In shock

[amIbored]

we have been going through a bad patch for 2 years, and we are now trying to sort out our marriage one last time. my other thread is Not sure what advice if you want more details.

anyway in our new spirit of open and honest and non judgemental, my DH of 10 years has now just told me that he contracted genital warts 15 years ago, had them treated, and hasn't had a break out since. HE HAS NEVER TOLD ME

He has also told me he was offered sex from a collegue (who I suspected fancied him based on her actions, body language and the way she spoke to him at a party) but he said no.

I've asked him out right to tell me if he has been unfaithful, but he says it was all talk.

I am furious that he's made me feel like a slapper for the last couple of years, he's bought me a big boquet of flowers yesterday and I think he's got a guilty conscience, but he's saying it's the first time in 10 years that he has felt comfortable enough to tell me. FFS I've borne his children but he couldn't tell me this !! He has also added another 10 conquests and has slept with around 30 women before me (which is fine no problem with the number, problem with the lie though)

Message withdrawn

He wasn't lying was he? he said he hadn't felt comfortable telling you before and now he wants to be honest and tell you everything.Thats positive isn't it? why does that make you a slapper?

can't find your other thread

last link was on 19 Feb at 2.17 - sorry don't know how to do a link

He sounds emotionaly switched off from you to be honest.My dh was the best man/husband i could of wished for but i felt there was something missing.He wasn't cruel or anything.I felt like no one would ever love me the way i want and that i was to demanding so i put up with it for 10 years for some reason.I just felt like something was missing.

It sounds to me like he loves you very much.I know he puts you down though.Has something happened in his past to make him feel so insecure.It sounds like he is unhappy with himself somehow.
You say he has said he loves you and doesn't want to split.Could you not urge that he goes to relate with you.There could be things that he may find out about himself which lead to the way he treats you.If he wants that to stop and is serious i think he needs some sort of therapy.You can sit with relate and tell him with them how he is making you feel and what a negitive effect it is having on your relationship

he hasn't had a lot of "stable" relationships, his nearest sibling is 10 years older, his dad left his mum for another woman when he was 6 months old, his mum was ill from he was 11 and died when he was 16. He lived alone from he was 17, and was in a 4 year abusive relationship from 21 which had ended when he met me, but she hung around for about 18 months generally being threatening and abusive.

he says he's realised and has absolute clarity that I am perfect for him, that he has the stability he's always wanted with me, and that he was projecting his past behaviour and negative relationships on me and expecting me to behave like that, but he realises now that I haven't and I don't - he says he is truly sorry and just wants to be really honest.

His sister says that I should put it all in the past as he has been totally honest and he didn't have to tell me.

I'm still thinking he's got a guilty conscience and is telling me in case he is going to get found out.

he hasn't had a lot of "stable" relationships, his nearest sibling is 10 years older, his dad left his mum for another woman when he was 6 months old, his mum was ill from he was 11 and died when he was 16. He lived alone from he was 17, and was in a 4 year abusive relationship from 21 which had ended when he met me, but she hung around for about 18 months generally being threatening and abusive.

he says he's realised and has absolute clarity that I am perfect for him, that he has the stability he's always wanted with me, and that he was projecting his past behaviour and negative relationships on me and expecting me to behave like that, but he realises now that I haven't and I don't - he says he is truly sorry and just wants to be really honest.

His sister says that I should put it all in the past as he has been totally honest and he didn't have to tell me.

I'm still thinking he's got a guilty conscience and is telling me in case he is going to get found out.

what do you think he is hiding amibored?

i think he's been flirting and gotten himself into a situation where sex has been in the offing and he might have said no. I don't know enough about genital warts to know if they can lay dormant for 15 years after one break out, or if he's found out that someone he has had an affair with has told him they now have them.

The information I've seen on the internet doesn't go into that much detail about them.

I've told him though that if he is telling the truth I am really upset with him because he might have had a breakout that looked different to the first one and he could have put me at risk. I can't change the past but I'd have liked to have had the choice to deal with it myself.

He also knows that I would end our marriage if he'd had an affair, so he will only lose out if he confesses now.

I've read your previous topic and it sounds to me as if your DP is now trying to make things right. You say that after your honest discussion he has been perfect towards you and has started to be honest with you about things, that has to be seen to be a good thing.

I realize that things haven't been right in the past and I would make no excuce for that, but tbh it sounds to me as if your DP is now the one who is making the effort to make things right again. He has admitted that he's not been a nice person to live with, he's told you about things in his past, and about advances that have happened recently, and from what you've said it sounds as if he is really making the effort to put right where he has gone wrong. If that is not enough for you and you don't love him any more, then you need to tell him that and leave. If you don't love him but are just waiting for him to screw up again to give you the excuce to tell him it's over, then you want to leave but don't want to be responsible for your relationship breaking down imo. That's not fair on him, if he's making the effort now, he's doing so because he thinks that by putting right where he's gone wrong in the past, he's doing all he can to make youre relationship work out again, if that's not what you want, then you should just be honest with him and tell him that you don't love him any more, that things in the past have contributed to that, but that even if he does a 360 degree turn, that won't change your feelings. It takes two to make a relationship work, and if your heart isn't in it, even with the best will in the world and all the effort from him, your relationship will never work. It's not only him who should be expected to be honest.

