Unsure about relationship

[DbsLM]

So, I need some good mum advice. I have been with my boyfriend, for nearly 6 years. For 5 years it was great, however once I graduate from university I decided to take a job 2.5 hours away, rather than one that was only an hour away from him- due to the fact it suited what I wanted and knew I'd only be there for a couple of years and then move to London to be with him. The last year has been a bit up and down, he's recently started an MBA and I'm a vet on call, so we are struggling to see each other as much and for the past 6 months I'd be questioning whether the fact I was hesitant about moving was because I wasn't sure about us and whether we want different things (I'm not keen on moving to London and the lifestyle there).

Anyway, about a month ago I was at an event and met up with a guy I'd met a couple of years ago. When we first met a few years ago, it was odd as it felt like we'd known each other for years and got on well, but wasn't attracted to him. However this time we spent a lot of time together (with other colleagues as well) and after the event started texting and speaking frequently. I invited him over to visit the following weekend. Anyway, the messages and phone calls got more intimate..... as the week progressed. He came over that weekend and we ended up sleeping together. It was strange because after I had no regrets and we kept in contact.

However, I called an end to contact a few days later. However this lasted all of 24 hrs and soon we were back in contact again. I was determined not to see him again, however on the way back from London the following weekend we slept together again. But again a few days after, as I was very confused with the whole situation I cut contact (I have never behaved like this and was appalled that I'd cheated on my boyfriend).

To cut a long story short, the following week my boyfriend proposed, which I accepted and was delighted. However I saw the guy a week later and after telling him we couldn't see each other again, we ended up sleeping together again. I realised that the whole situation was ridiculous so asked my fiancee for space, however after 24hrs I realised that it was him (fiancee) I wanted to be with.

I am happy with my decision and planning on leaving my job to move to London, however what I can't figure out is why the hell I did what I did in the first place? I have never cheated on anyone before and never would? However I'm sad I'm no longer talking to the other guy and just generally confused:(

Sorry for the ridiculously long post, any advice?

Thank you!

So, the whole of your post was saying how you really wasn't sure about your DP, that you weren't seeing each other much and you wasn#t sure you wanted the same things. You said you didnt want to move to london (i dont blame you).

Now he has proposed and you are delighted?

As for the fuck buddy, does he want a relationship or is he fucking you because you are with someone else and therefore wont want a commitment?

Don't whatever you do leave your DP for fuckbuddy, you'll regret it, but i do think you need to seriously consider if you want to be with him, your behaviour (and im not judging) doesn't suggest that you do.

oh and for gods sake - DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB!

The FB, (god I hate calling him that) has said about wanting a relationship, and we jokily talked about getting married, kids and everything! I want to move back home (up north eventually) and he even seemed keen on that. But.. the question is was that all bull shit? He seems like a nice genuine guy and he knows quite a few of my friends and has had several 1-2 yr relationships throughout uni, so....?

I know my behaviour is bloody awful- I know it sounds cheesy, but I swear previously I wouldn't have even look at someone, let alone do what I did, that's why I'm so confused.

In regards to the job, I know I shouldn't give it up, but its not the greatest job in the world, and I've been looking at other jobs previous to what happened.

Basically I think I just need a slap and told to grow up! Just so goddamn confused why this happened in the first place and have such confused feelings about the whole engagement- its supposed to be one of the happiest times of your life and I keep swaying between happiness and being very confused why I did what I did:S I think I just need to get some balls, but its very hard to just get up and walk away after 6 years!

i dont think you have behaved badly, i just dont think you have behaved like someone who is head over heels in love with their partner.

If i were you, all things being equal i would

1. Dump the fuck buddy (sorry, crass i know).
2. Either call off the engagement or make it clear you are not wanting to get married for at least a few years.
3. Focus on your career for now. Are you in small animal practice or large? Do you work for a private practice or one of the commercial "pets at home" type practices? I have a lot of friends who are vets, one hs just got a job with the out of hours service, but its to fit in around her DD. Not the best career move i shouldnt think as she isn;t getting to follow through her cases, rather just patch up and send on way.

Your DP is doing an MBA, what are his plans for after this? Are they likely to lead to a settled job in london or will he be moving around alot? Are you content to put his career first? Because i think to move on in yours you need to find somewhere to commit to long term. Will you be looking for partnership at some stage? If you are happy for yoru career to be secondary then take vet "jobs" but that seems a shame to me (frustrated vet!) and i would want the autonomy a more secure position offers.

OP, you sound kind of young and a bit immature. Sounds like you were with your boyfriend/fiancé for most of University? At the end of your last post you talk about perhaps just needing balls to walk away. Those are NOT the words of someone who is happily engaged. At the start of your working life you may find that you change a lot as a person and it sounds like you need a bit of time as a single working woman to get to know yourself. Believe me, if you had been really in love with your now fiancé you would not have taken a job 2.5 hours away just because you had a vague antipathy to London. It sounds like the relationship has run its course and the dalliance with the other guy was telling you that. Do the kind thing and break off the engagement and end the relationship as gently as you can, before it all gets too messy.

