Unhappy in marriage - aibu?

[FrizzyFrazzled]

I have been with DH for 10 years, married 18 months, a DS aged 2 and DD 2 15 weeks.
He has always been a bit lazy and without drive, and grumpy in the mornings. He had a hugely traumatic few events happen to him in his late teens so when we first got together (after these things happened) I kind of thought this was his time to be young, if you see what I mean. I wanted to bring happiness into his life and I was very easy going about things like, his sleeping in til ridiculously late ALL THE TIME, bit grumpy, not really getting that involved with my family - he does not have a family as such, so I know he finds that whole thing awkward.
However, here we are almost a decade down the line, married, two gorgeous kids and a mortgage and I think I have let it go on until he thinks it is normal.
I always, every day, get up at 5am with the DC. I can't remember the last time I had a lie-in, and when I do, DH goes baack to bed as soon as I get up (would usually be on his day off). I mostly freelance from home, and do most of my work through naptimes and when DC are in bed. I have to ask specifically and remind and remind if I need DH to take over for a few hours for me to work if I have a deadline etc.
He works half days, half nights (til about 9pm, though, so evenings would be more accurate) and on the days when he works nights he starts 2-ish. He generally gets up at 1230pm, gets ready for work, is deeply grumpy, and then goes to work - so no time with DC or me. I don;t like this, he knows I don't, but I am a wimp really not fond of arguing, so I don't really bring it up very much. He is a lovely dad, fun, caring, and DS adores him, but I feel a bit like it has to be on his terms - when he has had plenty of sleep, when it is afternoon, etc.
Usually all of this is a niggle - it bothers me, but the rest of our relationship is good, so I put up with it - as I am sure most of us put up with things that we are not overly thrilled about.
But now - I am TIRED. I have recently started freelancing again (started a part time job out of home but found it too hard being away from DD) so I am not only working, but scouting for work which in itself is tiring, and DD has started pre-teething, and DS is just a ball of energy who needs exercise, fresh air and entertainment all the time. (He does go to kindy one day a week.) So it bothers me that he is in bed knowing I am up with the two kids. We have had two arguments about it this week and I sent him a tex earlier (I was at playgroup with the kids and knew he would have left for work when I got home) telling him I was fed up with his feeling it was fine for him to be so moody and unhelpful in the mornings. I know, I know, textin = bad, but I am not good at face to face confrontation, I end up crying and he ends up storming off and I feel like my message doesn;t get through.
I don't know what I am asking really. I suppose I just wanted to vent.
I must point out I do feel bad writing this because DH is generally kind, funny, tolerant and gentle. It's just that he puts sleep before us, it feels like!

Sorry for typos!!
Also, sister coming over soon so I have not abandoned thread, just may be away for a while :)

Working until 9pm is not working nights

He should be getting up with the rest of you and taking the kids to playgroup so you can work.

What a lazy shite.

THe kids are both your responsibilities- he needs to realise (and you have to make hi i'm afraid) that he has to step up. He needs to get up and help out, you cannot be expected to do it on your own. Tell him to get his arse out of bed

When you said he works half nights I was ready to be sympathetic about the messing-up effect of split shifts, but he only works 2 - 9pm? Then erm, what's wrong with going to bed around midnight and getting up again at 7? He's probably grumpy from too much sleep.

Major arse kicking time methinks. It'll be quite a shock to him after a decade of pampering, but guess what: you're supposed to be a family, you know, one of those groups of people who all pitch in together to make life nicer for each other. Not one human being, two pets and a robot slave.

I thought on first reading he actually worked nights and was a bit sympathetic as some people just can't deal with the constant changes and trying to sleep in the day. He doesn't work nights though he just works later in the day sometimes right? Why on earth is he staying in bed until 12.30? He doesn't need catch up sleep. He can get in have a quick supper and go to bed at a normal time. DH and I take alternate mornings so we each get a mini lie in every other day (until 7-8am) and each have a longer lie in (until 9) on weekends. Could you suggest this sort of sharing?
I think you do need to talk. Find a calm and unchallenging time and address it in a practical sort of way not emotionally charged! I think if you let this go on you will get ground down by the tiredness and start to resent him in all sorts of other ways (I would!). Best to sort this issue now rather than let it fester and affect the rest of your relationship more and more.

You've not a hope in hell of him changing if he's behaved this way for 10 years, sorry. Not while you're making allowances for him being kind funny and tolerant. If he doesn't think there is any consequence to not taking you seriously, he will have no incentive to change.

Agree with Cogito. This has gone on waaaay too long. I just can't believe he lies in bed while you deal with two little ones. If you really really want change then you have to be prepared to lay it on the line. If it's just a rant, and I get that too, then rant away, but he won't change without being made to see the light! What a lazy arse.

when we first got together (after these things happened) I kind of thought this was his time to be young, if you see what I mean. I wanted to bring happiness into his life

He's an adult, honey, and as such he's as responsible for bringing happiness into his own life as we all are.

I agree with Cogito. Unless you drop the Pollyanna act and take those kid gloves off, you haven't got a snowball in hell's chance of bringing about any change in his attitude.

After 10 years of sleeping whenever, and for as long as, it suits him it's time for the manchild you've indulged to wake up and smell the java.

After you get up in the morning, encourage your little ds to play with a drum in the bedroom.

Btw, 10 years is ample time for him to have learned a few social skills such as interacting with your family.

