Big decision ahead - advice needed

[allgonewrong]

Regular mumsnetter but I've changed my name for this for pretty obvious reasons.

I'd been single for over 3 years when I met a bloke and we started dating. This was 3 months ago. I've known him for slightly longer, say, 6 months. I wanted to be sure about things before getting involved with him. Upshot is that I found out yesterday that I'm pregnant. I told him. He was surprisingly good about it. Said he'd respect whatever decision I made but that we'd only been going out for a short time it wasn't the best idea. He's right. He sent me a text last night after we'd met up to speak about things. I apologised that we were in this situation and accepted my half of the responsibility for it. So he said: "There's no need to apologise. It's your decision which I totally respect. Give me some time to come to terms with this. I have responsibilities here that I do not intend to ignore. And so far as I'm concerned, generally, nothing has changed. Perhaps we could talk at the weekend? x"

I feel in such turmoil about what to do. I am already a single parent to my dd and have been for over 4 years now. This was my first real relationship in that time. I wouldn't have chosen to have a child with him now but the reality is that I'm pregnant and that kind of perspective is not going to help. I have a good job, live in a nice house and feel I could support another child on my own if it came to that. He seems like he intends on being around but my decision will be based on him not being. Is that fair to this child to bring him/her into the world without knowledge that they will have a dad?

Looking for support, advice, opinions.

Do you want this Baby

Do you think the pair of you can build a relationship? Do you love him?

We do have a good relationship. I do love him and he loves me. Things were/are going really well. We had planned our summer holiday away with my dd. I'm not sure about the do I want the baby question. Part of me says yes and the other part says no. That's where the conflict stems from. It's really difficult because I don't know what to do for the best. He's not threatening to leave me if I go through with it. If anything his text indicates that things will be fine and that he just needs time. I respect that. This is a big shock for me, too.

We've had conflicts before and I've always been proud of how solid our relationshp is. In the past, maybe I've lacked maturity. He's kind, thoughtful, understanding and I do love him. But as he said if he'd asked me a month ago if I wanted to have a baby with him I'd have said no. That much is true.

A baby puts a hell of a strain on a relationship. Now probably is not a good time. Think of the longterm. Do you really want to be with him for the rest of your life? think how hard it was when having your DD. Could you go through all that again?

Get away for a few days by yourself and clear your head.

He's very different to dd's dad in a lot of important ways. I know all too well that a baby strains a relationship which is another factor in my decision. We used protection and, ok, I know there is no 100% effective method but this has always worked for me in the past. I am angry I'm in this situation. It's still easy for him to say one thing or another but a lot harder for me. At the end of the day I either have this baby or terminate. I am not sure I have the mental strength to go through with a termination. I'm pro-choice and would argue for any woman's right to terminate. Now I'm in this situation, I don't feel confident I could live with the consequences.

He sounds like he's going to be there for you - you definitely need to lose the text messaging and have a proper talk and then the decision will hopefully come naturally.

I wish you all the best.

We did meet up to talk last night and the text message came after that. We'll meet up again next week and I hope I have a clearer idea of what I want by then, too.

You poor thing. You have my sympathy... Am also single mother. Not too long ago I got accidentally preg (using contraception) by someone I'd been going out wtih for a while but wasn't sure about. Was dreading having to have a termination but had deep misgivings abotu whether it was the right situation in which to bring a child. Had an early miscarriage, which took the decision out of my hands and to tell you the truth all I have felt since is relief.

You will need a lot more mental strengh to have a baby than a termination, IMHO.

For what it's worth your boyfriend sounds like a nice guy. Even if you terminate this pregnancy you could go on to have a baby with him at a later date when things are more settled and you have built a more secure family.

Good luck whatever you decide.

So, teaorcoffee, you now need a plan (bossy kbear!).

Plan to do one small thing every day and slowly your confidence will improve and you will stop over analysing. We've all done that though so don't stress about it. I'm a fairly confident person but I've come out of a toddler group wondering if I talk too much or what so and so thought of me! Oh and MN meetups too!

So go to the library one day, toddler group another day, find out about other groups in your area Surestart?), your local sports centre might run a tumble tots kind of thing, call them - soon you'll be so busy and sociable you'll wonder why you worried. How about taking the plunge and do post for MNers in your area for a meet?

Keep us posted.

sorry, posted on the wrong thread!