Ex in rehab

[Llareggub]

My ex DH has gone into rehab today for a fortnight. He is an alcoholic which contributed to our separation in January. Our children are 5 and 3 and clearly they will need to be told something about where daddy is.

My ex has been living with his parents and sees the DC sporadically. Obviously he cannot be with them unsupervised but he will not be able to see them at all for the next few weeks. I am wondering what,if anything, should I tell them.

He is quite keen for a reconciliation when he comes out but I am as far from wanting that as can be. What should I tell the children? Should I chat to school (my son is in reception) and where can I get a little parrot to keep telling me that I am doing an ok job of it on my own?

Yes talk to school but can you tell the children dad is on a special holidays because he hasn't been well to make him better?

I beta you are doing great. I KNOW you can make two weeks.

My mil had an alcoholic partner. I have seen how hard it is.

At 3 and 5 they need be told no more than that Daddy is ill and has gone to have treatment to make him better. I appreciate that you don't want him back (and quite right, too: you cannot cure him of alcoholism and it is not your responsibility to look after him at the expense of your own and the DCs' well being).
However, depending on the rehab place he's in, it might be OK for the DC to send him get-well cards, that might be worth looking into as a way of helping them cope - unless his alcoholism meant that he was actively abusive to you and them rather than just stupid-drunk and careless.

Thanks, I will suggest cards to the DCs this weekend. They'll like that. There was one violent episode which immediately triggered our separation, prior to that life had been tense, and stressful. The DCs and I have flourished since then and we are all so much happier.

I have returned to work full time and I feel like I am finding myself again. I wouldn't have described myself as abused but one of the hideous side effects of his drinking was the impact on his financial management and for years I had no money at all. It's great to have access to money again.

I would be cautious about saying he's in hospital to make him better. It might not work. You don't want then really to have to explain why not or that hospitals do generally make people better, etc. Maybe caveat it a little as 'dad's gone to see if the doctors can help make him feel better'.

However, for his sake, you need to be very clear when he goes into treatment that there is no possibility of a reconciliation. If he is putting himself through this 'for you and the children' (a) it won't work anyway and (b) it would be highly cruel for him to have kept his side of this mental 'bargain' only to have you say when he emerges 'well I never suggested a reconciliation was possible'. I accept you can't control what delusions he has about the state of your relationship but please don't dodge the question. He needs to know the rehab is for his own sake, and not as a task to win you back.

Thanks Tribot. I have been very clear about my wishes and I have discussed divorce. I have told him that I have seen a solicitor. I have told him that the best outcome for us would be to develop a good enough relationship to be effective parents for the children, so that we can spend time together for their sake. I have been very clear about the future of our marriage.

He has been in AA for years so we all know the theory. This is my fear as he can talk the talk very well. He will be going onto Antabuse when he comes out, and has just received a driving ban for drink driving. His life is very much out of control.

He sounds like he's pretty deep in denial, then, Llareggub. About his marriage, his drinking, the works. Is the rehab a condition of his driving ban? It does sound very likely he will be able to talk his way through it without making any significant changes to his thoughts or behaviour.

I would move ahead with the divorce - he needs a clear sign that he's not on the road to reconciliation with you. I hope he can get back to sobriety.

They are very young, I would t say anything that relates to 'getting better' (from what, they may think) or even being ill. If it was me I would just say that Daddy has been tired and is staying somewhere for a while so that he can have a rest.

You are doing the right thing by divorcing him: it's not your responsibility to prop him up indefinitely. Because, of course, he may not stop drinking until he dies. AA is not a magic remedy and the only thing that stops an alcoholic drinking is the alcoholic's decision not to drink. Some of them never get to that point.

Thanks to you all for taking the time to reply. I managed to have a quick chat with my younger son's pre-school and they have observed that my older son has been quieter than usual this week. He goes there for after school club and I noted that they had sensitively handled the fathers day card activity for them.

I have arranged for my boys to see their grandfather (my husband's father) on fathers day and he was very grateful as clearly it is a difficult time for him too.

As for my ex, he rang me from rehab and sounds positive. He managed to stool drinking for 5 years following the birth of our first child but never addressed the behaviour that went with it. Some people call that being a dry alcoholic. He says he wants to change that.

I will definitely not consider a reconciliation and I am very happy with this decision, but I would like him to be the best father he can be and for this I would like us to have a good relationship. For my own sanity I need to stay positive. He described the after care programme post rehab and it sounds good. Hie is having CBT and is finding it helpful.

Anyway, thank you for your comments. It has helped in explaining his absence to the children.

You can get a little parrot to keep telling you that you are doing a grand job on your own by posting on Mumsnet .

Aw, thank you Mintyy. I keep meaning to reply to your lovely message btw. Sorry!

Hi Llareggub, I think i've posted on one of your threads before as we seem to be going through similar experiences. My alcoholic ex-DP is currently living with his parents after living rough for a few weeks after I finally had to get him to leave. He's done himself some serious damage so it will be a while before he is well enough to see the DDs. I've also struggled in what to tell my 4 year old but eventually said that daddy had not been well and that his mummy and daddy were looking after him. It's not easy is it, especially with Father's Day approaching.

Oh, it is so horribly common unfortunately. One of my NCT friends went through it too at the same time as me and I always regret never talking about it in RL. We could have been a great support to each other. I was so ashamed back then. I have told my RL friends this time and have found that they have been only too willing to help. I have been quite tearful by their support at times. Are you talking to real people too?

Yes i'd started to talk to people in RL, partly because we have to sell the house etc due to all the financial chaos involved. I too was very ashamed of what was going on. Over the last couple of months I've had paramedics, police etc at my home and so there's really no point in trying to hide it any more anyway. It sounds like you and your DC's are so much happier and life is much calmer for you now too, so it's a great inspiration to read your post.

I think it's very important to be open about it. I certainly could not have gone through my recovery this year if I hadn't have been open about it with the people around me. It's scary to make it 'real' but the hiding is itself a massive part of the problem. And you guys truly have nothing to be ashamed of, you're not even the addicts in your situation.

I think in the rather over-used phrase, the truth will set you free. Shielding our children is a different matter but the addict should not be protected from the truth. It doesn't help them and it certainly doesn't help you.

Glad to hear your H is doing well, Llareggub. Early days but he sounds like he accepts the need for long term support.

Good luck with your own recovery. I know plenty of people who have made it. I have made many friends within the AA community and I know that the key is sharing experience, strength and hope. I think whilst it is helpful to be realistic, for anyone involved in addiction there is so much to be gained from hope and optimism. I have to stay positive for my children, and I am in awe at anyone who manages to sustain recovery from addiction.