why is it the small things that make me cry?

[minmooch]

Long story so I will keep it short.
Got divorced from exh when 2 ds were 5 & 6. Exh was EA and it took me a few years to recognise, accept, get strong and leave. That was 10 years ago.
Blissfully single for 5 years and then met NSDH 5 years ago. Thought I had learnt my lesson from first marriage but 5 years down the line he is showing his true colours and they are not nice.

8 months ago my eldest ds was diagnosed with an extremely aggressive life threatening illness and we spent 6 months living in hospital. We have been home for 2 months. During all this time NSDH has been extremely cold, heartless, unloving and downright nasty. He has admitted to not being able to support me emotionally, running away physically, resenting the financial implications of me not being able to work and he does not love me. He refuses to go to any counselling either with me or on his own. His appalling behaviour has been witnessed by family so I know that I am not making this up. The list of his EA is long and I don?t need to write it down to know that this is what he does.
I am divorcing him. I know that this is the right thing to do for my sake and for my ds. I am strong. I cope with my son?s devastating illness night and day. I am coping with looking after my other son (my sons dad is very involved in looking after them but I am the main carer). I am coping with another divorce. I am coping with trying to find a new home.

What I can?t cope with are NSDH snide remarks and lies. I have recently heard about the term gaslighting and I think this is what he does.
For eg my car. When we met I owned a car. We part-ex it for a larger car when I was pregnant (miscarried later but that?s another story) and NSDH put in extra cash for it as a birthday present. Now we are divorcing he says he did no such thing, as in buy the rest of the car for my birthday, and wants his money out of it (its an old car not worth more than £6K). I need a car to take my son to hospital. Keeping ?my? car will not leave him without transportation as he owns 3 other cars (1 incredibly valuable) and a scooter. I know he would be laughed out of court if he argued for my car or part of the money from it, I think he knows it, my solicitor knows it and so must his. It?s the principle of him saying that he never gave it to me, that I am lying, and that he wants money from it. I know without fail that he gave it to me.
Likewise a camera. My camera died and NSDH bought me a new one (not expensive about £80). I was happy to buy my own one but he wanted to buy it for me. Showed it off to my parents, everyone knew it was my camera, it lived in hospital with me for 6 months and has never been used by NSDH for work. This morning I asked him where it was ? he said it was at the office, it was his work camera. I pulled him up on this as it was a gift and he has another camera (sitting on his desk at home) that is his and that he has always used for his work camera. He again said that he had never bought it for me as a gift. He did. I know he did but obviously I can?t prove it. He says I am lying ? why would I? I have so much more important things to worry about. Again it is the principle of him changing things, lying, making me doubt myself.
I cant find the right words when he does this to me. I feel shocked that he does this and then stumble over my words. I cant prove that he bought me these things as gifts but why is it so necessary for him to do this?
These small incidences are so insignificant in the main scheme of what is going on in my life. But I cope with the other huge bits, I have to be strong for my sons. Why do I let it get to me these small things that NSDH does ? he gets me in tears over it.
I am not seeking advice ? I am divorcing him, I know that this is the right thing to do. It is all just so draining and I hate him for being so horrible to me at this time (its not a matter of money to him ? he has lots and I will struggle when I am on my own).

That is so awful for you, not surprised you are upset. There must be a way for you to keep your car, hope other mumsnetters can advise.

Mahoosive (((hugs) for you and both of your ds, honey, and I hope that your eldest has made a full recovery.

The utter twat you are rightly divorcing is a weak and pathetic creature whose only way of convincing himself that he's a 'man' is to throw his weight around.

Imagine that you (and your dc) are surrounded by protective teflon coated flexible bubbles which don't restrict your movements in any way or interfere with any of your senses.

When the twat opens his mouth, see his words as a stream of liquid shit. Watch the shit hit your protective bubble and boomerang back to cover him in crap, leaving you unsullied, unharmed, and completely unmoved. Watch how any remnants of shit slides off of your bubble and disappear into thin air.

Take no notice of anything he says and let him make a prat of himself in front of lawyers and the like.

How soon will it be before you are living separately? Pre-empt the fucker by gathering up any items that are precious, or will be of particular use, to you and store them with a friend/family member until you can display them in your new home.

If the car is registered in your name, don't give it another thought. Possession is more than nine tenths of the law If he continues ot bang on about it, simply respond with 'mmm, I'll talk to my solicitor about that'.

Everyone will answer your whole posts. I just want to say that crying is the most theraputic thing you can do. It heals thats what its there for. Just split up with bastard ex and for a while I couldnt cry i became sick. I now cry at the drop of the hat. It's supposed to happen. Just do it and keep doing it until you don't want to do it anymore.

ebb - I will keep the car. It's just him fighting over it that makes me tired. He's got other cars, this has always been mine, it is now registered for disabled use for my son. It's his pettyness, meaness and trying to make out that I am changing what he did.

izzy - My son has a long, long road of recovery ahead of him, treatment for another year at least and physically a lot longer. Hopefully we will be out within 8 weeks - I dont think my stress levels will last much longer. The car is registered in my name, it's his attitude that gets me. You are right in that he is weak and pathetic. His only ammunition words. He told me the other day that my view of love was 'skewed'. I would have laughed if I had not been so shocked that he could possibly say that - he has watched me look after my son through his illness whilst trying to hold the family together - he could not even get off the sofa to give me a hug when i came home one night after receiving devastating news about my ds. His coldness has been breathtaking and yet he can tell my view on love is skewed - he doesn't have a clue.

MissFav - The thing is I cant afford to cry. I have to keep strong for my sons and if I really started to cry I fear that I would never stop. This is the thing that infuriates me that I am holding it together for the sake of both my sons but my NSDH wants to drive me to tears. I know that tears are healing but I dont want to waste a tear on my NSDH.

Thank you for replying - it helps to write it down. It's so hard when these things go round and round your head.

In my experience, holding it together is easier for the big stuff because you have to, can make the littler things harder to deal with. The last straw really. I wouldn't be surprised if you are depressed as a result of what's going on - which contributes.

I would barely flinch when my boyfriend called me names, shouted at me etc. I would burst into tears if I missed my bus.

Wishing you all the best and sending hugs

It's spite, complete and utter pure spite on his part . Of course it makes you cry. The rest of the stuff you are dealing with is just how it is so you can cope but deliberate meaness and spite will blind side you.

He sounds disgusting. If you can just get that mind set. Look at him when he does it and think to yourself "you are disgusting". It's so hard I know. My ex was master of the false, unfair accusation and the hurt and need to defend myself against BULLSHIT! was overwhelming, even though he did much worse in the marriage, that was what really stung.

Im so sorry for the rough time you find yourself in
i take your point about crying, but I do think its natures way of finding a little release. Could you have a girls night with a friend and a tear jerker movie? That way yure not giving him a tear but youre getting some release anyway?
Hugs

Sometimes you need to cry, but feel that you can't risk crying over the big things. The little things that make you cry are safer as you don't feel that you'll cry forever over them.

I can remember a few years ago, needing to cry over something big, but not daring to. I went to a neighbours funeral, and tears were pouring down my face. Don't get me wrong, I was really upset by his death, but, for me, at that time it was a 'safe' thing to cry about, because I knew that the tears would stop, and not engulf me without end.