Frustrated with my mum and sister's attitude to my weight

[irishchic]

I posted this in AIBU, then thought it might be better in relationships as it is beginning to really affect my relationshp with my mum and sister.

I have always been slender, for the last 10 years my weight has been around 9 and a half to ten stone, and i am 5ft9inches.

In the last 6 months I have taken up walking, started drinking more water, and cut out alcohol during the week days. I have also cut down somewhat on sugar, as i now eat porridge for breakfast and not sugary cereals.

I feel great. My skin is clear, I have tons of energy and feel fitter and stronger. I have a very busy life with 5 young kids and am on the move all day so probably have a pretty high metabolism.

But my weight has also dropped to 9stone, (prob as a result of cutting down on alcohol and sugar) and so I now look very thin, and my face looks very gaunt. I didnt set out to lose weight, but at the same time, I dont want to go back to my old habits, as I felt very sluggish and unfit before. I do eat healthily, big breakfast, sandwich at lunch, and red meat, white meat or fish for dinner along with loads of salad, greens and fruit, and still have my bit of chocolate every night too, and often a scone as a snack in the afternoon if i fancy it.

The problem is my family, particularly my mum and older sister keep on at me about how I have gotten too thin, and they are very worried about me, my sister has even asked me if I might be anorexic or bulimic. I do appreciate their concern, but it is very frustrating constantly having to reassure them that I am not trying to lose weight, or that i have not got an eating disorder. I am a 42 year old woman with a young family, i have no interest in starving myself, i need to eat well and regularily in order to do what I do every day, and find it a bit almost insulting that I would put dieting before my health and family.

I accept that i am underweight, but i do not want to stop exercising and start drinking 2 glasses of wine per night and eating lots of sugary food just in order to put on half a stone and reassure my family. I dont know what to do. It has got to the stage I am avoiding visiting them lately as I feel they are watching what i am eating all the time, and i feel really pressurised by their worry as they have convinced themselves that i am starving myself. Its really upsetting me as I hate to be the source of their worry, yet I know that their worry is unfounded.

People thought I was anorexic at 5'10" weighing 9 and 3/4, so you must look very thin and I can appreciate their concern.

I understand where you are coming from with not wanting to return to alcohol and sugar, but you must not lose any more weight. You must eat enough of what you like to hold your weight; ideally more initially to get it back up to within the normal range.

Can't you eat more carbs with your evening meal? Full fat yogurt or hummus etc for snacks. Oily fish a couple of times a week. You could add the calories back in without resorting to alcohol or sugar...

According to this chart you are on the bottom of the healthy weight for your height range. If you are looking gaunt though, then you might need a little more padding - but at 42 it's not surprising - it's around this sort of age that we start losing facial fat and plumpness, so being at the bottom of the healthy weight range can lead to gauntness in the face.

HOWEVER - that doesn't make you ill. If you feel fine, you have energy and you are fit and well, then just ignore them.

It would be interesting to know what size your mum and sister are as well - I'm only asking because I had similar comments and problems with my sister and mum but when I was in my late 20s - both mum and sis were very overweight so in relation to them, me being at the bottom of the healthy range made me very thin in their eyes - but I was neither anorexic nor bulimic, I was just thin and healthily so.

If you think you do need to increase your calorie intake then I would suggest you do it through eating full fat instead of low fat, and making sure you are taking in around 2000 Cals a day (which is roughly what you should be on). If you go much lower you start to risk your hormone balance (as fat and cholesterol are absolutely necessary to maintain production of these) and your skin and cell membrane integrity, something you probably don't want to mess with in your 40s!

Irish, congratulations on the healthy changes you have made in your life and stuck to.

As far as your situation goes, I am quite like you have always been slender (although shorter), and people comment on my figure as well. The difference has been that even when I was very slim (and exercising lots), I always ate a like a horse in front of them. Have your mother and sister been able to observe your eating habits? Or are they still at you despite seeing that you are eating well?

And for what it's worth, at 5kg over my usualy weight, I am now in the 'healthy' range, however that is without exercising. Once I start exercising again, I will lose at least 2-3kgs of that. So what is 'healthy' for some is 'normal' for others.

Thumbwitch i do eat around 2200 cals a day, but think I will increase that a bit more to try and get that padding back. My mum is 72, carrying a bit extra weight now, but all through her 30s, and 40's was pin thin, and i think she has forgotten this! My sister is really tall, like 6ft and around 11 stone, so still slim, but not skinny.

Sosad - i have spent a lot of time with them lately as i have been helping mum with a house renovation. I have eaten porridge every morning and a big dinner with chocolate before bed, and have even found myself NOT going to the toilet for as long as possible after so they dont think i am making myself sick. Its ridiculous really when i think about it!

The trouble with being underweight or at the lowest end of a healthy weight is that, should you get sick and lose a few more pounds, it can drag on a lot longer because you have no reserves to fight with. As you've been thin your whole life, it's not such an issue but you could easily make up the lost half stone healthily rather than with wine and sugary foods.

You need to add an extra 500-1000 cals a day to your regular intake in order to gain steadily and you'll need to do this for several months. It sounds like a lot but it's quite easily done with high energy, healthy foods. Oils are the best source of calories so you could add things like oily fish, nuts, seeds, avocados and olive oil to your diet and quite quickly make up the shortfall. Other energy-rich, healthy foods are things like dried fruit and fresh fruit juices, wholegrains and pulses.

To convert these extra calories to muscle rather than fat you need to add some strengthening exercises. Light weights and other resistance work for example. Walking is great cardio-vascular exercise but it burns calories rather than adding muscle.

Cogito - thank you, that is very helpful advice, very practical and something i intend to follow. i would be happy to gain more weight through eating healthy foods and building muscle, although will find it hard to increase my daily cals an extra 1000(!) mainly as I dont get time to eat what i eat as it is! But i will try, especially as you rightly point out, if I do get ill then it might affect me worse because i have no reserves of fat.