Living together - Judge Judy's trenchant advice

[Abitwobblynow]

I, ahem, 'acquired' a book from the Bronx public library, written by Judge Judy, who has been in the family court for 30 years. I am giving it to my teenage Ds and their dorms, in a READ THIS! before you fly off into the world!:

1. If you call this commitment, you should be committed.

2.It amazes me that people who turn faint at the thought of walking down the aisle think nothing of purchasing houses, boats, and cars with live-in lovers. When they try to get satisfaction, they learn just why it's easier to keep things legal. 3.don't kid yourself that is is a commitment until death - especially when it comes to money.

If a child of mine ever opened a bank account with Mr. Almost-Sort-of-Committed, I'd have her committed. Think how much easier it would be if we had laws for people living together. My laws would be:

1. No live-in arrangement shall exceed one year. If after one year there is no date for the wedding, the termporary partnership shall be disbanded.

2.Live-ins shall not purchase any of the following items jointly: house, car, boat, coffee machine, dog.

1. All expenses shall be divided equally, and a precise record kept.
2. The word commitment shall only be used in referring to the upcoming wedding.

When people are in love and have stars in their eyes, they don't want to deal with the messy business of contracts. What really gets messy though is when the relationship folds and one of the partners realises too late that she doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Its' the favourite refrain of gun-shy single people: 'A wedding certificate is just a piece of paper!' Does anyone really believe that? Come on! Don't tell me marriage is meaningless. You wouldn't be protesting so much if it were meaningless.

One of the perks of marriage, as opposed to 'just living together', is the divorce. When you are divorcing, there are courts to help you divide your property and settle disputes. There is no 'Court of People Just Living Together'. It's up to you to be smart. Plan. Keep things simple - not so romantic, but often practical. Walking away from a relationship is never easy. Walking away encumbered with debt, bills, leases, and obligations just prolongs the agony.

It's always about the money.

This is the one thing I have to admit my mother was right on (the foolishness of 'living together' as opposed to him putting his cock on the block).

If my daughter shacked up, I would not be pleased at all.

Simply because, although we are all hurting, bewildered, sad and devastated - he has to give me half. Of everything. For ever (thank you Karen Parlour). Heartbroken and struggling is just too fucking unfair.

Young girls reading: don't 'live together'!

This assumes a woman is inherently unable to forge her own way in life and will gain financial security only via a husband. Yes, if you plan to have children and become a SAH parent/would be resident parent then it makes sense to ensure you are both financially secure and marriage can take care of a lot of this. However, if the house is only in his name, how come? Surely this is not about living together, but moving into your partners existing home.

I have worked long and hard to give my DC a future. I have never relied on a man to 'take care of me'. I kept my job as a single parent to make sure we would be financially ok. At this stage in life, I would be happy for a future DP to share my home but no way would any man get his hands on half of my assets because I 'lurve' him.

I think that people (particularly women who intend to have children) should be careful about making financial commitments to/with others and should be prepared to support themselves if necessary. But not everyone wants to marry or even engage in a couple-relationship. And marriage is no protection against abuse.

I think some of this advice is a bit silly, for the reasons others have pointed out above.

Forgive me Judge Judy, because I do love you.

But I do think a lot of people would be well-advised to think a hell of a lot harder than they do before they buy houses, dogs, whatever together.

I agree with amber Tbh. Yes have your wits about you, yes consider what would happen if you split, but all that no living together more than a year and cock ob the block crap is sexist shite.

It's fine advice...

You're saying to anyone you move in with, you have to marry me after a year otherwise it's over. Good luck with that.

If he does marry me, and it fails, for whatever reason he has to give me half. Of everything. For ever. Yes, you're really selling this...

And as other poster said, why on earth would you assume he's going to earn more than you? Unless you're only looking for someone to support you now, as a SAHM, and forever afterwards.

DP and I have a joint mortgage. We don't own anything else (neither of us is is the slighest bit materialistic). All our spare money goes on holidays, meals out, hobbies etc. ie experiences, not possessions

I've never wanted to get married

I think that what we need to teach our daughters is more about how to spot the decent men, not that the relationship is not worth pursuing unless it's got a ring attached. I'll be looking at this with my girls once they are old enough

I'm sure it'll help them far more in navigating their way through relationships than pressurising them to marry at some expense in order to protect their assets.