Is moving the right thing to do?

[NeverCleverLand]

I've name changed, but I don't know why as anyone reading this will know who I am.

Theres a few different factors, but I'll try to keep it short.

Since leaving Uni, DH and I have lived in a different part of the country to our families, moving a fair bit. DH has always wanted to settle in his home town and about a year after having DS, we decided we should move to be closer to his family. Its a lovely town and his family are great.

FIL has a large house in the Country and he very kindly offered us the chance to stay with him while we sorted our selves and with jobs and such. We've been here about 6 months and both have jobs.

I'm very unhappy. The house is far out of town and DH and I don't drive. I feel like a skivvy, lots of people are in and out of the house due to the nature of FIL's business and I'm cleaning up after everyone all day. It makes me sad that when DS toddles along the floor his feet/babygrow gets dirty even though i hoover and mop regularly. FIL is a good man but there are some factors which I don't want to go into that make living here difficult. Basically I wake up sad every day, and due to distance out of town and work schedules DH and I don't see each other that much and when we do we don't really get time alone, or as just the 3 of us.

A lovely house that we wanted a few months ago but the timing wasn't right has become available to rent again. We could now afford to move out, its in a lovely location and I know that is we were in our own little house just the 3 of us again I would be very happy and content, even if it is renting. I've done a budget and we could save at least £200ish a month after bills and food.

After uni we came out with some debts (overdraft/credit card) and since moving we've paid a lot off, but we still have a bit left to go, but we'd have £200 a month to do this with.

DH isn't sure, I think he wants to move out but thinks it would be sensible to stay here and pay more off, which of course it would be, but like I said, I'm so so unhappy and have never felt like this before. I know I don't need to go to the doctor for tablets or anything like that as I know what would make me happy, our own place again. DH is out at work all day and i'm stuck here, so I don't think he knows how bad it is. We can move into this house at the beginning of next month. His new job pays more and the rent on this house is cheaper than we were paying before, and we've paid a lot off so we're already better off as far as I see it. Also, its a slow rental market in this area and good houses don't come up very often.

I knows its long for something so trivial, but I don't know what to do, stay here and be miserable because DH has some doubts and lose out on a great house, or move but risk DH being resentful?

There are points in every relationship where you have to demand something because it's important to you. In this case, you need to put your foot down and demand you have your own home. It isn't unreasonable in the slightest.

Thank you :) I think he thinks I'm being selfish and putting my needs ahead of our financial future, and I can see his point, but I just feel like it would be the best thing for as all as long as we were still saving, it would take longer, but we would all be happy and less tired.

Thank you though, you've made me feel much better :)

After reading the property pages last week I announced (jokingly) to DS that, if we sold Cog Mansions and bought a caravan, we would be rich beyond our wildest dreams. If I did that, our financial future would be set... but we would be very cramped & bloody miserable.

Financial futures are very important but nothing beats having your own front door.

We loved in a place that made us both unhappy and I would never want to do that again. If you were saying that you couldn't really afford to move, then I might suggest sticking with it for a bit longer. But if you're sure your sums stack up and you could manage the financial side fine, I would say you should live somewhere you are both happy

lived!!

While you are there, can you not learn to drive so that you have more freedom?

Never, you, your H and DS need your own space in order to function as a family unit. Your H is being unreasonable in calling you selfish to want that.

Was watching Dr Phil today (the doyenne of relationship philosophy ) and he said something that struck me as very important. He was dealing with a marriage that had become dysfunctional. He said

"Most people think that a relationship should be 50:50. Not so. A relationship should be the H giving 100% to do what the wife desired/wants. And similarly the wife should be doing 100% to give what the H wants/desires."

Very wise words dontcha think? The trick is for each partner to find out what the other wants and to do their absolute best to provide that (within reason, of course). So compare your situation - you are running around and cleaning after everyone and providing for their needs, but what are you getting from them?

