Hep me to get my relationship with DP back

[doggiemumma]

We have been through quite a bit recently (i dont want to go into it as i have posted on mnet for a long time - namechanged, and i am not wanting to discuss all of that as it clouds the issue i have now) but things are getting better. (mostly financial and some MH issues (me)).

The thing is though, i am worried it has ruined us and that the relationship wont recover.

We bicker all the time, we are both uptight when it comes to the weekends as this is when our flash points seem to be.

Please don't tell me to spend more time on our own together - we just don't have access to childcare.

Our sex life seems to be really dropping off and if anything this is the biggest red flag for me as throughout all the crap, our sex life has always been good - we would probably do it every day, if not every other day. Now its lucky if its once or twice a week (this has been recent and we have been together 20 years).

We are going on our first family holiday in 4 years next week and im nervous about it, im fretting that we wont have enough spending money and that this will cause friction. We are already bickering over the money, its my fault but i just want us to RELAX and enjoy a week together as a family with no arguments.

I think we are together for the sake of our DD.

I fantasised about meeting someone else earlier today, probably to get back to how it felt for me before it went all cold between me and DP. But i coudlnt do it, to him, or to my DD, she ADORES him. If ever we did split up (and this is not impossible actually) i would probably have to let my DD live with DP as i just couldn't split them up. I know she would choose to be with him anway.

I do sometimes think it would be kinder of me to walk away and let them be happy together, but i know DD would miss me so i have to make it work with her dad. More importantly, i do still love him. The vibes i am getting from him are that he probably feels exactly the same as i do.

Not sure if this will solve the problems deep down but:

Make a massive effort not to bicker. It takes two to bicker. Try breathing hard, walking away, doing something unexpected like going up to him and putting your arm around him, laugh at something together. Bickering is a habit and you can break it.

I would also be honest that you are nervous about the holiday, I'd say something like 'I'm really looking forward to the holiday, I'm a bit nervous, it hasn't been easy between us lately, has it?' I've found being honest and discussing when we have ups and downs much easier than pretending they are not happening and then getting all nervous. As you say, he may feel the same.

Hope you enjoy your holiday, you sound like you deserve one!

Thanks mumsy - you are right, it is a habit, we are both defensive. I made a comment earlier - "oh its nice to be popular" with false sarcasm because i had two dogs sat on my lap and whilst it was nice, it was rather uncomfortable. He just said "what now"

I hope your enjoy your holiday too. What are you worried about specifically? Can you do anything about it now? Our holiday flash points have been over packing and eating out. Can you work together to manage expectations and don't forget the groundsheet if you're camping in a swamp.

DH and I started watching box sets a couple of years ago. It's a moveable feast and means that we're 'doing' something together several nights a week.

Im a control freak, Lambethlil I am stricter with DD than he is and this causes friction. Trivial things like he would let her have coke and i dont want her to have it, he lets her stay up late, i dont think its good for her. She does tend to play to an audience (of course she does, she's 6) and will play up when we are all together, but if she is jus twith one of us then shes a sweetheart. I think this says more about us than her, she is clearly sensing tension and reacting to it. I just want the holiday to be perfect, but we have hardly any money (the holiday was a clubcard voucher holiday) so will be tense - im praying for good weather because we can't really afford expensive museum visits etc. I have anxiety issues - i am seeing a mental health person for assesment this week. Its something i have had before, dont think it ever really left me.

"can you work together to manage expectations" his answer to that would be "yes, don't keep GOING ON about things" i do nag

Getting help for your anxiety will really help this situation, you are probably nagging as you are on edge yourself rather than because your husband is more than usually irritating (well, he probably is a bit irritating!)

Try to keep in mind the main goal of each thing you do. So, if you are out for a meal, the main goal is not to argue, have a fun time, and for your dd to enjoy herself. I wouldn't make too much of a fuss then, given those goals, about one coke on a holiday. I would say 'daddy says it's fine, so go on then, just this once but you won't be having it back in the UK' or whatever. With the bedtime, again on holidays, children often do go much later, so perhaps adjust your expectations, say to whatever a holiday bedtime is (8.30 or 9) and go with that. If your dd goes to bed later, you will get to sleep in later too.

In other words, don't win the battle (over the coke, the bedtime) but lose the war (having a happy holiday as a family). I'm not saying give in on everything, but consider relaxing yourself on holiday and perhaps nothing terrible will happen. You might have a nicer time than you think.

DD sounds gorgeous and just like my 2 when they were little show offs! I would save yourself some stress by oking the coke, but keeping to bedtimes. We've always had a coke only on holiday and now they're older weekends, I think it's the daily drinking of it that's best avoided.

