He doesn't want to marry me

[learningaswego]

Been together three and a half years, I fell pregnant unexpectedly and he moved in with me. Since then we have somehow managed to buy a house together and we rent out the top floor to my sister and her family.

(Background : I'm currently a SAHM, the deposit and everything was his although my name is on the mortgage too - but and my dad has been doing A LOT of work on the house otherwise it would have been inhabitable).

We have talked about having another child this year which he was all for and spoke of wanting more in the future.

The problem: Marriage.

Tbh the only reason I bought it up was to see if he would be willing to do it, money aside and everything if he fundamentally thought it was something we were ready for. The answer, 'I'm just not ready'.

So how can someone be ready to have subsequent children with someone, have a mortgage but not want that. The reason I can't help but think - he felt pushed/ pressured into those things. What else can I really say.

He said, 'it's not that I love you any less than if we were married' but let's be honest of course he does... else he wouldn't have any inhibitions to propose.

For me this also links into whether or not I start this monster training job (for me anyway) job in Sept, leaving dd at half 7, getting back at 6, 5 days a week, let alone assignments and marking at the weekends and holidays. Boyfriend has currently been saying don't worry about it, we can get by, enjoy time with dd but if his plans aren't longer term then I don't want to be stuck on my own without a career/ way to provide for my family.

Anyone else in this sort of position? Am I being unreasonable or what would you do.

Feel like there is nothing I can do, if he doesn't feel that way about me (Yet?) then no amount of talking with him can change that. You either feel it... or you don't. Right?

Marriage isn't important to some people, to others it is. It is very important to me.

If I was in your position I would have to prioritise my future security rather than that of us as a couple. This would mean doing the course. How long does your course take?

Once you have children and property together then marriage makes sense because it protects you (the non-earning partner) financially and gives you other very important rights. Some men deliberately avoid marriage for this reason. Others because marriage = 'grown up' and they want the illusion of freedom.

It is stupid that he's 'ready' to buy houses and have children with you but 'not ready' to sign on the dotted line. Whether he's serious about the relationship or not, therefore, in the absence of a marriage certificate make sure that you are named on all documentation of things you own together, that he has made a will in your favour, those kinds of things. Cover yourself so that, if it breaks up, you don't lose out.

If you're not going to get married then you need to sign a cohabitation agreement. Agree with PP, you have cock all rights if you're not married (I was horrified to discover how unprotected you are). And agree with you that children/property are far more of a tie than a marriage certificate. You do need to protect yourself.

There is a big difference between not wanting to get married and not wanting to get married to YOU.

He may not be ready to get married but sees it in the future for the two of you. Or not.

There are a few options here and I think you need to talk with him to find out what he is thinking. Then when you know exactly where you stand you can make your choices.

In the mean time, get legal protection as Cognito says.

I agree with CHitChat.

How long is the course for? How old is your DD?

You can end up on your own - married or not.

I (after being left with a small child when i was very young - which has possibly made me too cautious) would always advice a women to not become financially dependant on a man whether that means having a job or not.

My DP has never wanted to get married (13 yrs and 2 children) I knew this from the beginning.

Might sound sad (but it was VERY important to me) DP could leave tomorrow and nothing would change for me (Financially, housing etc - except i would miss him!)

Does he say why?
Does he have strong feelings against it or just no strong feelings for it so doesn't have an incentive to get married?
I have very ambiguous feeling towards marriage and am not married- i live with my DP and have a DS- financially its different to you (house in my name - he is SAHP); Emotionally the decisions to have children together and to buy a house together seem very different from the one to get married. I also think that having had a child together the decision to have another child is different- you are already bound to the person you have a child with and more children doesn't alter the position.

That said I would from a practical stand point want to make sure of my position financially if i were you- not just from the point of view of splitting up but also in case anything were to happen to either of you- as someone said rights are limited if you are not married and there is no such thing as being common law partners.

Yeah I completely agree with what you are saying about doing the training; objectively I agree with you all.

Well in light of this situation I know I have to do it, as things may not be as cosy as I thought.

Really what I suppose I'm getting at with this thread is where exactly am I meant to go from here?

In our relationship I mean, independently of dd?

Aussiebean - he's not opposed to marriage, we had a long calm talk about it yesterday and he said he's just waiting for when it feels 'right' between us. It's been something we've talked about for nearly a year now.

What if it never feels right?

This isn't because I have this desire for the wedding itself but more because it didn't occur to me that he doesn't feel as strongly for me as I do for him.
I don't want to be planning a family (more children anyway) with someone who doesn't feel he can commit to me.

Trouble is, don't really want to risk losing him.

Just don't know where to go from here.... with him anyway.

Have you discussed marriage with an antenuptial contract? Maybe that's his hang up?

Hello, OP

I'm a wedding planner and I have to say (sorry) that this doesn't look good. I often find that if a man says he "doesn't believe in marriage" or somesuch, he will one day end up married...just not to you.

You are no doubt a good person, indeed you sound like a REALLY nice woman and need to have an honest chat with him. You've gone a long way down the route to commitment but if you want to get married and he doesn't, there is no compromise here.

I have met grooms whom I just know will back out...and guess what, they always do.

