Possible affair - no concrete proof - this is a crazy idea -right?

[dosomethingordonothing]

Wonder whether H is having an affair - no concrete reason just having (and have had for last couple of years) a tough time of communicating and various stress factors (money worries (we both work full time), work, two tiny children - nothing out of the ordinary)
He has two phones and I know the pin for both - he knows I know the pin and I guess he kind of set it up that way. He is meticulous so even if I did check and found nothing (I have occasionally) I suspect that would not mean anything. He gets home from work at the same time roughly each day and although communication between us is bad and time alone together pretty much non existent and sex life alive but patchy - there is no one thing i can point to to hang any suspicions on. His bank statements indicate one large unexplained cash withdrawal in the last few months but there is a plausible explanation for this.

Anyway - here is my crazy idea - I know it won't work so I need this conclusion re-inforced please! Once you confirm my idea is mad I will just bury my head in the sand again!

I suspect if he is involved with anyone else it is someone at work. He works in a small team and I know the names and could work out the contact details of at least some. Some of his team split off to work in a subteam at another site 1 and the rest work for him at site 2. I attended some external training with my own work in Sept last year and by chance sat next to one of his colleagues (one who now works at site 1 away from him). He has bad mouthed her a bit in the past - not massively but he probably does not respect her much and she does not like him much. When I got home from the training he was very anxious to know whether she had said anything to me about him.

Aside from this I dont have any contact with his colleagues

Tell me about the madness of contacting the girl I sat next to at the training either (i) by anonymous letter asking her to disclose names of people she knows have had an affair by way of letter or listing their names briefly on a public medium (facebook), or (ii) going to see her - and offer money if necessary
God when i type it it sounds crrazy but i guess i am

Obviously the two main risks are (i) her tipping off my husband and (ii) her word being unreliable

Yes i know you are just going to say "talk to your husband". Believe me i have tried. Last night was a case in point. The checking his phone thing also leaves me feeling like i am never going to find anything even if i try. Maybe that is because he is not doing anything anyway. But I think if he was he would cover it up obsessively and brilliantly. I don't need to know about my lack of trust of him - I can see it is self evident

Anyway any thoughts on this looney idea much appreciated

yes natasha - i can totally see my idea is unbalanced
That is why i need reasons not to do it. I am pretty sure i wont do it anyway. It is just the powerlessness of it

I think you know it's crazy. Don't do it.

If I got an anonymous letter asking me for workplace gossip I would be disturbed and throw it away. She'd have to be mad to reply. If the wife of a colleague got in touch and tried to offer me MONEY for info on her husband, I would think she needed medical help quite honestly.

Are there any reasons for your suspicions? Has his behaviour changed towards you?

Elephants you are right
I am stuffed
I will go back to keeping on keeping on and not think about it

If you genuinely think he could be having an affair at work, and you think a) it's not with her and b) she might be straight with you, I would get in touch and ask her for a coffee and bring it up with her in person. Not in a staring crazylady way but bring the conversation round to the fact that things are difficult at home and ask her (confidentially) whether she has any thoughts as to whether he could be seeing someone at work.

That could work. The worst that can happen is that she tells him, but if they're not friends and you ask her not to, I don't know why she would.

Like the others have said, I would thing you were unhinged if you sent me a letter or offered me money like this! You really mustn't do it!

I think you need medical help frankly. You have no reason to suspect an affair, yet you are trying to concoct elaborate schemes involving your husbands colleagues, on the basis you sat next to one of them during a training course a year ago? Are you nuts?

Speak to your GP. You sound massively insecure and obsessive.

~Thanks Elephants
Yes of course the way you suggest is the rational way to do it - but I have not spoken to her - I have just heard about her from my husband so initiating something "normal" like a coffee would also come across as a bit crazy - so i wont do it.