Thanks all, I agree I have been Pollyanna-ish and need to lay down the law. I do hate confrontation which is why I have let it get to this point but I realise I have to get over that, really. I have to point out that it is serious and I don't want resentment to build and ruin our relationship.
Annie, I agree he is probably grumpy from too much sleep! And Cogito I also accept I have a role to play in this too - I am a bit of a pushover, but I really feel like I have gotten to the stage now where it is making it hard to enjoy our relationship, so I will have The Talk. Maybe tonight when he gets home! (Not in UK time zone.)
Thanks again for your wise words!

with a drum I like your thinking izzy

How do you figure he's a good dad if he won't look after his children? Your son will be fully aware that his dad keeps trying to get away from him.

He doesn'ttry to get awy from him though, in the afternoons/on his days off he plays with him, reads to him, takes him out etc. He just is grumpy and unengaged in the mornings, or for about an hour after he wakes up.
And the thing is (and I apologise for drip-feeding if that is what I am doing) his point of view is that I should ask if I need help and he will help me - but it's not that I "need help" sometimes, it's that I think we should just hang out together while the kids are so little and when we are home at the same time. And when I do need help, it makes me feel hostile that I have to ask for help - shouldn;t it be offered, willingly? I have said this to him; I think he agrees and knows he is crap in this way but then he is better for a week or two then things start to slip back. Old habits die hard I suppose. I will have to come down harder.
Sounds like I am talking about a teenager...

"his point of view is that I should ask if I need help and he will help me"

So his point of view is that the childcare is your responsibility, never his, and that you must ask for "help" rather than ever being able to rely on him?

Wow.

Yes it does sound like that. He does try to get away from your son, in the mornings. When your DH is on evenings, your son is up for 7 hours before he sees his dad and even then his dad has no interest, is grumpy with him and then heads of to work until after your son is in bed. A child knows when someone's time and attention is conditional. I would wager that your son knows that you will be there for him whatever but that he is less sure about his dad. A person being kind and fun at some times of the day but grumpy and disengaged at others can be a real headfuck for a child. I would let your DH know that you will not have your children treated like that.

Apart from his past, is there anything that you think could be disturbing him? Sleeping too much, lack of energy(to do simple house tasks) are signs of depression building up. We may think men do not get depressed easily but tbh, some do. And it takes a while before even a very close person to them to notice. Then I afew months/years, it come out clear, anger, irrational thinking and alcohole abuse, worse case scenario delusion. In other words, turn to a schizophrenic being.
I'd say, before laying out how you feel about him not helping voluntarily plus sleeping too much...try to find out how he is feeling. Not about the family, himself, his job and try see if he still thinks about his past.
If he confessess some of these issues, I'd suggest he seeks councelling/therapy.
You have said he is a lovely H so then something isn't right somewhere, you might not see it but it COULD be there, and there is only one way to find out,,talk to him calmly. But hey, if he is cool, there is no way in the world he can't help! Get him working. Women are not horses, give birth and also raise single handedly whilst he is sleeping? :o
Goodluck honey, all will be well.

Maybe not relevant, but when my two daughters were a lot younger I was a service engineer.

But even though I may have been out all night I never had problems helping them get ready for school or whatvpever they were doing.

Maybe I am in the minority(but I hope not) but I loved being part of their growing up.

Any time something happened that I couldn't be involved with due to work, made me feel like I was missing out

Sleeping as much as this man appears to do is unhealthy. It's also apparently something of an abuser-indicator: insisting on sleeping when the rest of the family is awake and expecting them all to be quiet and wait till the Lord and Master wakes up can be a sign of someone who is a controlling bully.

(People who work night shifts are of course in a different category).

Thanks lovelymummy. I have wondered if there is something else but he insists everything is fine. I'll ask again. I did speak to him today and he was quiet, agreed that it wasn't fair and said he would be up at a more reasonable hour from now on. Time will tell I guess.
CailinDana, I touched upon what you said and I think it shocked him a bit as I don't think he had thought of it that way before. He would never want to intentionally make DS feel rejected by him.
Solidgoldbrass, I know what you mean, and I agree he sleeps more than is normal (particularly for a dad of two little ones), but he doesn't insist we are quiet. DS is the kind of boy who can't be quiet for long anyway, and DH just seems to sleep through it. If DS goes into the bedroom and wakes him up, he doesn't get angry or anything, he'll have a chat and a cuddle with him then just go back to sleep! He isn't controlling or a bully, I can definitively say that. Just very sleepy and lazy and thoughtless(when it comes to this issue) really.
Thanks all - this is food for thought :)

I seem to disagree with everyone else on here, but here it is anyway. Why do you get up at 5am every single day? Is that not rather too early? 6.30am or 7am I could understand, but is it really necessary to get up at 5am?

As for your DH, my guess would be that he needs some down time after he comes in from work, likes to relax and watch tv, and has got into a slightly bad habit of getting up after midday. I'd try to encourage him to go to bed for 1am to start with and get up by 11am, and then take it from there.

But honestly, I do think I'd find it a bit hard to live with someone who insists on getting up at 5am every single day. As I say, no-one else on here seems to find it odd, so maybe its just me.

geegee888 - I get up with my baby and my toddler. Baby has a feed at 5am, byt 530, my toddler is raring to go. I certainly don't "insist" on starting the day at 5am, it is exhausting, and it would not be my choice, but not entirely sure what you think an alternative might be?

I think your DH sounds like a lazy shite. However I also agree with geegee888 that getting up at 5am is a bit antisocial. No wonder you are exhausted. I have a two-year old, and she wakes up at 6:30 at the very earliest, sometimes 7:30. If she woke up earlier I would give her cuddle and put her back in the cot with some toys. Not much can be done about a 15 week old I guess, although I would be feeding and putting back to bed rather than encouraging them to start their day at 5am.