Long story, sorry, for which I have name changed. I've read widely here and elsewhere, but posted little, and want to say a huge thankyou to the posters who have gone before me, as I've learned a lot from you all.
Back story: H had affair, seemed to change from essentially decent bloke to complete twunt, very messy time of lies, deceit and false reconciliations covering several months, we are now in the process of separating (difficult because neither of us is prepared to leave the family home and/or take final responsibility for breaking up the family). OW still on the scene. I have realised that some of his behaviour might be EA/passive-aggressive/narcissistic (not sure exactly which, but lots of things have been ringing bells especially after reading red flags thread). Thanks to MN, I am all set in terms of having taken legal advice, photocopied documents etc and have essential stuff stored at a friend's house nearby just in case. We have two DDs, primary school age and a pre-schooler.
I have been snooping in his computer history. I'm not particularly proud of this, but I wasn't getting any honesty from him, and I felt I needed to use whatever methods I could to work out what reality was, e.g. I was trying to find out if he had an alternative web-based e-mail account, or whether he'd been doing lots of internet banking transactions, finding divorce information etc. It didn't take me long to realise that he frequently (but not invariably) deleted his history.
What I found though was completely unexpected. He had been to a site for pornographic/erotic literature. I looked at one of the stories - it was a graphic and hugely unpleasant description of the rape act, and the perpetrator's satisfaction at the victim's distress. I had nightmares for a week after looking at it (and I consider myself fairly broad-minded). I don't think it's illegal because it's just words on a screen, but it was really sick stuff.
After thinking about it for a few weeks, I challenged him, saying I knew he'd accessed porn via the internet, without saying what exactly I'd found. He admitted viewing some vanilla porn (which I'd never found in his history) and minimised its significance. He didn't mention the nasty stuff, and I assume he believes I am not aware of it. I had only found this stuff on one occasion, and in theory he could have found it by accident and never actually read it. I filed this information in my memory as "reasons to be grateful I'll be rid of him", and let it go, as I didn't want to make home life or the divorce process any more unpleasant than necessary.
I'm still snooping from time to time. Not looking for OW contact any more, as I've moved past that, but keeping an eye out for potential financial abuse. I found recently he'd accessed the same rape-themed literature site again. One of the stories involved the rape of a child. So I've had to rethink. He didn't stumble across it by accident. He actually must enjoy reading this stuff. And given that he often deletes his history, I probably am only aware of the tip of the iceberg. And I am disgusted. It seems so out of character, even for someone who has cheated and lied and generally been a bastard. He's NEVER been sexually inappropriate with me (in fact he's had very little interest in sex at all for the past few years, and I've been the one asking for it), and I have no concerns whatsoever re violence. But his behaviour post-affair-discovery has revealed a cruel and callous streak, which makes me uneasy.
My reality check questions:
How common is it for men to look at this kind of stuff?
How bad IS it, really, to read this? Any worse than crime fiction, e.g. a murder mystery?
Is it illegal?
I've always been very comfortable with how he looks after our girls when I'm out, but should I rethink this?
He has a pillar-of-the-community type job, where he is involved with welfare of young (but not particularly vulnerable) adults - do I have a moral duty to inform his employer, or do I leave well alone?
I just feel paralysed. Everything I thought I knew about this man has turned out to be wrong. I was scared anyway of how things will work out re child access and finances, even before I found out about the porn. I don't want anyone else to know about this and I've not told anyone in RL. I'm afraid that if I let on I know, or inform anyone else, things will just escalate and be worse for me and the girls. And he's sufficiently Respectable, and his line manager knows of his affair (OW is at work) and subsequent marriage problems, that if I did say something I'm sure it would easily be turned around as the delusional rantings of a bitter, betrayed, soon-to-be-ex-wife.
But if feels like such a burden I'm carrying. And I've been wading through crap for so long that I've lost my judgement of what is normal or reasonable.