joint residency and issues

[umbrella]

hi looking a bit of advise really. Been separated a year from exH. We have a joint agreement private nothing through the courts about the 2 boys. They stay with me weds thurs fri and alternate saturday nights. I also have them a few hours recently on a monday. I also pick the older boy up at school times most days. ExDH says he is away next sun mon tues night and his mum can look after them. I said i would prefer to have them and he is saying no there "his" days.
I dont know what to do really his mum doeasnt drive she doesnt speak much english she can look after them but they dont particularly like her. When i tried to reason with him hes saying its none of my business what he does they will be well looed after. I have no problem him seeing them or his mum but i dont think its right they have no parent for 3 nights i will see them over those days school pick up and other things but they wont have a actual parent putting them to bed. Am i being unreasonable. Should i seek legal advise. It was a horrible breakup i met someone else im not proud of myself but hes holding it over me and the guilt makes me bite my tongue and give in. I just dont know what i can do here to make him see they should stay with me when hes away.

I would say if they are "his" nights, then it is his responsibility to cover childcare if he has to work. If they are with their grandmother then he has ensured they are with a close family member, which sounds fair enough.

You are being unreasonable as he had made provision for them with his mother and as long as its not every week I cant really see your problem.

However if you dont like it then you could always scrap the amicable arrangment you have and let the courts decide. I would not advocate this though.

ok thanks opinions appreciated. :)

It will be something that will one day be an issue for you possibly, which is why it is worth letting him do it his way when it is his time, then he cant make demands on you if the situation where the other way around.

We always give the other parent the first call if days have to be arranged.

And I think that should be the standard.

It's definitely not the case in the UK legally, but I think somewhere it is either legal or something that comes up in setting up agreements that if one parent can't do then the next option is assumed to be the other parent rather than paid childcare or another relative.
It's great that the DCs have contact and spend time with wider family but if you are willing and able to do it then it seems unfair for ex not to offer.
You need to keep records of what happens so that if it does go to court for any reason you have documentary proof of what happened. And for ex surely it would be good if he had contact when he was actually able to see and care for his DCs?

i'd tend to agree with squeakytoy and maleview, if its not a regular thing then i'd leave it be.
As for comments about giving first option to other parent, good in theory but unfortunately anger towards the ex often gets in the way of making a rational decision of doing what's best for the children . Considering how the non-resident will feel when their kids are farmed off to other forms of childcare is either not something the resident parent cares about or they are deliberately doing it because they can , and because they want to make the other parent pay for whatever transgressions they have done. They don't even consider their own children's feelings and how they will later view them when they find out that Dad/Mum would willingly have had them for 'extra' days but resident/other parent said "no".

I think all the decisions need to be made with the child's perspective in mind.

What is bad about the grandma caring for them in your mind? Do you think they will be safe and happy or not?

The dad's assertion that they are "my days" is immaterial, what is important is where is it best for the children to be. It may be nice for them to stay with their grandma or they may be better off at home.

The "my days" and "the grandma can't drive" stuff is peripheral. What should be considered is what the children want and what will be best for them, how being cared for by grandma rather than dad might affect them etc.

I am considered the resident parent as such. The children are happier with me or there dad grandma is ok but not us. While she is good to them and loves them the boys prefer to be either with me or with there dad. Piestomake thats exactly how i feel how you summarised. My priority is them and there feelings.

Of course the children are happier with either of their parents - that's usually the case! But there is nothing intrinsically wrong with them spending a few nights at their grandma's on the nights that their DF is supposed to have them.

It is good for them to have a large extended family that they are close to. Instead of saying 'your mum shouldn't have them, I should' you could instead say 'if your mum isn't up to having them for the whole 3 days, I'm more than happy to have them for any of that time if she wants, just let me know'. Right now your ExH is probably thinking you wouldn't take them to his mums if she only wanted them for 1 or 2 nights.

I think the fact that she doesn't speak much English isn't an issue - or if it is, it is a different issue. Your ExH clearly comes from a multilingual home. It is good for the children to hear that language spoken, it is part of their heritage. One day they might like to learn it, and hearing it spoken, even if only a little will help in that way. How do you think non-English speaking children cope when they first start school?! They cope, they survive, and are better for it.

If it is only that the grandma isn't as good as the parents then I would let them go, what about school will they not be tired?

yes chitchat i fully agree im quite proud of there heritage :) maybe i was negative and went about it wrongly its just emotionally charged. there overall happy children and im proud of them i know they will be fine with grandma just would be happier if there was one of us on the scene. Thanks for responding!

no offred grandma lives with ex dh so school isnt a problem i will let them stay and she can call me if theres any problems im not far away

You have to separate your guilt and affair from what is best for your boys

We have this a lot with DSD. Joint residency, her Mum works FT so during the holidays she is with GPs or childcare. We've offered to have her if I'm home but her Mum insists that it's 'her time'. Seems daft sometimes but nothing we can do even though we know DSD would rather be here with her siblings than childcare.

Sounds like a good plan umbrella!

And try not to beat yourself up about how the marriage broke down. X

thanks offred the guilt will always be there but im trying to do the best for my kids in a difficult situation.

The guilt may not always be there. Hopefully you'll be able to let it go eventually, it's such an unhelpful and pointless emotion.

Thanks for the support :)