DP wants a second child but I don't

[MissMitten]

I'm so worried that this is going to cause problems in our relationship. I'm currently on maternity leave with 6 month old DS1. While I love the little one dearly, I am bored and tired and am looking forward to going back to work at the end of the summer. The experience has made me pretty sure that I don't want a second child as I reckon I can just about cope with one. I feel like I've done all the night feeds, nappy changes and baby entertaining that I will ever need to. Also, I am not great at cooking, cleaning, etc, and struggle a bit with just the one baby. And I miss my freedom and the time to just sit and think. BUT DP has started saying that he misses having a newborn around and that two children feels like the right number to him. He comes from a large and very happy family and loves kids so I can understand why he wants more than one. He's a lovely and supportive partner, but I can't help worrying that my antipathy to the idea of having another baby is going to make him very sad and disappointed. I know I really need to talk to him about this, but was wondering whether others have been in the same position?

At 6 months, I'd think it's a bit too soon for most. I did know 2 people in my ante-natal group that were pregnant before 3 months, but one of them went on to have twins. They were the exception, though.

Before you had your ds, how many did you think you'd want to have?

I must admit, no, I'm not in the same position, as I have three DCs. But, don't rule it out just yet - you are still recovering from the first pregnancy, and there's no rush to have another child. You may feel differently when your (admittedly boring) little baby becomes more independent of you and crawls, or walks. You might feel completely different in a couple of months trust me!

I also must add that giving your child a sibling is the greatest gift you will ever give them, for the rest of their lives, you may not agree while your child is little but think of them when they are all grown up and you and DH are long gone. Thats just my personal opnion of course.

holy is right - it's way too early in the game to make any definite decisions.

See how you feel in 6 months time - still just as overwhelmed?

Thanks all. It's nice to know that others have had the same reservations at this point. I know it seems a bit early to think about it, but I am 38 and we almost had to seek fertility treatment when trying for DS, as DP's sperm didn't look too good (clinically speaking, I mean).

tb: To be honest, I wasn't sure that I wanted kids at all until I met DP and I knew I wanted to have one with him, but I didn't think beyond one.

barley sugar: point taken about siblings, although I know perfectly happy only children, as well as several friends who don't talk to one or more of their siblings. Lots of siblings worked well for DP though!

Oh yes I totally agree about happy only children. I know of several near to me. It was a close friend of mine who age 49 is having to care for her elderly mother, and she was in tears because it felt such a burden a she was the only one, and she had no -one to share her feelings with. Yes having friends helps but its not the same as someone you grew up with. She said she felt increasingly lonely the older she became. Which is why she had three children herself!

My son was well over a year old before I could even think about having another child, despite the fact that we'd always said we'd have 2 children (both of us have 1 sibling). So I think 6 months is too early to be thinking about it, maybe say to your partner you don't want to discuss it at the moment but will think about it in 6/12/18 months.

That's not to say you will change your mind & there's absolutely no reason you should have a baby if you really feel like you don't want one.

your husband is already thinking about another baby?

But you're the one who has to do the full time care?

I think I'd be saying to him that if he wants another baby, then he can be the one to be a sahp in the early days, do all the stuff you've done this time round.

See what he says to that!

See, it's easy for him to say oh, I want more kids. But he's not the one who is cooking, cleaning, watching, feeding...

So maybe say that if you consider it, it will be on the condition that you go out to work and he stays home for a few months.

Now it may be that that's not actually financially possible, but it's really more about getting him to think and see that having a baby is much more than coming home from work and having a cuddle with a clean, fed, happy baby.

Would taking a shorter period of maternity leave with your remaining entitlement being transferred to your DH not be an option next time if it is primarily the boredom of being a SAHM to a very young child which is your main reservation?

We were just about to start fertility treatment when I became pg with DS 1 but DS 2 was conceived on the first attempt and I am a similar age to you so don't let your age/previous issues make you feel too pressured (or anything else for that matter).

hear hear! to you HecateTrivia! brilliant plan (:

Watching with great interest DD is almost 3 now, and DP is very keen on a second, while I would love to give her a sibling, I struggle to cope with DD on my own (and she is a lovely easy child by comparison to so many other children we know) but I just feel like a useless parent.

DP is the SAHP and he is great at it, but a few weeks ago when he was pushing the issue, I said to him I would consider it if he promised he'd never go away with the boys for more than a few hours and leave me looking after both as I knew I couldn't cope with 2. The scary thing is he didn't shoot the idea down, and now I'm left wonderign that if I don't give DD a sibling and soon, I'm going to make DP resent me. :(

Very sure I did not want another child I went on the mini-pill when DS1 was a year old.
The pill did not suit me, when I wasn't bleeding I had the trotts and went to see the GP, who surprisingly confirmed I was pregnant. I was depressed throughout the pregnancy and a little indifferent to DS2 although I cared well for him.
He is now nearly 29 and out of my four sons he is the one I have the closest relationship with, in fact I cant imagine how Ds1 would have turned out if he had been an only child.

Each pregnancy and child is different, is your DH a committed father, with two children he will have to be more involved, than he is with just one. Is he prepared for this?.

You are likely to feel differently about it all once your LO is a toddler. Don't dismiss having a second child because of your current feelings , its early days, give it a wee bit of time, and see how you feel.

I agree to wait and see how you feel. But I would be very careful about having a second if you feel ambivalent, or because you feel you ought for you DH and DS. Second children can often be more laid back than firsts, but it isn't a guarantee, and even if they are, juggling the needs of a baby and a toddler is not easy. I found it more than twice the work, and I had a difficult first baby! It's very messy trying to look after two children; I found myself running from one to the other, feeling that I wasn't really doing right by either. There is no break, because even if the first is still napping in the day (mine wasn't), they are very unlikely to co-ordinate sleeps. And there is the relationship between them to negotiate too - sibling rivalry can be very intense.

I was extremely broody for my second, I love her to bits, and now that they are both out of the toddler stage they play together and have a relationship which is lovely. I feel very lucky that we have our two children and would do it all over again. But the first two years will likely be extremely hard.

Your DH isn't wrong to want another; he can't help his feelings. But as you will be the one to deal with the pregnancy, possible breastfeeding and the vast bulk of the childcare/cooking/cleaning/laundry etc., you have every right to carry the casting vote, in my opinion.

Thanks all for really useful and thoughtful comments and suggestions! Am feeling a bit more relaxed about this now.

Just back from staying with DP's brother and his family - they have three small children who get along wonderfully and definitely make the case for siblings.

I will indeed wait and see how I feel - will tell DP for now that it's too soon to decide.

I like the idea of at least suggesting to DP that if we have another he should take more leave. It is tricky financially, however, and also because his line of work (finance) doesn't seem to be family friendly. Perhaps he should be a pioneer though!

I do think that if your dp is the driving force behind another baby and you prefer working to sahing then suggest to him that if amd when you have another you take the time needed to recover phusically from birth and he takes the rest of the leave. Dont fret about his work, there are laws in place to support this.