Little white lies - need some perspective! (really really long, sorry!)

[bluecarrot]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 5 months. Its a semi long distance relationship and we see eachother maybe one night a week or so, but Im really starting to fall for him.

However, he has told me on several occasions, things that just arent true. I have some issues with trust from prior relationships which I was trying to put behind me but now Im not sure if Im being reasonable by being upset over the fibs.

Lie 1) He lied about where he lived when we met. Now, in fairness he admitted it about a month later and said that it was because he didnt think I would date him if he lived so far away. Which may have been true, I dunno, but anyway, on its own, this wasnt a big deal to me.

Lie 2) The night before a romantic weekend away in May, he was coming up from his home town by bus after work. An hour after he should have got on the bus he called me to say he had missed it, but was getting a lift with someone who was coming up to near my area that night. I had gone in to the city to surprise him off the bus, so thought Id just call a friend and see if they wanted to go for a drink, since Id a babysitter and all anyway.

Walk into a bar, and there is my boyfriend at the bar (amazing coincidence as its a city with lots of bars) He didnt see me and we left quickly. He was with a group and I knew Id cause a huge embarrsing scene if I stayed. He came to my house about 3 hours later really drunk (he rarely drinks) and said he had been drinking vodka on the way up in the car. I didnt tell him I knew. I couldnt work out if he had lied because he thought Id be upset that he wanted to go out with mates the night before our weekend away, when we barely see eachother. I know I wouldnt have minded at all, as he isnt in the city much to see them and we were about to have 2 days together. I did mind the lies.

ANYWAY, we spent most of the last week together. It was his birthday and I arranged a night and 2 days away, day trips with my DD etc. It was lovely and I was forgetting all about lie 2) etc. On the Thursday I had to work so he was going into town to see mates and said he would be back at 5pm, and we and dd would get a dominoes (huge treat for dd-she was v excited) and have a games and movie night. It got to 7.30 and I went ahead and started making DD dinner. She was sad to not have a dominoes, but I cant eat them (intolerances) so it would have been wasteful to get one anyway. We still played games etc. At 8pm he came in and I was a bit sarky - "phone not working" etc . I told him I wasnt feeling well (I really wasnt) and was tidying up after dds tea then going to bed. So he went off and huffed in my living room. I let him. About 11pm I finally went and got him and apologized for being cheeky and asked him to come on up to bed. We chatted and made up and he apologized etc. However, one thing he said was "I hardly play football or see my mates now Im dating you" I felt like saying about Lie 2 but was feeling so unwell I just wanted to sleep and I didnt say anything. (He had said before he didnt mind missing these things for me)

He went off on a lads weekend and texted lots and was v sweet. The night he came back he stayed with me and we chatted some more. Convo came around to hinesty and I saw the chance to bring up lie 2. He tried to cover his tracks a bit and I didnt really get the full story in the end. BUT, he promised no more lies etc. He was in love with me and never felt like this before etc. ...

Lie 3) On his way back from said weekend he said he was getting the bus at x time. Ive just found his ticket -must have fallen out of his pocket- and he got the bus an hour earlier (he would have been on the bus from airport when he texted me he is getting the later bus!)

ARGH! Am I right for these things to bother me? Is it a "have a serious discussion" thing or a "dump his ass" thing? The next day Ill see him is 9 weeks away, on my birthday, at about 10pm (apparently!) and hes taking me away the next day for an overnight somewhere. Should I make up an excuse for him to cancel the night away? (Only booked last night, so he could get his money back Id imagine)

One of my late and much lamented aged relatives used to say that she'd rather have a thief than a liar as you know where you are with a thief and you can take steps to lock your precious belongings away from their sticky mitts, and I'm of the same opinion.

If you're prepared to put up with never knowing whether he's being honest with you, fair enough - you're an adult and free to make that choice.

But you have a dd to consider and you should have shown him the door when he let her down and she missed out on her much-anticipated 'dominoes night' because any man who breaks a promise to a child is not one that should be around children.