Put all of your efforts into securing your own financial future. Make sure you get your career going. Keep your finances separate, particularly in terms of debts. Get your father's work on the house recorded. Your partner may have put in the deposit, but from the sound of it, your father has improved its value. If you split up, you risk losing the deposit but your father's work which added value doesn't get taken into account.

I wouldn't ask him about marriage again. Do your best to secure a good life for yourself. If he doesn't want to marry you then, hey, tell him someone else is bound to, so he shouldn't worry his little head about it.

Have you asked if he would like to get married to you at some point in the future?

Men are strange creatures in my experience! Maybe he is worried about the cost of a wedding and wants to wait until you can both pay for the day you would really like?

My DH took 9 loooong years to propose, I can't say why I wanted to get married so much, I guess it felt like having an extra bit of security and officially saying "I love you". He wanted everything to be wonderful and had started saving up secretly the year before as he didn't want to be engaged for years without a wedding date set.

If everything else in the relationship is going well and he's reliable etc. I think my advice would be to try not to think about it and it will happen eventually. Family and friends will probably start asking him when he's going to propose and do the nagging for you if you've been together a long time!

Just nip down to the registry office with him and a couple of witnesses, let him know you're not after a 'dream wedding', so to speak. If anything, to cover yourself financially. You just don't have that same protection if you are co-habiting as others have said.

Personally, I wouldn't be planning to have any more children with someone who wasn't prepared to commit to me properly. Although marriage is no guarantee that you will be happy together forever, it is imo a statement of intent and does give you some legal and financial security (very important for a sahm).

I would tell him that if he doesn't want to get married, then you are certainly not going to put pressure on him to do so, but that you do have to protect yourself in case he died, or in case he decided he wanted out at some point in the future. That means property in both names (which you've done already, so unless he has a specific agreement detailing that he paid the deposit, you would both get 50% in the event of a split), wills being done etc.

I would continue to build my career - much too risky to give it up to be an unmarried sahm. If you split, you would get no financial support for yourself, only for the dc.

Possibly, he hasn't even thought about how vulnerable you are and if it was brought to his attention, then he might reconsider how he feels about marriage. certainly he should be willing to get legal documents drawn up to safeguard you to some extent. A man who loves you, should not want to see you left vulnerable, should the worst happen.

It does sound a bit as though he has one eye on the exit door - not that he is about to up and leave you immediately, but in his mind you are a Will Do For Now partner. When you say you 'somehow' managed to buy a house, whose idea was it? If he's been reluctant but gone along with it all the time, you may be able to get him to marry you, but he will a) remind you every time you argue that you were the one who wanted to marry or b) up and leave at some point because he thinks that his Perfect Partner is out there somewhere and she isn't you.

At least he's not giving you any bullshit about not believing in marriage.

For now he's your boyfriend that you have a house and a child with.

Carry on with that level of commitment in the forefront if your mind - he's not prepared (yet?) to make a long-term or legal commitment to you, so make your choices on that basis.

That he wants you to make yourself financially dependent on him with more children while keeping his options open if he feels like leaving does not say anything great about him.

Do your course, keep up contraception, keep your own options open.

You're no more committed than he is. If you eventually decide to leave, there's no promise keeping you there.

You could suggest getting married at the registry office for legal reasons, for your children really, should either one of your pop your clogs next week. Forget the romanticised side of marriage, take that out of the equation. So many people who get married focus on the perfect wedding day, spending squillions of pounds which is not necessary at all. Everyone gets the same piece of paper at the end of the day.

Marriage is really important to me. But I realise things have moved on since I got married. I'd ask him at an opportune time and in a thoughtful but not accusing way, exactly how and why he doesn't feel he is ready for marriage. And I do agree that you can end up on your own married or not.

My now DH was never bothered about marriage and nor was I until my solicitor told us what the ramifications could be if one of us died and we weren't married. It scared the living daylights out of the both of us.

My DH hates fuss and being the centre of attention so we compromised. We had a small registry office wedding and a fab party in the evening for all our friends and family.

I never thought we'd get married as he likes to think he's an anarchist at heart and being married is so 'suburban' but you know what, I didn't hassle him about it, it just happened of its own accord (and with a little help from our solicitor).

It probably will happen one day but isn't on his list of priorities and perhaps that's something you've just got to accept for the time being.

There's no way I'd give up work/study to be a SAHM without being married. You are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position if things do go wrong. You can't (and shouldn't) nag him into wanting to marry you, but you can say no to having more children, and you can focus on building your career to give yourself some financial security.

I too am confused by how he can buy a house with you, have a child with you and plan for more, support you as a SAHM - but not 'feel ready' for marriage. Surely marriage in a situation like yours is just formalising the arrangement you already have?

Marriage is important to me also, but I do appreciate that there is no guarantee with it. Being married doesn't mean you'll always be together! You have to hope for the best, really. DH and I both love each other, and both hope to stay together for ever (just like the next couple). wellhellodolly that's the reasoning behind my last post - basically couples who are not married just don't realise what's at stake when children are involved (with other commitment like mortgages, savings, etc). It's important to cover yourself should the worse case scenario happen tomorrow..

I'm a mother to boys only. Society has changed so much. I live with my DP and have no intentions of marrying him. We're not a religious family, and I don't have children who need ligitimising. I see marriage as nothing more than a financial agreement. I caution my boys when it comes to it.