MIL - how to deal with her?

[ProfCoxWouldGetIt]

This is more than likely going to be long and a bit complicated, but please bear with me

MIL and never had the best of relationships, DP was previously married (as was I) and we were good friends then, years later, we got together. But she is always going on about his ex wife, asking how she is, making a point of displaying her Christmas/Birthday cards in front of me. But when I fell pg with DD things seemed to get a bit better, we still have a slightly strained relationship, but it's much better than it was, or at least that's what I thought.

Now DP's cousin works at the same company I used to work at, so we have a few mutual friends, and while he was out with them (having had a few drinks) the conversation turned to mine and DP's engagement. He decided to tell these people that MiL had told his mum (DP's aunt) that DP was only marrying me because I had trapped him with DD, and that he deserved so much better. I'm still very close with one of these friends so they immediately told me.

I should add that the engagement wasn't a bit planned affair, DP just popped the question and caught me so off guard that I actually laughed at him and thought he was joking

So I'm annoyed at MIL for saying these horrible things, DP's Aunt for telling her son, and him for telling my/our friends (who apparently were all quite shocked and a couple told him off for discussing something quite private so openly). I spoke to DP about it and he just shrugs it off with "you know what my mum is like" and thinks I should just ignore it.

But I can't seem to forget it, every time I've seen her since I can feel my blood boiling, because of our history I've always tried particularly hard to make her feel welcome and tolerate all the things that wind me up about her, like DD even at the age of 3 weeks having to fit in around her stupid dogs schedule, and when her dogs chase and pin down my cats I can't get upset because "they're just playing" and how she pays no interest in DD at all, but then gets upset that as DD gets older she has no interest in MIL.

I can't cut all contact with her, and I wouldn't want to as FIL is lovely (although I am grateful they live 8 hours away) but how on earth do I deal with this? I suggested to DP that when we next met up with MIL, Aunt and Cousin that I ask them all to explain exactly what happened, but he got really cross with me and said I was just stirring (which yes, ok I probably was with that idea)

My FIL doesn't like me for long and complicated reasons that are mostly do with the fact it means DH won't live at home again or go in golfing holidays. He's been depressed since MIL died nearly 20 years ago.

I am polite but that's all, will smile, chat a bit and basically treat him as I would a work colleague.

I think you need to stop wanting a close relationship and just be civil but leave it there. You'll save yourself a lot of heartbreak.

They are only going to deny it if you confront them.

By cutting contact and making life difficult, you will be playing right into her hands, so hard as it may be, the best bet is to ignore, smile sweetly and be nice as pie to her... (whilst thinking what a cow she is).

Pretty much what happycamel said. Accept that it's never going to be a genuine, warm relationship and just be civil and polite.

If they live 8 hours away then it's not too hard to be distant from them

I sympathise with your situation op as i dont have a great relationship either with my mil as she constantly underminds me and treats my dh like a child (he is an only child aged 37) she also treats our ds like her own and used to encourage him to call her mum etc when he was a toddler.

That is just the tip of the iceberg but what the toxic mil's seem to want is their boys to need them and want them more than their wife. My tactic now after ten yrs married is to ignore the negative comments, be extra nice to the fil and dp and never ever put mil down to your dp. men cant handle the two women bitching and by not saying anything about her means he is only hearing negative bile from mil and will start to open his eyes.

I know my mil and i will never be friends but i will not let her come between me and my dh or ds cos she would love that.

Arms length and self control are my way of dealing with mine.

Thanks all of you - I actually feel better just for getting it out of my system. I don't expect MIL to ever be close, so I will just plant a big smile on my face and be as sweet and polite as I can be.

SO I guess spitting in her tea when no one is looking is out of the question? :)

It is hard and tbh I have spent the best part of a year feeling rage and anger towards mine but tbh the only person suffering is me and I'm trying hard to let it go now for my own sanity!

hmmm, you know what... if it were me I'd have a word with the cousin. Can you speak to him? Maybe let him know how shocked you were to hear that he had spoken about it to mutual friends. He is, after all, the one spreading the stuff around.

Maybe it will get back to MIL (or at least to his aunt) that you know.

great advice you've been given. My MIL is basically brill though I don't see her much, even though she is lovely I still have a few deep breath moments, I just need to develop the self restraint to deal with things as calmly as suggested.

I agree. But would also slip in to the conversation as often as poos about your dp popping the question and catching you off guard, how planned your dd was and how much your dp had wanted her, and I'd probably try my damndest to suggest that "god forbid anyone ever thought I would trap dp by having a child, what kind of [insert choice words here] would ever suggest such a thing?!?!" I can be quite catty and get my point across. I quite like it. Well, she got her point across, why the hell shouldn't you?!

Oh yes a few passive aggressive jibes here and there keeps the edge off!

ProfCoxWouldGetIt - I feel for you. Did not have the problem of my m-in-law actively bitching against me, but over the last 20 years have come to a few conclusions. I think some women are very competitive and want to be the matriarch. They see daughters-in-law as some kind of threat. Most men tend to defend their mothers even when they are being unreasonable, especially if said mothers have dominant personalities. So used to being dominated as children don't see the problems. Men also don't like speaking out against their mothers.

I tried to take the line that I would smile sweetly and endure as far as poss. Then they haven't put you in the wrong. As others have said, detach as far as poss as well. Painful and unjust though your situation often seems, they are your children's grandparents. Young children don't notice the unjustice but when they get older they start noticing things for themselves and if your m-in-law is really unreasonable in the future your children will notice. My dd has (age 16).

Something hopeful. My m-in-law has actually mellowed with age and is nicer than she was. Also as they get older and possibly more infirm, I think they realise that ds-in-law might have a little more power than before. I don't think you ever become big mates if you've been treated badly, because you never feel you can totally trust them. But things can improve! Hope this helps.