Hi I urgently need some third party perspective on myself and dh's marriage.
Bit of background info : We're known eachother 7 years, been together for 6, and married for 4. We have a ds who is 20 months. We've had 'problems' ever since I became pregnant really - ds was unplanned (I'd had a tummy bug and accidentally missed one) and when I found out I was expecting I was very shocked and for a while even wanted to terminate (I dont mean to upset anyone who reads this who is ttc or having problems conceiving, this is just my personal experience) but dh was dead set against that idea, so I went ahead with the pregnancy (and thank God I did, my ds is my reason for living, I couldn't adore him more) but it created a deep set feeling of mistrust and resentment between me and dh. He couldn't believe that I could contemplate such a dreadful thing (in his opinion) and I couldn't believe that he could make me have a child which I wasn't emotionally, financially or mentally ready for yet. We have spent some time in counselling, and we have worked through these feelings, I just feel that they started the 'rot'
We both adore our ds beyond all else. All else including eachother it seems. I freely admit that I love my ds more than my dh. But I know that is wrong. My dh and I don't have a happy marriage anymore. We bicker, we argue, we don't treat eachother with much respect, and the physical side of our relationship is poor at best. There was a time when we couldnt keep our hands off eachother, but now I have to force myself to sleep with him once a month. I seem to involuntarily shrug him off when he tries to cuddle me without even realising I'm doing it.
We recently went away for a couple nights to a nice hotel, left ds with my dad. And while we had a good time, we laughed, chatted, even made love.. at night I still turned away from him and wished things were different.
Thing is, I do want us to work. There was a time when we were in love. And ds worships his daddy, and us as a family unit. We don't get a lot of privacy at the moment, due to money issues we are staying at my Dads house, been here since Oct, earliest we'll be out is March. So it can be a bit awkward, as my brother lives here too.
The last thing (and thank you so much of you have read this far) is that I am not what you would call a strong person. I suffer with depression and anxiety quite badly, I take pretty strong anti d's for it, and I think I would struggle as a single mother. I also have emetophobia and I get so afraid when ds is sick. I don't know how I'd cope if I was alone with him.
WWYD in my situation? Thanks so much.