I think the answer is there is no way to know and that life goes such that if the affair happens at work and you cannot get proof on the phone/computer then there is free reign for it to carry on for years without the spouse knowing. I am just coming to accept that. In a way it helps to know that genuinely there is nothing i can do and me not taking any action at all and not trying to find out (trying to talk to him does not work) is an acceptable thing for me to do in the circumstances

Quint - thanks for your post - that helps

What opportunity does he have for this 'affair'? He seems to get home regular as clockwork. Do you or he spend time away from home at all for work or hobbies? Has he got form? Been unfaithful in the past. Bad communication between a husband and wife doesn't necessarily mean someone is screwing around.... by that logic, you're just as likely to be at it as he is. Could just mean that your relationship has run its course.

Here is why he asked you what that woman thinks of him - she may well be influential in the department, maybe he feels insecure about his job, as many people will.

If your relationship isn't good, focus on that - i think you have been reading too many threads on here tbh.

Cogito - thanks - i am going to focus on this part of your email "Bad communication between a husband and wife doesn't necessarily mean someone is screwing around"
No form by him so far as I am aware. I am not.

I will just not ask myself any questions about this again and work on the basis that nothing is happening and i am just insecure

Oh ok I assumed that you had chatted/made friends at the course.

Honestly, even then, getting in touch and asking her for coffee because you are genuinely worried that he is sleeping with someone at work - it is odd but she may well be sympathetic (at your desperation) and it is NOWHERE NEAR as odd as trying to bribe her. I don't know why trying to pay someone for this info would even cross your mind.

Part of me wants to agree with others and say that you might want to see your doctor about anxiety, even OCD-ish thoughts on this matter. BUT one of the valuable things I've learnt on MN is that "mental health ishoos" are often caused by living with a total wanker. If you're feeling awful because of your husband, you know you don't have to put up with it, right?

Why are you insecure though? Do not just let this go, it is still a problem - do his actions make you insecure or are you, like me, inherantly insecure - you need to work out why. If you feel communication is lacking between you - work on that.

Not going to do it.
Only came up with the idea because it struck me that I genuinely don't know whether there is a problem with our marriage outside me and my husband - and there might be people out there who do know.

Also because if I personally cannot solve things by trying to communicate with husband what other steps could i reasonably take to eliminate all other possibilities.
The answer is there are no other steps i can take. So i will leave it

If you're insecure it's because you're not connecting as a couple and you feel unloved. You do need to have 'a talk' but I would suggest that it's not about accusations of affairs but something much more positive and encouraging. Set some time aside together and reminisce about when you first met. Sometimes talking about what first attracted you to each other can spark a deeper discussion. I'd also recommend telling him what you appreciate & like about him... and getting him to reciprocate. When people are stressed and worried about the future, it's little things like courtesy and appreciation that tend to fall by the wayside.

OP he may or not be having an affair but I'd leave this woman right out of the equation. You do sound rather upsettingly desparate for answers but this is not the way to go.

Being in a relationship without communciation is incredibly lonely and the feelings of isolation accumulate.
This in itself can drive anyone half mad.
To add to all this you have 2 young DCs and a full time job which in itself is very stressful.

You don't explain why you think he is having an affair.
What would you do if he was?
Is there a part of you that is hoping for a legitimate way out?
If that sounds harsh, it isn't meant to, it sounds to me that your circumstances have you trapped in a thankless world.

It takes two to have an affair, wouldn't the 'other woman' be demanding more of his time even occasionally? Meaning he wouldn't be so punctual after work.
Having an affair brings chaos. Your lives are very busy, wouldn't he slip up in his clandestine behaviour sometimes?
I can't see anything you have said that makes me think he is.

The woman at his work who doesn't like him and vice versa.
This is just a red herring.
You know not to contact her, right?
Your thoughts about contacting her are a symptom of your desperate state.
I can't see how the outcome of any meeting with her could be positive for you.

I think this comes down to the communication (lack of) between you and your husband, you could try Relate which may help to get things out in the open in front of a neutral party.
Or you could write it down - what you think, how you feel, how the lack of communication makes you feel and what you would like to happen - and hand it to him.
Of course, this might not work but then you know and you can make an informed decision about what to do next based on the fact you have a DH who will not communicate with you.

Good luck.