Pissingcontest-itis... Hate, hate, hate it

[iMoniker]

Married with three kids. DH and I both work full time. He works from home, I work out of the home.

We are both busy, ALL the time. We share the load but DH's contribution is often substandard e.g. he'll wash the dishes and stack the dishwasher but he won't clean out the sink-hole. Means I have to double back on him to ensure that it's clean. Another example is laundry - he'll happily put it on, but will often not sort it properly, or will tumble dry things which shouldn't go in the dryer.

This causes a lot of what I call pissingcontest-itis. We argue over who did the dishes on what day, who has emptied the bin the most... blah, blah, blah. Now as DH does help, he doesn't get my point and feels that I am a nag.

I adore DH and this is not a thread meant to bash him. Just checking to see if we are the exception or the norm and how other people manage it.

We are the same, 3 dc also - very busy. Dh doesn't do things the way I like (same about the dirty sink, my pet hate). I do all the laundry and he's supposed to be responsible for bins, compost and recycling.

I am trying to let things go more because I honestly have come to believe that there are more important things to stress about (or perhaps shouldn't stress at all!).

If I see the sink dirty I fox it or leave it. Or I mention to DH without seeking a fight. Trying very hard not to row over these things.

Right now the bin cupboard is close to overflowing and in biting my tongue, we shall see how long it takes for him to do it without my asking!

Fox = fix
In= I'm

So we are in the same boat then.

I am trying to hold my tongue too. DH gets really cranky if I point things out. I am getting cranky (without telling him) though as I feel as if the burden of doing things "properly" lies solely with me.

We live in a sub-tropical climate, so it's important to keep things clean. DH loves tidy - I am more focussed on the clean part.

We both work full time and as much as we try to avoid it, we often end up doing the same.

Dh does the clothes putting away but will often just do a shit job IMO lol. It used to really bother me but now, I am so busy, I am just relieved anyone is doing it .

I'm telling you now, your dh won't change the way he does it. You have to learn to rise above it. What annoys me the most, is if I ever raised it, was being told how petty I was being etc. Well if you did it properlyin the first place, it wouldn't be a fucking problem!

Rise above it otherwise it will make you unhappy!

My favourite is competitive tiredness . That beats not doing chores for annoying and pointless arguments you have when you are both flat out!

Yes, yes. We had the competitive tiredness argument this morning.

DH - I am so tired, I don't feel like the 1.5 hour drive to my meeting this morning
Me - I bloody feel like that every day - at least you get to stay home most mornings.
DH - That was totally uncalled for, you don't show any sympathy for me. EVER!
Me - Well you don't show sympathy for me, so get stuffed.

Having replayed that I can see where I should have been the adult and been kind. I was just pissed off that, once AGAIN, the school bags were not emptied yesterday. Cue me running around like a mad person looking for hats, school lunch boxes, missing water bottles, jumpers (yes all those things were missing)... ARRRGHHHHH!!!

Resentment is a killer, especially when you both have it.

Can you maybe do a rota/take turns with the washing up etc., so that you both know that's fairly shared? DH and I do this with cooking and washing up - but I nearly always end up putting everything away from the drainer. DS can be persuaded to help unload the dishwasher together with one of us, so we all take turns with that ok.
But with the washing up, it's straight turns - so if it gets left, there will just be more to do. This was set up to encourage DH to do it more quickly on the principle that he wouldn't then leave it all until the weekend. It has sort of worked!

Laundry - well I'm just too Monica-esque to let DH near it - I hate having things unnecessarily ruined from poor sorting and wrong tumbling, so I deal with it - maybe share out the chores from it, so you do the sorting and drying, and he has to collect it all and then put it all away? DH knows he has to put everything into his laundry basket or it won't get washed; I refuse to sort through his clothes on the floordrobe.

Bins - mostly DH's province, in fairness. But then I do all the sweeping.

Entirely up to you but it might work better to have designated chores rather than working out who does which most often - or use a rota.

Mmmmmm, maybe you should get a cleaner. It sounds like this is getting between you, and it can be really hard to get over something when the resentment grows. Good luck

Is this not just a normal marriage with two tired people in it?

We are similar only I don't work ft but am self employed and therefore nights and weekends are taken up and we only have one ds but dh works hrs and hrs each day.

I'm continually tidying up after him. He's allergic to the bin cos nothing ever goes in it if there is an available floor.

He's half a job Harry

Never washed everything up, never wipes down the kitchen, never puts away all the clothes etc etc etc.

Welcome to married life of two working parents!

Thumb - you make some good points, I'll have a think about the jobs DH does well and assign all of those to him (of course I'll discuss this with him first ;-)).

