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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

other man

41 replies

mamaitaly · 14/06/2012 21:23

So. Here goes. I have a lovely family and husband. There is another man. But we have never done anything except have an amazing connection. He talks and thinks about me as much as I do about him, I know that. However nothing will happen as he has a family and so do I . I feel so bloody sad about it though. want to stop feeling sad. Any wise words please.

OP posts:

stargazy · 15/06/2012 09:42

Well done for posting and recognising this is a stupid thing.We all have crushes and little fantasies - it's how we act on then that counts.Don't feed it by spending any more time with this guy than you a silently must and resist going down the texting /just friends/ bit of fun and joky banter route.It is a slippery slope that in several months time if your DH and his DW find out won't make that 'connection' seem amazing at all.

stargazy · 15/06/2012 09:47

Oops don't know how silently got in there ,meant absolutely must.Perhaps was thinking of the secrecy.That's what really does the damage.Take it from me.DH had secret friend who had developed huge crush and he fed it by responding and keeeping it from me.We are still together but been very hard to forgive and forget.OW is not with her DH ( he found the texts) Do you want that scenario for your DH and lovely family.

MicroMacro · 15/06/2012 09:53

It always starts with the small things, saying your hair looks nice, wow u really suit those trousers etc. Its the ground work for moving on to the next stage, where you unload emotionally on to them and soon THEY will be unloading themselves on to you.

Its hard to explain to someone how much they can get into your head and mess your life around, unless you have been there yourself.

But please take heed of other peoples advise, they mean well.

People at work are good at sniffing out "close relationships" and it could damage your career and you as a person in a massive way.

MicroMacro · 15/06/2012 09:57

And the grass is never greener.

Say you divorce your husband and move in with him.

Soon you willl be comparing little things like how ex husband made me a cup of tea and new man doesnt. small niggly things will manifest. You will spend a lot of time comparing the two.

Some men just want a friendly relationship. I have yet to come across one that just wants that. When the cards fall down, they are no where to be seen

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 15/06/2012 10:20

a few months ago i had a 'friendship' with a man who was not my husband. we never met up (had previously met at a party but nothing happened until a few weeks later via facebook then texts) but the texts got quite intimate, he fed my need for compliments that my husband was too busy to give (working to provide for my/his family) and i lapped it up.

my husband found the texts, i can honestly tell you that that was almost the single most terrifying moment of my life, i have no idea how he forgave me, butthankfully it was just words, horrible hurtful words but just words. I can't begin to imagine where i would be now if he had left.

my advice is stop this NOW you know it's silly and not worth it. Cut all contact and move on with life with your amazing family, you can't begin to understand how scary it is to come so close to losing it!

AgathaFusty · 15/06/2012 10:26

All the time in your mind that you are spending on this man - use it instead to plan some good stuff with your husband. Try to put the buzz you are feeling over this other man, into your marriage and husband.

HipHopOpotomus · 15/06/2012 10:31

The thing that really attracted me was that I thought he was/is such a nice bloke, good heart etc always gets me.

Yes he is attempting to engage your heart while you are both in committed relationships with families. Sorry - that does not equal nice bloke/good heart!! In what way is he being nice bloke/good heart with his wife? children? you?

Perhaps he is meeting a need in you that your partner currently isn't. I'd suggest your time would be better spent figuring how to get these needs met within your relationship with P & save so many people, including yourself, a lot of heartache.

Anniegetyourgun · 15/06/2012 10:40

It is so easy to fake strike up an "amazing connection" with someone you don't see very often. All you have to do is ask a few probing questions, listen to the answers and go with the flow. Their imagination will fill in the gaps. Fooled that way myself? Me, Ms Cynic? As if

KirstyWirsty · 15/06/2012 10:52

I'm glad you've spotted that it is an issue and you are putting the brakes on

He isn't that nice if he's planning on cheating on his DW and happy for you to cheat on your DH

It's all about boundaries .. sometimes I am too friendly to people I meet and then they overstep the boundary and I have to reel it back in a bit .. you have to put up some boundaries between you and your friend to protect your marriage

becket · 15/06/2012 11:01

Do you know his wife? I bet if you met her or his kids if he has any you'd see things differently. Imagine if it was your husband saying this about someone he'd found an amazing 'connection' with. How would you feel?

becket · 15/06/2012 11:02

by the way if he is giving you signals he's interested, a) he is not a lovely man and b) i bet you aren't the first or the last!

Original poster

mamaitaly · 15/06/2012 17:03

so many replies, full of so much sense. My husband is a good kind man who works hard for all of us. I know he would never claim to have a connection with another woman-he has too much integrity. I'm not daft enough to think he's never been attracted to anyone but he wouldn't act upon it. It's worrying though how easily I fell though. I like to think of myself as a decent sort, not the type to lust after another woman's bloke. But I have. I don't think it says anything about my marriage but i think it says lots about me. Self esteem etc etc. Anyway just want to say thank you to all of you. Its much appreciated

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/06/2012 17:09

OP, I am really glad you have put the brakes on and are thinking quite rationally about what has prompted this silliness

we've all been there, it's how you respond that is crucial as to whether you blow your life to smithereens or take it as a little warning

donotsquandertime · 15/06/2012 17:39

As someone who didn't walk away when they should have, my advice is run, i always thought these stupid women who have affairs were easy with no morals and selfish for putting their own needs before their family. Then i became was of these stupid women, I know how easy it is to become attracted to someone, mine was at work as so many are, with the common bond of your job and seeing someone every day, I never gave this guy a second glance at first it can happen very slowly and before you know it you have deep feelings for someone and it's hard to walk away. 5 years on I wish someone had shook me hard and said don't do it. x good luck

Nanananah · 15/06/2012 20:41

Glad you saw sense OP.

Its so easy to be led. But so hard to unwrangle urself from the carnage that comes once the first move is made.

goodlucck

Jac1978 · 16/06/2012 06:02

Don't be too hard on yourself we all have crushes and fantasies and it's hard not to enjoy attention and validation when your confidence is low and it's so much sexier coming from someone who is forbidden. By all means enjoy the flattery and have your fantasies now and then and eventually this man will do or say something that will disappoint or annoy you and make you glad you didn't take things further. Be thankful you have a wonderful husband and if you find it hard sometimes to feel passionate about him just imagine that another woman is after him and it will remind you of what you have and how you don't want to lose it.

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