Feeling really low & confused

[Spidersmum]

My DH has told me he is leaving. He has done this every now & then during our marriage but this time he seems to really mean it. He says I am domineering & controlling & he will "disappear" if he doesn't leave. We have DCs between us, the youngest is 3 next month. We have had a few counselling sessions about communication problems & things like him working all the time & children squabbling but yesterday he brought 3 A4 sheets & read out a statement saying that he is leaving, the terms of the separation practically & financially & that it is all my fault because I am too controlling. I am devastated. He is still in the house because he has a home office (which he slept in last night) although he is going to his parents' tonight. He won't talk to me or make eye contact except to say that the only way he can cope with our relationship is to go to the doctors to be "fixed" otherwise he will go mad. I feel sick, I can't eat or sleep & feel well & truly in the shit. Why is it all my fault?

Are you controlling?

Yikes. Sounds horrid. And he sounds like a twat (though I know there are 2 sides to every story). 'controlling' is code for 'but mummy never asked me to wash up', ime.

Does he have mental health issues?

Well I don't know whether you are controlling or not OP, but if he has threatened to leave, has all the terms of your separation sorted out already and is apportioning blame through a statement, I'd say he's the controlling one at the moment. He also sounds like a drama queen and probably pretty hard work. If he's threatened to leave before but not gone through with it then maybe time to let him know that that decision is not all his. You might just not want him back. Has he considered this scenario? Have you?

Try to think more practically about what your options are and what you want next rather than dwelling on what you might or might not have done wrong, on who is most to blame and on responding to his childish behaviour and threats.

Wow he sounds mean.

If he is determined to go there is not a lot you can do to stop him leaving so if it is possible stop worrying that he is going to leave and just assume he is. He sounds like he uses threats of leaving to control you when he feels you are not behaving as he thinks you should. As he has made the decision he is going, help him pack as calmly as you can and don't give in.

He can bring out as many A4 sheets of paper detailing the practical and financial decisions he has made. And he says you sound controlling

You can completely ignore these. Do not agree to anything until you have had proper advise and know where you stand.

I suggest you let him leave if he is determined or if he is just being dramatic do not rise to it.

Get yourself to all the CAB or some initial time with a lawyer so you know where you stand. Power is knowledge even if you never have to use it. Make a list of all the things you need to sort out (if he does go). Council for single person council tax, bank accounts, pensions, mortgage, savings, maintenance, when he sees the children etc.

If he is using this to beat you into submission then it is up to you if that is a life you are happy to live or if you tell him next time he makes that threat he can see it through as you cannot live like that.

A 3 x A4 sheet statement?! No eye contact? I really think he has some kind of mental problem or breakdown because that sounds way off the radar. (Does 'fixed' mean a vasectomy or psychiatric treatment do you think?) When someone's behaviour is that extreme, I don't think anything their partner did or didn't do would make any difference. In your situation I would try not to take what he says too personally but call his parents & advise them that you are very worried about his state of mind. Do you have friends or family that can come and stay with you?

It's funny how two people can read the same thing completely differently isn't it.

I took the 3 x A4 as he has been disengaged from OP for a while and is on the attack to make sure he gets what he wants and keep her wrong footed. That the complete lack of eye contact and conversation is also because he has long left the relationship (maybe due to an Ow) even though there is nothing in the first post to say such a thing.

As Cogito says if it is a metal problem/breakdown it isn't your fault and make sure you get all the support you need too.

He says his parents support his decision & have been concerned about him marrying me from the beginning so they will not be best pleased if I contact them & say I think he is mentally ill! He has shown signs of mental health problems but he says this is due to me. I don't know if I am controlling - obviously I don't think I am but I guess I am very efficient domestically but don't expect others to be too. I know I can't stop him going. Just feel gutted

By "fixed" he meant getting antidepressants or tranquillisers to be able to cope with me.

I seriously doubt anyone needs medication in order to cope with you. He sounds like he struggles to cope with life generally which is quite different. You just happen to be nearest, unfortunately. Easy target. I still think you should contact his parents to say you are concerned. He may say they support him but he also says you are controlling. Personally I wouldn't believe him if he said today was Friday.

Its so difficult to advise tbh. Do you think you are controlling? Do you know where this statement comes from.
If you look at it from another pov, he could have wrote it down because you are controlling and he wanted to order his thoughts. He may see it as he has tried to leave before, but you are so controlling he can't. I am not saying you are. But I imagine he could argue his side that would make it seem more normal.
I think you are right about not contacting his parents. They will think you are trying to control him further. Especially if that's the line he is spinning them.
Did he give any particular examples?

In counselling the only example he could give of me being controlling is that I leave the dishwasher door open which is dangerous & that I don't speak to him with enough respect in front of the DCs. However he has shouted & sworn at me in front of them at times which I never have so it's a bit rich. He has taken over the utility room cupboards as a personal shoe store, had the garage converted into an office/music room just for him, constantly complained about the mattress/pillows to the point where I've spent a fortune on goose pillows & latex mattress toppers but he still doesn't sleep well & he has withdrawn sex & intimacy.

It sounds like he's doing you a favour by leaving. What do you think?

But did he give examples in his 3 page statement? Do you think you might be controlling? He sounds like he has alot, but that's not always a sign of not being controlled.
I don't get how leaving the dishwasher door open is controlling. Dangerous yes (not enough to leave a marriage), controlling - no.

You're describing a lot of the classic symptoms of an emotional abuser. He's the controlling one but he accuses you, for example. He shouts and swears but it's your fault he can't cope. I definitely think he has some clinical psychosis/crisis going on as well... working extreme hours, various obsessions (bedding, music, shoes), 3 sides of A4 list of complaints, no eye contact... but that's just my amateur take. All in all he sounds utterly messed up

He may benefit from medical assistance but, in the meantime, get yourself some practical help and legal advice. None of this is your fault and I'm sorry you're having to experience it.

I think he's got it the wrong way around.

Log all this stuff, either put it down here or keep notes elsewhere. There's always the possibility that you will need all this sort of thing at your fingertips once things get moving. Put down all the things you remember when you remember them.

TBH, it sounds like you're better off without him.

Get yourself to a solicitor next week and have your own A4 sheets drawn up, honey.

It may be cliched but, far from being a mental health issue, reading from a script and lack of eye contact suggests to me that he's got another woman agenda.

Just to be devil's advocate here - I'm pretty sure I've read this exact post before on MN, except from the other side. That is - a DW being advised that if she can't get a word in or has been unable to express herself and her unhappiness in front of her controlling spouse, that she should write it down and read it out (to manage the anxiety, be able to get message across). I obviously know next to nothing about your relationship and am not judging, but could it be that he does feel you're controlling and that he's been unable to express himself without anxiety? The 'getting fixed' is just mean and unnecessary though.

I don't know. He's managed to express himself before! He's always been able to complain if not happy about something. It's all very confusing.

Writing down your feelings etc is a bit different from writing down your intention to leave the marriage and the terms of your separation, both practical and financial, followed by a blanket statement such as "too controlling".

Spidersmum, I'm sorry that it's happened like this, but I think it is over for you. I think you should now be seeing a solicitor to work out what you want from the separation.