I am rapidly going off dh. Advice please!

[transformerpencil]

I am feeling totally let down by dh who has been making absolutely no effort at our relationship for ages. He is good with the kids but expects me to do absolutely everything in the house and for him and is basically being lazy and in considerate. I cannot remember the last time he even made me a cup of tea or unloaded the dishwasher. He makes no effort with his appearance, shows me no affection and pays me no compliments, but expects me just to be in the mood foe sex at bedtime. I have talked to dh about this and he may do one nice thing but then reverts to old ways. He can see no problems in our relationship.

Sounds like he treats you like a servant.

How does he react when you talk to him? Does he get annoyed or does he act calmly?

He has no real incentive to change. You have to give him one which, condensed, is along the lines of 'shape up or ship out'

When i talk to him about this he sort of makes a bit of a joke about it, then apologises for being crap, does a few nice things then reverts back.
I feel like we just co exist at the moment. Most things he does annoy me - even his voice just now on the phone. We have to snap out of this but i am not sure how. He used to make me feel like he totally adored me and was so thoughtful towards me.

The only way it gets better is for everyone to take the problem seriously and then make a big effort to be more considerate or whatever. If one party thinks it's all a big joke and is only half-hearted about the relationship, I can't see it getting any better until you bring things to a head. There is no downside to his behaviour at the moment. He apologises for being crap and then carries on exactly the same way. He has no incentive to change.

I will be watching this thread with interest as I don't feel valued or appreciated at the moment.

OP he wouldn't would he as he's getting everything he wants.

Yes OP it is indeed time for a big "shake up", and mean it.

I don't blame you for being fed up - I would be too. Here's a thought - how about you get dressed up and go out with your friends once a week, leaving the washing up piled up and the laundry in the basket, and him sitting on the sofa watching TV. Stop being his servant, and start being a glamorous independent woman who might just be slipping through his fingers (which, let's face it, you are). Have some fun. I am NOT talking about flirting with other men or an affair - just hanging out with your girlfriends and having a laugh. I think you'd resent him less, and he might start noticing how much you do for him when you leave him to do it by himself more often.

Thanks for the replies. It is good to know i am not alone empire. I am just not sure hoe to bring things to a head.

Well firstly stop doing everything for him. Do you wash his clothes? And organise things for him? If so, stop doing that and let him know that he will have to do those things for himself.

Explain exactly how you feel and make it clear that he can't brush it off with jokes. Do you still have sex with him?

Sorry i cross posted becstarsky. I think you are onto something. I very rarely leave him to do stuff in the house and i just automatically look after the dc so he just gets involved as much or as little as he wants as he knows they will be fine. I feel guilty when i go out leaving him to do stuff in the house because i think i see that as my role.

Are you a SAHM transformer?

Hi cailin. Yes i pretty much do everything for everyone in the house. We do have sex often, but he always intiates it because i don't particularly feel in the mood. But he is quite caring in that area.

You have to start asserting yourself transformer. Ideally your DH would automatically know what you want and need but clearly he doesn't so you have to state what you need and made it very clear that you expect to have it. It sounds like over time you've slipped into the role of servant and for that reason your DH thinks he can just do as he pleases and you'll just pick up the slack. You need to put your foot and let him know that actually you have needs to and he has to share the burden with you.

Okay, so you need to give yourself a mental tidy-up. Because currently you say you feel guilty if you don't do stuff in the house and leave him to do it. But you also feel resentful at your DH because he doesn't do it. There is no room for this man to get it right! Let him help. Thank him for helping. Give him the chance - say 'I'm going out with the girls, it would mean so much to me if you could put the DSs to bed and sort out the house while I'm out'. Tell him he never looks so sexy as when he is helping you (oh the sight of you in those marigolds, baby... nah, don't think I could carry that one off either !). Don't feel guilty for not washing up. Feel guilty if you don't give him the chance to wash up.

I would also heartily recommend suddenly needing to spend a week with a sick relative/friend/health-spa/cottage by the sea that lives a nice long way away.... Once in charge of home, children and all the rest, he will have no choice but to deal with it all.

Thank you all so much for helping me sort my head out. I can see now how things need to change around here. I am feeling so much better and can see a way forward.

I know exactly what you mean transformer my DP is driving me crazy right now! Do you want to run away with me some place nice where there are no twattish, lazy, arsehead men?

Oh I love a happy ending! Good luck transformer wishing you all the best.