Can you research some museum stuff now so that at least if you have to escape the rain it won't be expensive? Also vouchers for meals? Can you borrow a national trust card? You can borrow my English heritage card if you pm me.

im not worried about holiday bedtime, but she has only just gone to sleep = with DP laying with her, we don't have evenings. He refuses to take a harder line over bedtime. He is out on a wednesday night - DD is in bed asleep after having story at 8/30 which i think is a bit too late, but its earlier than when he does it. But really, thats another issue - you are right, i do need to relax i know this.

I think in my mind i have set this holiday up as the thing that makes/breaks us. I wont be convinced we are going until i actually get there and check in. It feels jinxed somehow. Which is why im being tyrannical about it now i think

Lambeth, that is so extremely kind of you - i don't know what to say! i could however borrow a friends and that is a very good point, i will ask her. But thankyou anyway. I might get a EH card next year though as we have membership to local wildlife park and novelty seems to be wearing off (after the 156th visit!)

It is definately my anxiety though - i am constantly on edge and wanting things to be perfect, which i know they can't be, who is?

I am going to pretty much repeat what Mumsy said, but I have been in a similar situation to you.

We had some 'stuff' happen, mostly centered around my mh. Things got more stable, but we started bickering and snapping & like you, anything fun or 'nice' that was planned became horrible because it was stressful and tense. we also have a lot of financial issues and so the tension also stemmed from that.

After a few months of this, knowing it was close to spitting us up we sat down and had a long talk. It was difficult but eventually we realised we were both arguing because of worries/anger to do with the big, horrible things that happened when my mh issues exploded (there were other things too). Would it work to sit down with your DH and have a very long, frank talk? I begun with my dp by saying i really thought we'd spilt up soon if we didn't resolve it - so we are trying our hardest too, and it is working.

We really try not to bicker and try to be very open about our feelings. If i am angry for no real reason, i'll admit it - or if i am angry with him but am being irrational, i will tell him ect. We also stop when we start to bicker & just have a big hug..then try and change the subject. it sounds a bit silly, and i suppose it is - but often the things we bicker and snap about are so often minor and stupid a big bear hug helps us realize we don't need to squabble about the kettle or the sodding dog, and we do care about each other.

Things like hugging and touching are very important, but it is so difficult to do if you are annoyed with your dh or wound up - which is why i think maybe talking...or shouting..about the real issues may help. but even the phyiscal touching takes practice.

I am very much a control freak, and have a long weekend away with dp coming up. we are also very worried about money. we sat down together and made a list of what we were willing to spend, and looked up money off vouchers etc. we have things vaugley planned in advance, but do not feel bound to a schedule, which is what usually happens. I am also trying to accept that nothing can be perfect. A holiday away may include some bickering and fighting and a few bad patches, no one can get on all the time, but it doesn't have to ruin it.

My dp accuses me of nagging...all.the.time! during our long talk I told him that he needs to listen to a certain amount of my 'nagging' because it is how we process my anxiety and I need to verbally work it out. Since i explained why, he is a bit better. It is still difficult & I now know why he feels it is 'nagging' when i feel it is just talking & explaining.

I am sorry you are struggling so much with anxiety, it really is horrible. I hope the assessment goes well. I have had very severe anxiety and other mh issues for over a decade now, I recently found the combination of medication that works for me & it has dramatically altered the way I view things & am able to tolerate change - It has made my relationship with dp so much easier. I hope that any treatment has the same effect on you - mh issues often have such a dramatic effect on relationship and it is easy to underestimate that effect - but even if it is the anxiety that is at the root, please remember if it in no way your fault. Often dh's or dp's struggle to understand they behaviors/thoughts of a partner/spouse with mh issues, which is why i have found clear communication has really helped me.

I hope things improve for you soon.

that sounds exactly like us twitch. My DP wont talk though, he would be "but why do you want to go on about that now, we are ok" Its so frustrating. Like you, he feels im nagging when im not, im talking and explaining. Like if i tell DD off, she runs to daddy, i then try and explain why i might have raised my voice. But no, im then tittle tattling He can be exasperating.

He totally doesn't get my anxiety, just doesnt understand, its almost like he dpesn't want to - head in sand syndrome i think. This is not me saying he is bad, he isn't but he has put up with my issues for about five years now and its worn him down so he has zero sympathy.

will hopefully get some CBT after the assesment, not wanting drugs again as DP said i was like a zombie when i was on ADs before.

Hi Doggie.

Do you think a book on anxiety or your dh talking to a dr/your dr/part of your mh team would help him help you, iyswim? When things hit the fan with me & DP I ordered him a book that focused on my mh issue & relationships..there are def ones out there focused on partners of people who suffer from severe anxiety. My DP found it much easier to take advice from a book and from talking to my CPN, after that he was much more willing to listen what I have to say. I know this would only work if he would be willing to read up on it, there is also stuff on the internet and leaflets, groups of families/carers of people with mh issues, but I think a book may be a good starting point.

