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Relationships

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Original poster

Death and Divorce

19 replies

NotQuiteCockney · 24/02/2006 10:58

A couple of acquaintances of mine, over the years, have had marriages break up soon after the death of a parent (of one of the spouses). I didn't know either of the people well enough to ask how that happened, but I'm curious.

Has anyone here been through this? Is it common? Why does it happen?

(No, I'm not going through this myself.)

OP posts:

NotActuallyAMum · 24/02/2006 11:34

No personal experience but I've read in magazines that the death of a parent quite often triggers the end of a marriage/relationship

Don't know why though

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 24/02/2006 11:41

I'm thinking it might be partly because people no longer are avoiding divorce because it would annoy their parents?

I also suspect that a lot of people go off the rails after a death - infidelity, drinking, drugs, whatever. (Again, I'm not doing these things. But I can certainly understand the urge to do them, rather than deal with grief.)

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mummytosteven · 24/02/2006 11:43

I imagine that death of somebody close will bring home your own mortality to you, the fact that you've just got one life, so would make you think "what's the point" to life, and make you keener to challenge the status quo. When my gran died in 2001 I did a lot of thinking about "the point of life", which resulted in me being a lot keener to have a baby sooner rather than later.

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 24/02/2006 11:45

Yeah, absolutely. It might be the impetus to end a relationship you weren't happy with anyway.

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overdraft · 24/02/2006 11:46

I reckn lots of reasons

death of a close one makes you evaluate your own life and where your at,are you happy and can you make changes.If parent young too it makes you think life is to short to be unhappy.

2.when parent dies one partner may become depressed and self absorbed by the whole thing and neglect the other.Partner finds attention elsewhere ( read this)

you inherite loads of money.A partner you have stayed with just because they are loaded is no longer needed.

There my thoughts

winnie · 24/02/2006 11:46

Having gone through this myself I believe that it was the change in me that dh couldn't cope with (I found it very difficult to cope & virtually had a breakdown after the sudden death of my Dad). Dh had always expected me to be the person he married and when I wasn't he couldn't cope.

winnie · 24/02/2006 11:47

Agree with mummytosteven too. Death of a close loved one does bring up all kind of questions.

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 24/02/2006 11:52

That makes sense, winnie.

I am finding it very very hard to just grieve. DH is fine with me leaning on him, but it's hard to go from being a mum, and keeping it all together (ha, well, as much as I ever do), to just letting it all go, you know?

I really miss being an irresponsible teenager, able to go to bed for a few days if something horrible happened.

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Marina · 24/02/2006 11:55

Any bereavement really NQC. Our long-term, generally happy partnership very nearly went west after our second son was stillborn. It is VERY common for couples to separate following the death of a child, and a double knife in the heart for all concerned.
Pressure of keeping up some semblance of normality for ds was a critical factor.

winnie · 24/02/2006 12:01

NQC, you do need to grieve... however you need to do that. Initially following Dad's death and as nok I coped v, v well but in trying to keep myself together for everyone else I actually stopped coping and fell apart. It took months for this to happen and it put a huge strain on our relationship. I expected dh to have some sympathy and understanding and he expected me to 'grieve and get on with life' but it isn't that simple and quite frankly it took me two years to get to a point when I'd say the grieving process was past. (Although I don't believe in the time will heal thing. I believe yo udo at some point just learn to live with it.)
Sadly for me by the time I got to a more stable place my mother had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. However, I have dealt with her death very differently and I grieve in my own way but am allowing myself to grieve. It is bizarre that only six weeks on people expect one to be over it! NQC if you want a chat offline CAT me and although I may not be able to reply straight away I will get back to you.

notasheep · 24/02/2006 12:51

NQC- i think it is quite common- i am having probs with relationship with dp and have actually thought the best time to split up with him would be after my parents die.
Dont want all the heartache and questions from my parents-and as i am already divorced,feel a bit of a relationship failure so feel i am hurting them again

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 24/02/2006 16:38

Marina, I had read that about deaths of children. DH and I have been through two miscarriages together, and thankfully those didn't seem to mess things up between us. (We've also been through the deaths of both of his grans, but both were in their 90s and the deaths weren't unexpected.)

This death does seem worse to me, because it's closer to home, unexpected, and something we're not really going through together, iyswim.

winnie, I'm not really sure what I will do to grieve. I will try to get myself some time off over the next few years. DH does seem to understand that this may well take me weeks/months/years to get through. He wants me to ask for help if I need it etc, but I don't know where to begin.

I really just need to muck in and sort out a bunch of domestic stuff, which would cheer me up a lot. Also, I need to get compulsive about exercise again. Does it make sense to mourn your mother by working at being (even less) like her?

notasheep, I think I let my parents down a lot, largely by moving away, not being anything like them, and stuff like that, that I don't really regret. I think mom was happy I was with DH.

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chenin · 24/02/2006 16:56

I lost my Mum and Dad within 2 weeks of each other about a year ago. It certainly brought me to a crossroads in my life - everything is very different. One good thing to come out of it was that I have lost over 2.5 stone in weight - you certainly re-evaluate yourself in more ways than one when you have no living parents and to lose them almost both together is almost life-changing.

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 24/02/2006 19:32

I can imagine that losing both is life-changing. Losing one certainly has been, but no doubt less so.

It does feel like I am finally totally in charge of my life, which is a funny feeling, as I've done what I wanted for years and years. Haven't had any money from my folks since I was 21 or so. Haven't lived with them since I was 18.

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chenin · 24/02/2006 20:55

Yes NQC you are right - I feel totally in charge of my life - for the first time in my life - and its a very strange feeling indeed. I never relied on my parents and they never provided as such, so being without them now means I am in charge!

lulabelle · 27/02/2006 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 27/02/2006 14:48

Being on the other side of it, lulabelle, I can see that DH wants to help me deal with my grief. But there's not really anything he can do, I think.

Thankfully, he's good at just letting things sort themselves out, and my family is far away and very annoying, so I'm around. If a little depressed.

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lizardqueen · 27/02/2006 14:49

I reckon my DH is dreading my mum dying because he thinks that he won't be able to cope with me in the aftermath

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 27/02/2006 14:55

Why is he particularly worried about that?

It's very hard to predict how you'll be with grief, anyway. I was always dreading my mom dying, as our relationship wasn't good. And she died suddenly, which was particularly bad. And then I couldn't reach DH for hours, which was very hard. (I ended up posting on here a lot, instead.)

But it's been a month or so now, and I am doing ok, given.

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