It's so embarrassing to have chosen the wrong guy

[mrsbaglady]

And have spent 15 years of my life with him. And had 3 children with him. When he's not even treating me properly.

My parents and friends are going to be SOO disappointed when they find out we are splitting. They'll be horrified, they all think he's great. I feel as though it totally reflects on me and my poor judgment. And what do I say to the kids???? The oldest is 8 and just saying to him "Mummy and Daddy love you very much but we don't love each other any more" WILL NOT WASH with him! He's going to ask why, what has Daddy done to me? what do I say?? Daddy is rude and dismissive to Mummy? He turns everything into a battle?

You decide what you are going to tell the kids and you tell them that, and you repeat it as often as necessary and you do not justify your decision to little people who are not old enough to understand anything about adult relationships in general and their parents' marriage in particular.

You may well find that everyone else does not like your H as much as you think they do...in my experience the truth comes out only when the relationship is over.

To friends and parents you tell the truth. You don't necessarily tell the whole truth - particularly not to people you don't entirely trust - but you tell the truth. They will be horrified but I think that's more because they will have found out that the bloke they thought was great turned out to be an abusive wanker.

To your children, again, you tell a cut-down version of the truth but in an age-appropriate way, you don't tell them all the gory details or try to pin blame, and you repeatedly reassure them that it's nothing to do with them. If your son asks you why you're splitting up then just say something like "mummy and daddy have not been happy together and we have decided that it would be better for everyone if we were apart" and just keep repeating that.

It is hard. But it will get better.

How about,

mummy and daddy love you very much and always will, but we won't be living together anymore. We don't get on as well as we should and its best if we live in different houses.

I was talking about children whose parents don't live together with my two dcs and they actually thought that sounded great, as i put such a positive spin on it regarding having two different houses to go to!

If he's rude and diss missive of you, other people will notice. I used to be part of a 'golden couple,' perceived as the benchmark for our friends but by the time I ended it, they'd seen through him and no one blamed me!
You can't stay and be miserable because of the initial awkwardness. Your son will understand, because you will treat him fairly and intelligently.

It's not embarrassing. My mother has stayed with my dad for almost 50 years because she was too embarrassed to be a divorcee. Her life is pretty horrible. You do not want that for yourself.

Don;t tell them ( kids / family) unless it's definitely definite either. I asked my DH for a divorce 6 years ago. We did not end up divorcing, but he had told my Mum at which point she ripped into him telling him she didn;t blame me and that she had never liked him etc ect.. ( He HAD been treating my disgracefully btw!) Even though we are still together he still won't tolerate my Mum. He goes monosyllabic and tight lipped when ever she is about. Family occasions are so awkward. Nightmare.

You shouldn't be embarrassed, people are very good at hiding their true colours! I know if i told my family about what my DP was really like they wouldn't let me come home.

Thank you everyone. Just having a bit of a wobble. bleedingheart, he's not like that towards me in public - honestly, people will be astounded, their jaws will drop. I know we're held as the happy couple who have it all sorted and will be together forever.

Your parents and friends do not have to live with this individual on a daily basis; you do and have suffered as a result. Who cares actually what they think?. They should be supportive and not judge you.

Abusive men as well can be very plausible to those in the outside world. One or two of your close friends may have had their suspicions re him.

Too many women stay for too long in bad relationships, don't let that be you.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?. You can show them that it is not right to be treated abusively and that it is okay to leave such abusive treatment behind. Tell your children the truth which is age appropriate; you and their Dad cannot live together any more and its certainly not their (i.e your childrens) fault that this has happened.

He is not either a good dad or H if he is prepared to treat his wife and mother of his children like this.

BTW it may be an idea for you to do the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as such emotionally abusive men do take an awful long time (years) to recover from. This can be a valuable part of that long and drawn out process.

Marge. When if he was treating you disgracefully then he deserved it! He has no right to make family situations awkward over it. He should suck it up!

Yeah I don't think it's a good idea to advise people not to ask for support from family until the divorce is final, that can take years and rl support is vital.

YY PooPoo, marge, are you happy with him now?

mrsbaglady I've namechanged (hope its worked!) but am so glad you posted. I could have posted exactly what you did. I am in exactly the same position. I don't know what to do.

We also come across as the perfect couple. It's only recently I've really started to realise the reason for this is that I make excuses for him all the time and cover up what he is actually like towards me. I feel so much lighter when he's not around. The thing is he is so happy with me and will be devastated if I leave, not to mention what the dc would do. I don't even know where to start

Have you told you DH yet?

