How do I tell DP I am not interested in sex without causing an issue?

[katykuns]

I have recently given birth to my DD2, she is a month old now. Initially after the birth I would have been interested in sex (god knows why), but my body wasn't ready. I didn't have stitches, but had a very small tear, and I am still a little sore.

My partner will be a SAHD, he is very good around the house and with DD1 and 2... I am luckier than some in this respect, as I am less tired and have to do less around the house etc
However, my DP is one of those men that isn't really good at showing his love and affection throughout non-sexual means. He is a bit clueless, and thinks pinching my bum and grabbing my boobs will make me feel sexy. It did kinda before, but now I feel like everything he does is basically screaming 'please have sex with me!'. I have been quite cold with him, because I feel like he is demanding of me and that distance will give him the message that I really don't want sex. This has rather backfired on me, as now when he shows affection and I 'let him', he now thinks I am interested in sex!

Is there a way to confront this issue and send him the message without trampling on his feelings? I feel like I am monumentally crap at communicating it to him verbally. When I feel like he is demanding of me, I just want to get away and I show I am uncomfortable with it, but for someone who appeared to be very good at picking up on my signals, he has become pretty shitty a bit rubbish at reading me and will just persist.
I know that when I am ready I will be ready, our relationship is good in every other way to this! I feel the more he pushes, the less interested I am.

Anyone got any advice or tips to conquer this? I don't want our relationship to suffer because of it...

Are you sure your h wasn't posting about this yesterday ?
"back in the sack" thread?

Why don't you just say "I don't want sex. When I do I'll let you know. In the meantime presume I don't "

You have to talk to him. Your relationship will suffer more by not than it ever could by sitting down with him and explaining how you feel. You may think that you are protecting him from trampled feelings by not telling him how you feel but I promise you that you are not.

Is there any way you could sit down, tell him that you love him very much, but that groping you doesn't make you feel aroused. Tell him what you want/need.

Having been on the other side of this, the more you feel rejected, the worse you feel about yourself and the more desperate you become to have sex with them as proof that they still love you and so when they do give you a cuddle, you leap on it in a way that if you didn't feel rejected you probably wouldn't.

You need non sexual intimacy but you need communication. Backing away, being cold, pushing him away - may make him stay away, but it will make him feel anxious, rejected and fearful that you no longer love him. Whereas if you communicate your feelings and tell him what you need from him, he isn't going to feel that way, he will know what is the matter and (hopefully) will change and stop grabbing at you.

Explain to him, as you have sort of here, that your body is recovering. Your hormones will kick in when it is restored. That hasn't happened just yet, and you feel prickly at being "pawed" at, regardless of how well gestured it was meant. Tell him, you feel affectionate towards him, you want kisses and cuddles. You are just not ready to be groped at or seduced. Nor do you want to reject him. You're just not ready to accept him sexually yet. But you will let him know when you are.

Haha Rabid, I have been reading that thread and really connecting with the advice of the posters! I feel a lot of similarities.
But no, that's not my DP...

Thanks Hecate, I suppose I do feel like I am trying to protect him... and in fact doing the opposite. I hate the idea that he thinks I find him unattractive or rejected.
And Rabid, I wish I could just say it like that... I suppose I am a bit frightened that I will upset him... especially when I think he's cluelessly thinking he is making me feel sexy by doing the things he is doing...
He said the other day that he feels like he is damned if does and damned if he doesn't with regards to showing his affection or not. I think he needs a lesson in how to show his affection though lol :/

It is rather a sore subject for me, as DD1's birth was more traumatic, and her Dad, my ExH was a complete arsehole. He worked away at my confidence and hounded me for sex... and eventually got what he wanted through basically forcing me... and even though my DP is nothing like him, I am terrified I will screw up this relationship...

It also doesn't help that my Mum, who I have a close relationship with, is VERY old fashioned and takes the approach of 'just give them what they want and then they will leave you alone'...

Oh but you would rather have sex against your will than say "oi, no !"

Well I have been saying no... just possibly not very efficiently through the medium of calm conversation.

I don't agree with what my Mum has said at all for the record either...

