Any tips for talking to exP about financial stuff?

[BornToFolk]

ExP is coming round tonight to talk about financial arrangements. He moved out about 1 month ago after I discovered him having an affair (literally...).

I was feeling OK about it but am now starting to get slightly worried. The last two times he's been round "to talk" since moving out he told me a) we definitely had no future together then b) he was still seeing OW. Naturally I was devastated each time.

I've emailed him a list of things we need to talk about (arrangements for the house, paying maintenance, splitting savings etc) which he's agreed to. I plan to follow up our conversation with an email outlining what we discussed (I know it'll have no legal weight but would help us both remember what was said). I've also told him that we are not going to discuss contact with DS at this point. We have a loose arrangement that's working quite well at the moment and I've said we'll meet next week to talk about formalising contact arrangements. I just want to keep discussions about finances and DS quite separate as I don't think that one should influence the other.

He's said all along that he'll sign over the house to me (we own it jointly) as well as all the contents. In his words "I did this, I don't want anything". He also said he'd continue paying into the joint account at the same level as he has always done. However, now that I know he's still with the OW, I'm nervous he might change his mind and want to shack up with her and so need more money...

So far he's not touched joint account or savings. I've used the joint account as usual for food shopping and also bought DS some school uniform. So I'm hoping he's going to stick to his promise and be reasonable.

Any tips? Not only for what needs to be talked about but also on how to be with him. It's very weird to be scripting a conversation with someone you believed to be your best friend for 12 years.

My mum's standing by with a bottle of wine and will come round as soon as he's gone!

Make sure all agreements are in writing and signed by both of you, and that you have copies. It's not unusual for men who say they want to keep everything amicable and not involve lawyers to mean 'I intend to get everything I want in the settlements and give you as little as possible, regardless of fairness'.
It's a good idea to consult a lawyer anyway to get some idea of what your legal position is, so you can spot any bullshit your XP tries.

In my case, my DP left and I kept the house - but I took over the mortgage payments and he didn,t get any of the proceeds when I sold - I bought a smaller house for me and DS. We then divorced - he too felt "bad" and has never asked for anything - though I have been told there is a form that we should have both signed cos he could ask for the proceeds even now - 10 years on! Not sure how true that is. A friend in a similar situation - her partner handed over the house, continues to pay half the mortgage - but doesn't have to give maintenance as well!.... I would suggest that you find out what his legal obligations are - any goodwill from feeling guilty could fade at any point. On another note - I kept access discussions and financial very separate. x good luck

Sorry, should have said, I have spoken to a solicitor. Basically, he has to give 15% of his salary minimum as maintenance to DS. I get nowt as we weren't married. He doesn't have to sign the house over to me but I can take him to court under the Children's Act if he doesn't...I think. Might Google that and check I've got that right.

He's basically offering way more than he needs to, legally and yes, I am most worried that he'll change his mind when the guilt wears off which is why I want this sorted as soon as possible.

You'll need to separate the joint account somehow and take any payments out of your own account. Ditto savings will need to be split fairly and the account closed.

I wrote to my bank and they sent H a form to sign to get him off the joint account.

We are going to go to mediation to discuss finances as I can't talk to him at all now, so it's the only way we will be able to sort it out.

Be prepared for your XP to change his mind. If he gets legal advice they will tell him what he is entitled to. My H said he would carry on paying what he always had and that he would do everything he could to make sure me and daughter stayed in the house. That soon changed when he realised that he couldn't afford to fund two houses.

Good luck though! If you don't sort stuff then try mediation.

Signing the mortgage over isnt the same as signing the deeds, as BIL found to his cost when his partner upped sticks. 10 years later she came back, demanded the house be sold and have half the equity. Legally she was entitled to it, even though she had never contributed a penny. (no children involved). She got it as well.