Thanks WB1974 you are right, and I have told him, we have said we will both be honest, so he knows I am still not 100% and that I don't trust he won't go back to the way he was. However I have told him i want it to work, which I do, and for the first time in two years my stomach turned at the thought of losing him, two weeks ago I didn't feel like that.

I've told him that I am hoping i can fall back in love with him, I've also told him everything I've put on these threads, including the way I feel about him having put me at risk.

I'm hoping that it will just take time, but we have talked and if time doesn't heal and i still feel that I don't want to be here he has told me that he would rather not be with me if I don't want to be with him no matter how he feels about me.

Anyone had any experience of falling back in love.

It is possible amibored.
As i said i have had problems with dh. He had an affair last year.Before it happened he was a miserable bastard most of the time and never made an effort.I guess if i am honest i was plodding along and blaming myself for wanting more than he could give me.When he had the affair i woke up and thought this is the last bloody straw and it gave me the chance to end my realationship with him.
We ended up going to relate anyway because I wanted to know what went wrong.Here i was giving him all the affection and sex and so wanting him to be into me, How could he want someone else when he couldn't love me.
To cut a long story short he dicovered alot about himself and he is a different man with all the good bits that i fell in love with a more qualities.We are together again and it has now been 5 months since we have moved back in together and he is wonderful.Being found out and being thrown out of our home and me confessing that i was releived our maraige was over shocked him.
He is really into me and i am slowly trying to get over the affair and anger i feel.He is the husband i had always wanted.He enjoys just being with me.I am falling in love with him again very slowly.I will never feel head over heals again but am pretty close. He knows to that i will never put up with him ever doing it again but most of all I never want the husband I had for the 10 years or I will end it.He dosen't want to be that man again either.

Still can't see what the warts have got to do with anything though unless i missed something.That was before he was with you and you were not at risk.He had them treated.Please tell me your worry

sorry rambled abit

thanks overdraft, he has said that he doesn't want to be the man he has been again, and I am hoping that with time we will be o.k.

I'm worried becasue i don't know an awful lot about it, I know that they can reoccur and he's buried his head in the sand and i suspect that he might have had breakouts and fobbed me off, basically i don't want a STD and if I had known I'd have been vigilant with him and made sure if I was suspicious of any marks/spots etc then he wouldn't have got near me - i feel as if he has robbed me of being able to make a decison about my own sexual health. The fact he had them, and was treated is fine, it's that he didn't tell me so I couldn't manage the risk.

I can't change this so I'm not going to worry about it, I've explained to him how I feel about it, and hopefully I'm o.k. - going to do a bit more research i think and see if there is a blood test or something, from what I've read you can have it without displaying any symptoms.

right I had a genital wart on my cervix about 20 years ago now.It was picked up at a smear test along with pre cancer cells. The wart was removed and that was that.Had lazer treatment for cancer.My xbh had had lots of partners before me and must have got it from him.Now i have never contracted any since they have not come back.Your dh being a bloke didn't think this was a problem as i don't either.Maybe just wanted you to know things about his past that he hasn't told you before.I don't think I have told my dh about that either, didn't think it was important but I have nothing to hide either.I am gonna ask him tonight see if i did.
I know dh hasn't got any s.t.d because after his affair and unprotected sex I made him go and have a full check.I was bloody annoyed about that I can tell you that he had risked us catching at worst H.I.V.
Honest he probably didn't think it was important.It clearly is for you so peolpe have different veiws on things.An s.t.d is not something to be proud of and is there ever a right time to tell your new partner about them (unless you still have them of course).Men as well are very good at shoving things they want to deal with at the back of their minds and it is not their intention to hurt anyone.
Did that all make sense

Hi Overdraft, all made perfect sense, thank you, and thanks to the others who made comments, you've helped me come to terms with this and I've decided it's not going to be an issue for us, I can't change what's happened so I'm not going to waste any more time worrying about it. I have a husband who tells me he has had a life changing experience in the last couple of weeks and it totally and unconditionally in love with me. Went out last night with friends, 2 men and 1 woman and came home and freely spoke about it and he didn't react in any way like he has over the last couple of years.

We've agreed to carry on being honest, we both want to be here, and we both want to be happy, and we have agreed that if we find we're not happy and it's because we're together then we will split if that ever happens before we hate each other, and we will put our children first.

i really feel like I've just got married again, I have that hope that I thought I had lost. I actually like him again, he knows I need to fall in love with him again, and he is doing everything in his power to help me.

thanks again to you all, you really helped me get my head round this.

hi amibored, Glad things are going well for you i am really pleased.You are so lucky to have each other.Good luck from now on and i hope you have a wonderful,loving and honest future together XXXXXX