CBT can be amazing for anxiety - with meds, yes. some can equal zombie-headedness but there are so, so many out there - the zombie side effect may have been because it belonged to a certain 'family' of medications so a different family may suit you better. If your mh team thinks they will be of use to you though, in conjunction with the cbt, they will probably be happy to talk to your DH to see if he has any concerns they can help with :)

I also understand the not wanting to understand syndrome. how can you see things panning out if he doesn't change? only asking as I think that that may change how you could go about trying to fix the situation - if you can carry on like this it may be worth waiting to see if the CBT helps things within the relationship and if he could speak to some one when you are established in the mh team about any worries he may have - but if it is getting beyond being able to wait do you think Relate could be of help? they are big on aiding communication.

Thanks twitch, you know, my DP doesnt even really know what my appointment is about on tuesday.. I feel that i need to sort out that side of things for myself. That and sort my job out - i am hoping that once ive sorted mysef out instead of trying to sort "us" that "we" fall into place.

I love my DP very much, just don't feel "in love" with him just now and i want that back. Maybe this holiday will help, if i can just relax

I really do think you can turn this around. I found that when things started to spiral a bit out of control in my life I became really controlling around petty issues. Probably something to do with feeling a need to control something iyswim. i think you may have fallen into this trap too.

It really helped me to let go - for me one thing was letting the dogs in the carpeted areas downstairs. OK so the house is a bit grubbier and smellier, and there is more hoovering, but just letting go was good for me, and the dogs themselves are relaxing to be around.

If you can try to relax, and let go of the rules you have which bring you into conflict with your DH. Pick your battles - save the discussions for the big issues.

Talk to your DH, and tell him how you feel. Have a hug when you are stressed. You will turn this around.

OP, When my anxiety was full blown, a holiday could have tipped me over the edge.

What I find helped is handing over the responsibility for the holiday to DH. He really stepped up and took all the stress of it away from me.

Didn't stop me from wishing it was over while I was there but was enough so I didn't inflict my stuff on everyone else.

It's so hard but it will get better. I'm very well now and actually really enjoyed our last family holiday. It takes a while but I got there and so will you.

What was it that did it for you katie, with the holiday? It is the wanting everything picture postcard perfect that does it for me - it is like i picture a boden wearing family having wholesome days out and want it to be like that. the only item of boden clothing i have ever had was second hand for dd! But you know what i mean. So then of course any bit of narkiness by DD makess me think we are a dysfunctional family and its all crap.

Am doing well today "letting go" and we are going to a fair for fathers day - normally id be "but we can't afford it" "we are going away next week FFS" etc but im being "good"

I spoke to DH honestly about my issues with holidays. I felt worse when I didn't have immediate access to my "safe space", i.e my home. I said I couldn't deal with all the organising, preparation etc. and he agreed to take this on in it's entirety. I don't usually relinquish control easily (my way of controlling the anxiety) but I swallowed and did it.

I put no great expectations on myself for the holiday(s) other than to go and try to give DH and the DC's good memories. I managed that well. They had a blast and I survived!

Our last holiday was a cruise and I can honestly say it was the first family holiday I really enjoyed. It helps when you are not ground down by panic. Also the movement was excellent for sleep . Up till now I have dreaded family holidays, now I can't wait for our next one. It feels good.

at a cruise being fun for an anxious person My idea of hell - being on a boat, piloted by someone who isn't my dp (about the only form of transport im comfortable with is car driven by DP, or train because my dad used to work on the railway) everything else is a trigger for me. We are having to go on a ferry and im dreading it, its only the isle of wight but im terrified!

I don't mind the organising, in fact, im happiest when i have organised things, but expect people to fall in exactly with my plans.

Heres a mad thing though - we saw a couple we know and i happen to know that the DH has had an affair, what i do not know is if she knows, but i suspect she does as their relationship seems very touchy feely and loving compared to ours, and it really bought things home to me - because it used to be the other way around, we would be the loved up ones and they were quite cool with each other - now we are the cool ones :( I said to DP that maybe he should have an affair (and i actually wouldnt mind if it brought us back closer together again)

Just wanted to say I'm doing a free online CBT course called MoodGYM (google it) which I'm finding helpful. It helps with anxiety and combatting warped thoughts - your need for everything to be perfect for example.
Anxiety is so exhausting... I feel for you. Letting go of the anxiety may seem impossible but it really isn't.
Our relationship is recovering from a traumatic time. I think you can move on if you both want to, we are going to Relate counselling which I'm hoping will help.

I did moodgym before, its ok but i found it to be too detached from how my life is just now. I am seeing a counsellor tomorrow for an assesment to try and get CBT as my doctor agrees with me that is what will benefit me the most. She says i should be quite adamant that i need cbt and not be pushed into general counselling.