Ginger - we have a cleaner. We can only afford her once a fortnight though.

Cupcake - Half A Job Harry indeed. DH does everything, except pooper scoopering but it drives me NUTs that he doesn't do his jobs properly.

Whenever I read a thread about "It's not done the way I like It" I start to see red flags

Why Akermanis?

In this case, it's not so much the way "I like it" rather the way it should be done to maintain basic hygeine.

Life with three kids, both working full time is hard. It seems a little unfair that only one half of the partnership gives 100%. Having said that, I let most of it go and just do it myself anyway ;)

We have a cleaner too but she would have to come every day or live here to rule out the daily issues.

Oh the luxury of a daily cleaner.

DH used to do this and I just pretended that I thought he was a bit thick and I oh-so-helpfully explained how to do things properly. That massively got his goat as he hates to feel like people think he doesn't know something so he started doing things right, actually for some things he started telling me how to do it! If he does that I just pretend he's being really informative.

mmmm.... considers reverse psychology.

Evil indeed.

To be fair Akermanis, there's "not done the way I like it" and there's "not done properly". I'd like it if DH wiped the bin before he empties it, but I'm not fussed if he doesn't. If he doesn't replace the bin liner though, it IS a problem, as it's forcing me to do half the job.

Thankfully he does always do the bin properly, he's rubbish at emptying the dishwasher, so I've asked him not to do it, but to do X Y and Z instead. I have grated my knuckles twice, and been given a bump on the head by falling bowls! If it was just me being picky, I'd be telling myself to let it go, but when his half a job tactics forces me to re-do things and still leaves me with the other stuff to do, it is taking the piss.

If you're sure you're not being picky, then I'd try to have a calm word with him about it. If he's leaving you more work and getting more "time-off" at your expense, then it's not fair. If you're just being a bit fussy, then I'm afraid you will have to learn to let it go.

I think part of the problem is the mindset that he is 'helping'. This is akin to regarding fathers looking after their children as 'babysitting'. It's his job, he's not doing you a favour.

Personally I think these 'oops did I do it wrong?' attempts to 'help' are in fact aimed at making you take on the work because it's easier than having it duffed up time after time. This may be entirely subconscious rather than intentional. I'd agree with thumb though - if he finds it too difficult to remember what can be tumbledried and what not, and it's costing you money whilst he gets it wrong, perhaps suggest a different task.

But seeing this is your job to sort out, with certain easy tasks delegated to him to 'help' will ultimately end up with you doing more - and having more resentment. Playing to your strengths is fine - that shares the work in a more efficient way. But you're quite right, for example, that in a subtropical environment clean is more important than tidy. Why does he not share that view?

Exactly, MrsMangoB! Big difference between being pernickety about how something is done, and it being done to a decent standard/properly.

DH is another half-job Harry. Well, more like an 80% Ernie, really.

There's no such thing as 'done properly sink hole'.

What you mean is 'your way' is the only 'proper'.

Your dh is an adult and he gets to choose whether he cleans out the sink hole or not.

If you want it done differently then stop justifying hygiene bollocks and accept you like it done a certain way and do that extra bit yourself.

It sounds like you both work really hard but you cannot come from the position that only your way is best - that way madness lies.

Rubbish Laurie - there's "cleaning it out" and "leaving it full of gunk". If OP's DH leaves it full of gunk, then it's not been cleaned out. Mine is the same - always leaves it full of gunk and then wonders why the water doesn't drain out properly - never crosses his mind to get his fingers in there and pull the gunk out.

Laurie I would always be of the view that if you're tidying the kitchen you leave it completely clean, with the counters wiped and the sink clear. If you don't do that then it means the next person to use it has to do some of your cleaning up which isn't fair. Also it means that over time the kitchen gets more and more grimy to the point where it eventually needs a proper deep clean. If you do it properly every time then there's no need for that as it's always clean.

Hmm. It sounds like whatever he does, it isn't good enough. I feel a bit suffocated and panicky reading about it.

(Um. Perhaps I an projecting a teeny tiny wee small bit!)

I'm saying there's a middle way - at the moment there's too much criticism and most importantly they aren't clones of each other. No one will ever do it exactly the way you do it.

They need to come to a place where they each value that the other does it instead of imposing their own values on how it 'should' be done.

This all sounds very very normal to me!

Op you need to have a hard think about whether right way always = necessary way or whether sometimes right way = your way. Imagine how you would feel if DH were picking you up on things. Then try to reallocate the chores to remove friction. Obviously sink plug will have to go on your list. But if he is a tidy freak, surely emptying school bags goes on his.