I have considered learning to drive first, but frankly that's just a small part of my general unhappiness. The house would mean there would be no rush to learn to drive as its just next to town (close enough to walk to schools for DS, shops, church but a quiet cul-de-sac). I would like to learn eventually as I know I'd have more freedom but TBH have never been that fussed. If I stayed here and learnt to drive I'd still be unhappy. And I wouldn't really want to pay for a car.

OOOhh Dr Phil is a clever man :)

What's your DH's view on when you could move? How different are the timescales? I can relate to how you feel - being unhappy in a house when you're a SAHM is akin to being very unhappy at work 24hrs a day. No one would suggest your DH stays in a job that is making him depressed.

I think your DH can't see how this impacts you but that doesn't mean your feelings are invalid. It's hard to advise when we don't know the exact financial picture but if you genuinely feel it's do'able then it's not unreasonable to go for your own house.

Sometimes you do have to assert yourself and put yourself first, it isn't selfish to want to stop feeling low or depressed, it's actually the most caring thing you can do for your son.

TBH he isn't being very clear on what he wants, but he tends to be very catious and wary of change, He's particularly concerned about what his dad might say. Fil gets very angry and heated when we mention renting and moving out. His dad likes having us here because I think he's quite lonely and also the cooking and cleaning is taken care of. He's a nice man but I feel like he's trying to control what we do and he just thinks it would be better for everyone if we stayed here for years on end. when we moved here we agreed it would just be for a couple months. DH thinks people would judge us for renting again but I couldn't give a toss. He needs to be clear with me I think.

BTW.... always best with these things if you get some way down the road of making it happen beforehand. Call the estate agent and tell them you're interested. Don't let them rent it to someone else. Start getting the deposit together. Start packing. Not quite a fait accompli but simply expediting things once you give him the news.

If "people" would judge you for renting, you know some peculiar people!

"His dad likes having us here because I think he's quite lonely and also the cooking and cleaning is taken care of."

That alone would have me packing the cases.

No one else is viewing the house and if I give the £200 which we can easily afford the house is ours

thank you all for your advice!

Your priority is your own family of 3 and his Father will, presumably, be close by. You can still see him regularly, cook him meals etc, so he will be better off than he was when you lived further away. You need your own space and, however wonderful family are, you need to have a chance to get your own wee family space. Go for it. You husband's priority should be you and not his Dad or his bank manager.

So start packing your stuff and get the £200 in a metaphorical envelope. When you next see FIL start making 'leaving noises'... 'we've loved your hospitality'... 'you must come round for supper'... 'blah blah blah' expectation setting and ignore the tantrums. When you're married to a stick in the mud, especially one dominated by his Dad, sometimes you have to force the issue or you'll never get anywhere. This won't be the last time you have to call the shots.

Ah OK, now we have a better idea of the dynamics in your situation.

Your FIL is controlling, and most likely has been for all of your H's life. Your H is probably a little afraid of his F and so avoids confrontation in fear of setting his F off. This will have been a dynamic that has built up over a couple of decades (I am assuming you and your H are about 25-30, correct me if that's not right).

Does your H recognise how controlling your FIL is? Is you H prepared to step up and be "the man" in your family unit? Or will he continually give in to your FIL? At some point H is going to have to decide to be the man in your family unit, which does not include your FIL.

As you have said, your FIL is lonely and likes having the cooking and cleaning done, but it is not you and your H responsibillity to make sure that his needs are fulfilled - he needs to man up and take care of his own needs.

As a bare minimum, it would be prudent to have a discussion with H about the household dynamics that you have described, and see what he says.

Go put £200 on the house today, get packing, and tell your dh the date you'll be moving - with or without him

If you don't snap this ideal home up someone else will, and if you don't move out of your FIL's asap you'll be there until he pops his clogs.

Soften the blow for FIL by telling him you'll be visiting him frequently if he drives over to pick you up and he'll be able to visit you.