It doesn't really sound like your boyfriend is someone you should marry. Consciously or subconsciously you're undermining that relationship. Sounds like you need some time alone to sort your head out!

This is brill- exactly why I came on here, you can't beat a mum's advice!

My mum isn't happy about my leaving my job and putting my DP first.

His plans after the MBA- doesn't really have any- his company have got a contract saying he has to work for another 2 years/pay out the fees. But he said one of the reasons for doing it was so we have more options, he would like to own his own business one day and so we could move out of London- he doesn't particularly like it either.

Plans at the moment are not to get married for a couple of years anyway- want to do it after the MBA.

Career wise, I feel a bit lost. To get where I am now (good exam results, vet degree) I've obv had to work hard and had goals for as long as I can remember. However towards the end of uni my (and a few of my female friends) aims were, to get a mixed vet job initially, however eventually go into small animal eventually as more flexibility for part time work, having a family/spending time with friends/family, which to me is more important than a job. Equally, not that I want to rely on someone else for money, argh!

I do enjoy my job, I just don't want my life to be dictated by work!

And when you meet someone that you really want to marry you will Just Know- cliched but true.

I do think you need to nurture your career a little, being a vet isn't just a job

Your so young what's the rush. I agree your relationship obviously needs looking at. The other man is just confusing the issue. You sound like your relationship hasn't been very fulfilling since distance and time have become issues.

Get rid of other man, you'll just have to be good and when you feel the need to contact him ask yourself why, what is it doing for you, what gap is it filling? That will give you direction with your current boyfriend.

I might get flamed for this but honestly I won't worry about your actions with the other man, forget it and focus on what you need for a happy relationship. It's of no benefit to your partner to find out as long as it stops and doesn't continue.

If it continues then you will need to think responsibly of how this is affecting others.

oh and i wasnt going to say this but i will, im not buying the "i dont want work to dictate my life" I should imagine you have your dream job - i think that is more you justifying not chasing it as you should to accomodate your DP. If that is the case and he is encouraging that - id drop him

cupcake "I might get flamed for this but honestly I won't worry about your actions with the other man, forget it and focus on what you need for a happy relationship. It's of no benefit to your partner to find out as long as it stops and doesn't continue."

I actually coudlnt agree more

I suspect that your Mum would have less of an issue with you leaving the job to be with him if she could see you were madly in love with/made for each other. Sounds like she can see it's not what it could be. In 10 years' time you will probably be blissfully married to some hunky farmer type and you'll realise how short you'd have sold yourself if you'd married DP. You just can't see that now as you have no comparison. And don't fret too much about planning a family friendly career just yet- try to do work you enjoy and it will have a way of working itself out.

Cupcake, I agree too!

Whatever you do, don't get married or give up your job. I think taking the distant job & your fling both reflect the fact that you've been with one man from a relatively young age, are considering the rest of your life in the same way, and wanted to branch out. Most people play the field first, travel, experience life then pick the one to share it with. You're trying to do it all a bit back to front. You have no obligation to your boyfriend/fiance really & you don't sound totally convinced that you know what you want in a partner. Somewhere between 'Fling Man' and 'Boyfriend' I expect. So maybe cool things with the boyfriend, give yourself a bit of time to work out where your life is going and who you want to take with you. I suspect it'll be someone you haven't met yet.

cupcake "I might get flamed for this but honestly I won't worry about your actions with the other man, forget it and focus on what you need for a happy relationship. It's of no benefit to your partner to find out as long as it stops and doesn't continue."

I agree too- that's why I know and have realised for some time that I need to move to be with him. I've been looking for jobs- good ones- that's why I've held off moving- I've had 3 job offers, but 2 weren't what I was looking for (not enough support- stuck alone in a brach practice- not going to learn anything/develop my career, so I stuck with my current job to find the right one, so when I moved it was for the right job as well as to be with DP, so I couldn't hold anything against him.

However now I've got to the stage where I've decided to leave my current job, locum until I find the right job. Also DP said (when we've talked about marriage previously) that he didn't want to propose prior to when he did as he didn't want me to feel that he was pressurising me to move- has always said he wants me to move, but has never wanted me to feel pressured, for which I'm thankful.

Phew, I took a deep breath before that one

Time tends to sort these things out but other people confuse things no end.

Enjoy your job, be selfish while you have no family responsibilities and enjoy yourself! You have the rest if your life for marriage, commitment and grown up stuff

OP, do come back and keep us posted about what you decide. By the way I'm not a Mum (not ruling it out though!) but I do have a professional career and a 5 year relationship in my twenties to look back on - much as I thought it was forever at the time I am so glad it ended and I met my husband after having a Very Good Time in between.

You slept with this guy because you wanted too. That is all there is too it.

I think you need to think very carefully if your new fiance is exactly what you want, is enough for you for the rest of your life, and suddenly has whatever it was you were missing that meant you shagged someone else three times.

I think a break from both would be a sensible consideration.