You see him once a week, if that, and it will be 9 weeks before you see him again yet he's told you he 'hardly plays football or sees his mates now he's dating you'?

Instead of thinking 'maybe he wants a bit of space' I suggest you recognise this lying twat for what he is, which is a total waste of space who's using you for an occasional shag.

Unless you are shedding tears of relief that you've seen him for what he is before you get seriously hurt, this lying twat isn't worth crying over.

The moral of the story is that if you're going to date men who don't live within a convenient journey from your home, only date men who can drive.

He's a liar , plus do you really want someone so unreliable around your dd ?

Dump his ass

Seeing him in the bar when he'd said he was miles away did it for me. I know that feeling - sort of as if the ground's shifted under your feet. Then you spend the next however long thinking up excuses for him. Then you wait to see if he'll say anything - he doesn't; he lies again. Then you call him on it and he tells another lie, or fudges, or blames you. Yours did the full hat-trick!

So then you doubt yourself and wonder if you're being too demanding. Check how the ground feels under your emotional feet - still a bit quicksand, yes? That's what it feels like when you're being gaslighted.

It's all wrong. None of it is your fault. I'm sorry, as I'm sure he's a charmer but, as time goes on with him, you'll get used to never knowing what to believe and to doubting yourself. You'll be forever on quicksand, feeling anxious and mistrustful. It's too high a price. You deserve better.

Well done on spotting the problem! Your ex may have buggered up your boundaries somewhat, so I'm glad to see your radar's still working reasonably well after all :)

My XH started our relationship with a small lie and they got bigger and bigger. He started to believe his own lies in the end...

Another well done from me, I wish I'd questioned his lies earlier.

Two own goals is more than enough for him to get sent off but, as garlicbum has said, 'Yours did the full hat-trick'.

Can you confirm that you've relegated him to the bench of permanent has-beens that you no longer give a toss about?

I'd be worried at how easy the lies come tumbling out, and why he even feels the need to tell them. He also sounds quite manipulative, what with telling you that it's your fault he never gets to spend time with his friends etc. He was trying to put you on the back foot, there. Fortunately you are now seeing right through him.

You're doing the right thing by getting rid, he's not someone you'd ever be able to rely on as you'd always be wondering what was real and was was not.

Good luck, OP.

Chatting to him tonight after he finishes work. Alternative was by text during his work hours which somehow didnt seem right (not about what he deserves, but about my moral highground I guess!).

Told DD already and shes sad as she liked him too but understands grownups relations are complicated too. (she compared it to her classmate who is a compulsive liar)

My best friend (who has met him on several occasions) is a different matter and thinks he should have another chance. I just reckon he will work harder to conceal the lies then :(

(Izzyizin I didnt realise i said 9 weeks - was meant to be 9 days!)

Your DD is smart - congratulations! She's right: even if somebody has lots of likeable qualities, when you know they're untrustworthy you have to keep your distance for your own safety & sanity.

Obviously, you wouldn't want to be demonstrating to DD that it's a GOOD idea to let liars into your life and put up with them. So you've got two wise women to do the right thing for :)

Yes, we have chatted a lot about said child and I cant believe I didnt make the connection sooner. NOw I see it in that way Im like WTF am I still with him for?!

Lying's a bit a control thing, isn't it? If you lie, even just little ones, constantly, it means that other people never quite have the information and thus the control of truth around you (and maybe the fantasy goes that thus people don't have control of you - like the magical belief that if people don't know your real name, they can't perform magic upon you ...).

Your dd does sound smart. I used to have a friend who told hundreds of strange little lies. To this day, I don't know why she did it. Maybe it just made her feel she was more exciting than her boring reality, or something. She even seemed to believe them. It was unnerving in the end. I found myself colluding in not letting her trip herself up. Bizarre. Friendship couldn't last.

Well done you in spotting it so early on.

Those are not white lies.
A white lie would be complimenting your hair even though it's horrible.

You are doing well to drop him.
If he's like this now, imagine later.

Hope the chat goes well!

Give yourself the recognition you deserve for trusting your gut on this one and getting rid!