Softly spoken horrible friends

[tulipsaremyfavourite]

I seem to be friends with a couple of women who I have thought were nice kind people just because they have soft voices and a gentle manner. But i have gradually realised that one of them is in fact a selfish inconsiderate person and the other is passive agressive. I really don't like either of them anymore and wonder why I totally focussed on their voices and general manner as opposed to really noticing their actual words and actions to tell me what sort of people they were.

Is it because of my childhood? I had a neglectful detached mother of whom I have no memories of hearing her warm comforting words or soft soothing voice as she was always cross and annoyed and irritated with me. Am I craving to hear someone who speakz softly and not harshly to me so much that i am drawn to people who sound kind and gentle and don't notice the content of what they say?

In brief, YES... that is one of the major reasons why you are drawn to them but, as you have the insight to recognise this, I have every confidence that you will begin to tune out the tone of voice, hear the words that are being spoken, and act accordingly.

Communication is made up of 55% body language, 38% tone of voice and 7% words. So it's not surprising that someone could hide a nasty nature when 93% of what they're expressing is pleasant :)

Wolves in sheeps clothing I call these people and there are a lot of them around.

Thankyou all. It's as if I was drawn to them not with my rational logical brain which would have told me early on that these people were not good friends to me. I think my emotional side kicked in instead and maybe subconsciously because of their soft voices i thought i had found a mother figure which i have lacked all my life.

Maybe so tulips but (as izzy says) you sound very clued up about what is happening, now you'll start developing your own strategies on how to deal with it. I had to do similar - and am getting more better at it :)

not much better at proofreading though!

I know several people like this, sadly in DH's family - first meeting them they appear so polite, well mannered and appear to be actively listening. Everyone is struck by how 'lovely' they are....but when you know them it's a different matter, they are completely selfish and highly ruthless. Most definitely a wolf in sheep's clothing.

I think that until you meet people like this (and I was in my 30's) it's reasonable to assume that people are what they appear to be, it's only when you have this experience that you learn to ignore the exterior and judge on a person's actions.

Thankyou again and yes yes yes! My MIL is a wolf in sheep's clothing. When i first met her she seemed so polite charming smiley. But she has turned out to be the biggest two faced nasty bitch i have ever had the misfortune to encounter. She is truly vile, but she speaks so 'nicely' that you only realise later what a bitch she has been. I am truly not equipped to deal with these people. I fall for the nice exterior every time and always fail to hear the actual words coming out of the mouth.

I agree that it's only once you meet people like this that you start to realise you can't always take people at face value. I was also in my 30's when i first realised this.

Scarily even DH was fooled by his own mother's 'charming' manner. He couldn't see what a prize bitch she was until i pointed it out to him.

After dealing with DH's family I became aware that my childhood, whilst not brilliant, was at least open & honest, if family members behaved badly it was in the open. Comments were direct and not snidey. DH's family would view themselves as terribly middle class and most certainly posh. Manners and outward behaviour is everything and they would never display anger (much too common!) so this leads to passive aggressive behaviour.

I'm not sure if I'm fortunate or unfortunate to have only met people like this later in life:) I feel very unfortunate that they are DH's family however.

Absolutely! My MIL - soft and gentle, and then you realise that she is cold selfish and cruel.

When I met her I should have run.

Similarly a riding instructor. Soft spoken, very controlling, down to putting the bridle on (how does she think we cope when she is not there?), quiet rage it you disagree. it's her way or the highway.

start you must be married to DH's brother and we must share a MIL. They are EXACTLY as you describe. I hate them. Have had nothing to do with them for 3 years. Bliss!