*your not you

NotHappy, sorry you're in the same situation. Yes, I feel "lighter" when he's not around too - breathe a sigh of relief when he leaves for work in the morning and start to feel apprehensive and anxious when he's due back in the evenings. How can your DH be happy with you if he knows you're so unhappy? What is the problem you have with him?

It's more or less a mutual decision between us, though as I say we've not announced it to anyone yet and I'm terrified of doing so. He is utterly cheesed off, as I am, with the arguments and silences and misunderstandings between us, but he never really thinks to try and explore why they are happening, and try and come up with possible solutions. It's always been the same, his reactions are just the same as ever and I can't see this changing. I've tried and tried and there's nothing more I can do. We are starting counselling as a last resort but I'm pretty sure it's closing the stable door after the horse has bolted. And the thought of being alone with my kids right now, though daunting, is really bloody appealing.

I still tell people funny little stories about him, and talk about him as if there's nothing at all wrong ... really not sure why I still do this ...

I don't think any of my friends are in perfect relationships, are people really that unaware of the ups and downs and difficulties at the very least that creeps into many a relationships along the way? I think sometimes people are kidding themselves that everyone think's it's perfect, of course people are going to say 'gosh, you always seemed so happy' but others that really know you surely know a slightly different truth? Or have noticed he's a bit off/nasty/says things/you aren't constantly happy?

Anyway, you only get one life and you are the one that has to lead it, the fact that you are looking forward to being on your own with your kids says it all. I would stick with a simple story for your eight year old ('we don't get on anymore' 'we don't want to live together any more') and answer questions that come up, but don't say anything bad about his dad (given he's 50% his genes).

Sorry mrsbaglady I misunderstood, I thought your husband was happy but your are not. This is sadly the case with us.

I've tried talking to him many times, we go round and round. I also tell people funny stories about him and carry on like normal. Sorry didn't mean to go on about me, I keep thinking I'll start a thread about it, maybe I will.

I think I know what you mean about not really knowing if the counselling is worth a go, as though in your head you already except it is over but it seems as though it is more acceptable if you have tried every single possible thing to make it work.

I have no advice on the next step I'm afraid but I understand the problem, I come from a great big family and not a single couple is divorced, I would feel hideously embarrassed to admit it. I do hope you manage to listen to all the great advice on here though and get to where you want to be.

mrsbaglady (and for that matter NotHappyEither),

Do NOT undertake any joint counselling whatsoever with your H. It will not work.

Joint counselling should not go ahead if there is ongoing emotional abuse; it just gives the abuser more ammo to lob at you. Also such men can and do dominate such sessions. It is never recommended anyway when there is abuse within the relationship.

Sole counselling for you would be a very good idea and you can then express yourself properly without him talking over you.

Do read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft and also read the emotional abuse threads on these pages.

Many women in your situation downplay emotional abuse or minimise it out of a misplaced sense of shame and or embarrassment. You do not have to put up with this ill treatment.

I've been looking at a lot of the EA threads on here Attila and even though I agree my DH talks to me in ways I would never accept from anyone else and does occasionally completely lose it (though never actually hits me) it is so far and few between and is actually less now than it used to be since I've told him I won't put up with it. It's not escalating or getting worse. Most of the time we are fine and tick along nicely, he's good with the kids, does loads around the house, works really hard. We've got loads of joint dreams and plans. I don't think it's EA simply he's a very hard man to live with occasionally.

I've just lost a lot a respect for him because of all the little bits and I don't know if it's worth trying harder.

Sorry for the hijack mrsbaglady

Nothappyeither- have you started your own thread yet? The scant info you post is like the tiny light twitching & blinking in the deep, only once they bite does the Angler fish become visible & it's too late for that little fish to see the shiny bait is the tip of a mountain of trouble.

MrsB don't go to joint counselling, do go to individual counselling. Read Lundy Bancroft, read & think don't wibble, don't minimise and dismiss - think.
If your friends would see you suffer you have shit friends. If you are consumed by embarrassment to the point it stalls the process, if it is meaning you don't speak the words outside the 2 of you so it isn't really real...that is your answer.

Marge- I'm sorry but your DH sounds like a right...prize. He's still treating you badly, his behaviour is pathetic. Not as bad does not equal good enough.

Do NOT undertake any joint counselling whatsoever with your H. It will not work. Joint counselling should not go ahead if there is ongoing emotional abuse;

Is there abuse in this relationship? I didn't see that.