So angry with my MIL

[needsomeperspective]

My husband had a very abusive childhood. He and his older brother and sister were regularly beaten and verbally abused by their step father. They were told they were worthless and useless and would never amount to anything. They were forced to cook clean and punished brutally for any untidiness etc.

The stepfather moved the family around constantly to avoid social services and to stop any of them making any friends or getting close to anyone. My husband went to five different schools and left at 16 with no qualifications because he just gave up trying.

All the kids left home as soon as they turned 16 / 17 and the older 2 never came back again and my H didn't see them for 25 years.

My Hs mother was also abused physically and verbally and completely controlled by her husband. I understand this. But ever since having my own children I just cannot look at her without revulsion. HOW could any mother bring a stepfather into her kids lives and stay there while he beat them until they bled then beat then some more for "making a mess" with their own blood? How could you stay with someone who put a choke chain round your oldest sons neck and dragged him down the road? Or who threw your youngest son into a glass door for going to school without a uniform on a no uniform day?

Once you'd lost your 2 older children who disappeared (escaped) and never contacted you again how could you STILL stay there knowing your youngest might go too as soon as he could? How could you let anyone repeatedly indoctrinate your children into believing they were nothing and worthless?

I know that logically the woman was probably utterly terrified but now I have children I cannot ever ever imagine as a mother allowing my kids to be hurt and not trying everything in my power to protect them. Even if it meant livin on the streets or in a homeless shelter.

I find myself just not wanting her in my house or around our children.

The stepfather is very ill and infirm now and as his physical strength waned she lost a lot of weight started going out an has since left him for a series of other men. Each of whom is the only focus of her attention (she has no interest in her son or grandchildren).

My husband has been deeply scarred (physically as well as mentally) by this abuse even though he has worked hard to overcome it. Each time I see evidence of his lack of self esteem or falling back on default inappropriate coping mechanisms like losing his temper or lying to avoid "punishment" I hate her a little bit more for allowing this to have happened to him. I think for some reason I blame her even more than my Hs stepfather. She was his MOTHER and her duty was to protect him.

Am I being totally unreasonable in my feelings?

I'm sure there are women who have been in my MILs shoes on MN who can shed some light as to how difficult it is to break away from an abusive partner. And many who have managed to do so.

I've addressed here only my own emotions not my husbands feelings which we have discussed because I know he wouldn't choose to share on a forum.

How awful. I completely agree with you.

I sometimes think that some people think with another part of their anatomy and not their heads.

My grandmother was like this with my Dad. My poor Dad was only 5.

I think you can only rationalise it so far, before you have to accept that the mother has put herself before the children. So, she won't leave because she is scared, does not want to be poor/homeless/single/stigmatised/whatever and this is not outweighed for her by the fear and suffering of her children. And while I try to sympathise with that, because it is an awful place to be in, it makes me angry too.
No as angry as I am with the monstrous men who put women and children through this in the first place, but still.

It's understandable, but I think you are being unreasonable in blaming her more than the step-father. I think your reaction is perfectly normal though, and based in wanting to protect the people you love.

My father was very violent, and it has damaged me (and my siblings). However, I know that my mum wasn't able to leave. She didn't have the mental strength to leave because she'd been beaten and abused by my father to the point where she was broken - physically and mentally. Maybe it's easier for me to not hate her because she died when I was a teenager so I never had to deal with her as an adult or as a mother.

However, you don't have to be around her or let your children be around her if you don't want to. I haven't seen my father since I walked out when I was 19. I think that violence, and its effects, is a poison that drips down through the generations, and the only way to deal with it is to cut it out completely. So, if my mother had lived, and chosen to stay with my father then I would not have seen her once I had children. I can accept that she couldn't leave, but my first priority would be the safety and security of my children.

I think what makes me mad is that she actually talks about the awful things her husband used to do either in a poor me kind of a way r almost jokingly and always 100% blaming the stepfather for everything. When I hear her reminisce about being hit round the head with a brick an having to drive herself to hospital or the kids being made to sit on the sofa and hold hands and tell SS how "happy" they were because they'd been threatened to be beaten to within an inch of their lives if they didn't I just want to scream at her.

I do appreciate in those days in wasn't easy to get support. The 1980s was not the same as now. She had no money no qualifications and no family to go to. And she believed him hen he said he would kill her if she left him and that no one else would ever tolerate her etc.

But I still just hate the fact that she let my H be so damaged. And that anger just overwhelms any sympathy I have for her. And in some ways I feel bad for my lack of compassion. But on the other hand I have never left her alone with my children because to me she ha proven she is not capable of protecting or prioritizing the needs of her own kids lets alone her grandchildren. Luckily we live abroad so rarely have to see her. But soon she will want to visit again and bring the latest boyfriend and her judgement of people is so horrendous god knows what kind of person he might be. I know he is an alcoholic but not much else about him.

And I know I don't want her in my home with my babies an wouldn't trust her to look after them for an hour on her own.

Chrysanthemum5 - my husband says similar things to you about her strength. While he hates his SF he feels much more ambiguous about his mother. In some ways that makes me feel obliged to be angry at her for him! Because he has every right to be as angry at her as his SF.

I think you would be perfectly justified in asking her to visit WITHOUT the latest boyfriend in tow. Why on earth should you put up with the latest short-term partner, who may be a complete nightmare for all you know.

I think you have to forgive, but not forget. So, accept that she was scared, or damaged, or whatever was her reason for not protecting her children. Forgive her for what happened, because believe me the anger is a huge weight you and your DH carry and there is real strength and power in forgiveness.

But, don't forget what happened. Don't let her bring the latest boyfriend because she is unlikely to prioritise their safety and happiness over him. And, don't let her be on her own with the children. Looking after them is something she will need to prove she is capable of doing.

Your feelings of anger are entirely justified.

While the stepfather was the bully, she was his enabler: she stood by and watched her children be abused, and stayed, and did nothing.

The fact that she has gone from stepfather to a string of other men is telling: her priority is to have a man in her life (most likely in order to feel validated), and she places this above her children.

Her "poor me" attitude is her cover: if she was a victim, then she is safe from reproach. In her mind. Go ahead and hold her accountable for the way she let down the children she was responsible (she'll probably melt into "poor me" mode, but that's her issue, not yours).

Her attitude comes from a place of weakness, from a childhood that was probably just as shitty as your DH's. No doubt she is repeating a cycle of abuse, because that is what she knows, and she has not had the strength or insight to see it for what it is and break free from it. This in no way means that she gets to escape responsibility for her own actions.

I feel like this about my own mother :(