL 2 days after she died & did his 1st ' I can't cope/suicidal' act.
A year later & I am still letting him occupy my brain-space.
I really think I hate him now. I've moved & really made a fresh start, thinking of divorce & proper arrangements regarding finances & contact now he's pullled this stunt.

I don't really know the backstory but based on your OP it doesn't really seem that unreasonable. He was prepared to leave them back early to suit your arrangements and now those arrangements have changed again. I would give him the benefit of the doubt and think he isn't doing it to wind you up but had just made arrangements to have the afternoon to himself and didn't want to change again but then he isn't my EA cheating Ex-H so it's probably easier or me to think like that!

Yes, i think you're in the wrong here im afraid but on the whole he sounds vile. Why have you still got a joint account with him?

You're not in the wrong OP. Maybe it's a bit easier for him to push your buttons because things are harder for you just at this moment? And maybe you expected better from him - but I'm sure it's not the first time you've over-estimated him. With the issues you describe your ex as having, there's only 'me me me'!

Sorry you lost your mum though. I'm sure it's a very hard time for you. :(

Its such a difficult time for you, one year on.. I really feel for you. Whatever he does or doesn't do, just look after yourself and your kids, you're the one they can rely on and you're there for them. Of course you're sensitive about things atm - if he doesn't want to keep them for the whole day, that's his loss (he sounds just like my ex re cutting off his nose etc etc). Take care of yourself this weekend (((hiding)))

btw, speak to the bank asap re cancelling the o/d and setting up a new a/c in your sole name

Thankyou everyone.
It's so hard to separate all the feelings rushing around me (again)

I know my Ex-H

He's doing this on purpose

he is doing it to spite me

he is not busy Sunday

but I should really be able to anticipate that by now, after 25 years.
Thanks, because as I said, I wish I'd had MN during My DM & DF's deaths.

I read a lot on here, and it isn't as though you all 'normalise' real life; however you make it acceptable to discuss the aspects of real-life we feel may not be 'normal'. I would never discuss any of this in RL, I'd feel like a Jeremy Kyle freak

bumbleymummy- do you live with your children's dad? If you had a change of arrangements & knew your partner wasn't busy on his only day off, wouldn't you re-offer the chance for him to spend it with HIS children ????

Basically in the last fortnight my 2 x DS's will only spend 5 hours awake with their Dad !!!
I really thought I was being reasonable offering him a precious chance to spend more time with our lovely boys
and due to the reasons being reasonable changing the arrangements in the 1st place.

Of course it was reasonable of you to offer but I don't necessarily think its unreasonable for him to refuse. He may have made plans for the afternoon when he changed the arrangements. It's his loss anyway - you'll get to have your lovely boys with you and hopefully they will help you through the day.

Sorry, when you changed the arrangements.

Thanks .
I know I'm letting him get to me, & it's just not worth it anymore.
Rant over
(because i've travelled this path on a loop for 25 years )

Use the energy generated by your righteous anger to break the loop separate your finances and get yourself to a solicitor who specialises in family law to divorce the manipulative twunt, and to set contact/child support in tablets of stone.

Here's a toast to your dm honey.

Do her and your df proud by remembering them with tears of happiness for all they gave you. They're never far from your side - talk to them as you always did and they'll comfort you in times of need and celebrate with you in times of joy.

HEAR HEAR!
< clinks wineglass>

Thankyou izzyizin & tallwivglasses

Had a good nights sleep- woken up by the chitter-chattering of my boys playing, sun's shining & my poker-face has been restored.

I will start investigating legal matters this week after DM's day of remembrance.

What izzy and tall said.

If you know he's playing games then don't engage. Just text back "thanks" or something neutral so he has nothing to come back to you with.

Hope the anniversary passes gently

Thanks, he picked boys up as arranged & dropped them back as I 'requested', have spent a lovely day with DD, DS'S& Dsis...

only prob is he's started on FB now

Made a really nasty comment on a link I shared...
I am assuming he's really pissed, as he doesn't have the boys tonight or the balls to accept he's an alcoholic

totally un-necessary but becoming par for the course.

Will the path of seperation ever run smoothly?

As soon as you divorce him, it'll run as smooth as silk...

thanks izzyizin; I looked into divorce proceedings on-line, seems I will have to wait another 6months before I can begin....

Why will you have to wait? Is it because you married 6 months ago and have to wait a year before you can apply for divorce?

2 years sep before I can file it, if I'm wrong let me know !