Does your D know about what your ex did? That is just terrible I am so sorry.

I think the best thing to do is be open about it. You only had a baby a month ago, it's not exactly unusual not to feel like having sex! If he is anyway decent he will understand. But it does need to be out in the open. You need to talk to him.

And find a confidante other than your mum!!!

Does your partner know, that was meant to say!

He does know.. although he possibly knows less about my feelings of insecurity etc this time round as he is the polar opposite to my ex...
I don't think he has made the connection that I could be finding all of this tougher due to my past experience.

I know that my feelings regarding this all is made worse not only by that, but also tiredness and hormones...
I shall talk to him tonight... anxious

I feel the same. DS is 9wo. I just don't feel like sex. I have 0 libido at all. DS is BF and we co-sleep - if I'm lucky he'll go in the Moses basket for 5 minutes tops when I get ready for bed.

I made the 'mistake' of having sex with DH a few weeks ago - he seems to think that was the green light to resume a normal sexual relationship. It wasn't. I'm happy to cuddle, but that's all I feel like doing. I don't even really want to kiss. It all just feels like too many demands on me - DS takes pretty much everything. DD gets what little of me is left. There's sod all for me, so there's certainly sod all for DH - I'm barely getting time to wash without DS needing to eat, never mind a shower with a leg shave, hair dry and to spend long enough not attached to anyone to want sex. On top of that DH seems to have stopped doing anything round the house so I feel like Chief Cook, Cleaner and Pants-washer.

Sigh.

I'm going to bring this up with DH tonight. Again. I've tried explaining its partly hormonal (which I think it is) but not that it's just Too Much Physical Contact and it doesn't help that he appears to have become domestically challenged. Until my needs stop being at the bottom of the fucking pile, then I don't see how I'm going to feel even remotely interested.

Sigh again.

Sorry OP, thread hijack.

You need to spell it out to your DP. I am going to have to sit down with mine tonight. It doesn't matter if he gets hurt feelings. It will return to normal, eventually. But in the meantime, their bollocks won't fall off through waiting.

No worries about hijacking, yet again I am kinda relieved that someone else feels similarly... even if its incredibly crap we have ended up in this situation!

How badly I identified with the It all just feels like too many demands on me - DS takes pretty much everything. I feel exactly the same. I keep feeling shocked that he would even feel like sex, because there feels like there is no time to do it!
I don't co-sleep and she does actually spend some time not demanding off me, but my brain just can't snap into sex mode when she is asleep. I am constantly on guard for if she wakes up.
I also feel trapped a bit, as in the early time where I was a bit more interested, I feel like I have encouraged him on. It makes me feel like he has got halfway and its only a matter of time till the big act happens, and that he should keep checking to see when I am going to say yes. Only checking involves what I feel is 'perving' over me.

Good luck with your attempt to get him to understand. Fingers crossed for both of us :S

You are not alone, but please do as Hecate says and talk and talk about this. Don't expect him to pick up on no-verbals, don't do anything you dan't want to do, don't let resentment fester. Be kind to each other.

non-verbals

BTW you past experience sounds horrible, and I'm sure you got the message that it is not possible to say clearly what you want, from your mother. I think many of us are basically given that message.

Talking about this difficult stuff NOW is really really important Good luckx

Thank you Jamie x

I have spoken to him, and apart from it being a bit awkward at the beginning (partly because of me struggling to really explain things) it went really well. He apologised for making me feel uncomfortable.. I asked him could we stick to kisses and hugs and when I feel a little bit more ready for anything more I will let him know and he appeared to be fine about it - and he agreed. I think he honestly was completely clueless at how uncomfortable it made me, and that he was just showing his interest.

We have had a nice evening after, where we chatted while I cooked and he looked after DD2.. and then got her settled down a bit and we had a cuddle on the sofa.

Feeling quite relieved, so thank you for all of your advice, even if some of it deep down I knew I should have done, you gave me the motivation to actually do it and not just stew in my feelings!

Oh how lovely. So glad it went well.

There we go. Well done. I bet he was as tied up as you before your chat.

Nice to read a happy ending.

katykuns how lovely.