Ohhhh takeitaway ... It probably is the real reason behind it all. I have asked for advice on here about emotional abuse/narcissists/bullying basically and it always just turned into a "leave him NOW!" reply but I have never mentally reached that stage until now. I am still scared to leave though.
There have been various things over the years now and again and I seem to have memorised them like little video clips and now I have a good few but the ones that stick out the most are the very first time when we had been dating about 6 months and we were out with another couple (he worked with the guy) for a night out at Xmas. We were having a laugh and I accidentally split his pint down his shirt a little bit and he LOST it. At me though - he managed to do it right in my face without looking angry but he was raging at me like he snapped. He just lost it at me saying I was an f-ing idiot and did I think that was f-ng funny etc and this was 2 seconds after we were all just lauging and have a brilliant time. He turned to his mate smiling and went "Whoops! I must be worse than I though - I spilt my pint! Ha ha ha" and they went off to the bar together laughing and joking and he shot the dirtiest look over his other shoulder at me and then turned back to his mate laughing away. Neither of the other 2 noticed a thing. I burst into tears and when he came back from the bar he gave me a hug n was all nice like "What happened? What made you so upset?" and I was like YOU! Shouting at me! and when his mate asked what was up he said I was crying because it was Xmas and my Gran had died a few days before (which she had) but what a fast response and disrespectful to cover up what had actually happened. This made things awkward cos it is when someone has died so that was a perfect response for him since no one asked any further questions and he said "Just give her some space" so he could take me away and calm me down so I wouldn't tell them what happened. He said he lied about it to them as he didn't want to embarrass me cos I did a stupid thing and looked like an idiot so why would I want him to say anything and make me look like a further idiot. We had a massive fight and I stupidly went back to his as my stuff was there as we were meant to be staying with each other over Xmas and he begged me to give him another chance (one of many things he now completely denies) but I went home. He turned up at mine the next day and my flatmate let him in and he was sooooo charming I thought it was the drink that had made me overreact and he was super nice to me for a long time after that until the next incident.
It has been like that on and off since but calmed down a lot and now he is more covert about it.
I remember when we moved in together my Dad had kindly been helping us with stuff like letting in workmen, furniture deliveries etc and one night OH came in from work and my Dad was still here. I had put the security chain on the front door since Dad was in and out with stuff for us and OH tried to get in, nearly broke the chain ramming the door open and shut (you can CLEARLY see when the chain is on) just to let me know he was pissed off (but it looked like he was really going "Oh??? Why can't I get in???" to my Dad) and rather than wait for me to let him in he ran round to the back door, let himself in, gave me the blackest look right into my face went "What the f*ck is that chain on for? Can't even get into my OWN HOME" hissing at me and a big smile "ALl right mate!" and a handshake for my Dad. I was :o and said "Did you see that????" to my Dad. "See what?" - once again OH managed to be sooooo evil to me in front of someone without them even seeing it.
No one would EVER believe me if I told them half of this stuff. He is charm itself to 99% of people and sometimes if he is confronted about something he will cut the person off spectacularily with a couple of well chosen comments but no one seems to bat an eyelid. He does it with a big smile too. Everyone thinks I am so lucky to have him. Of course he can be amazing too otherwise I would likely have left and not been sucked into all of this but when things go wrong he is a big horrible tr0ll and when things are good he is really nice and I wonder why I am overreacting so much. My best friend tells me I should keep the txts I send her when things are bad so I can read them back and realise this is how I actually felt at that time rather than smooth things over and put onthe rose tinted specs.
There are numerous other things that have happened but he has been working on it so that he no longer appears to lose his temper and he NEVER shouts now - he LOVES to use this "But I am not shouting.... Why are you being so defensive - it's like you're walking on eggshells" because I told him before I didn't like him shouting at me, getting defensive and making me feel like I am walking on eggshells.
He will walk off when I am in the middle of talking to him but he holds court to tell a story even if I am changing the baby/washing the dishes/runnig bath for LO's and I am expected to drop everything and give him ALL my attention but not question or comment on anything he says. I have found myself fake laughing at jokes and agreeing with stupid things I defo DON'T agree with and it only became clear I was doing this when I was out with my best mate and SIL as they were like "What's so funny?" and they weren't laughing at stuff I was going "A HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAA!" at with this fake laugh that was so not me. They just looked at me like "Eh?" and then laughed at me in disbelief as if they were thinking "Who are you?!"
Anyway, I think that is enough before I OUT myself on here... More recent stuff is a lot less confrontational but when DS1 was born I had PND and never told him and had to sneak off to councelling saying I was going to the dentist to explain why I was crying (I am terrified of the dentist) when I came home. My Mum died and I was in a right mess. We ended up at a party and I just couldn't handle it and burst into tears. People were like "I totally understand - we didn't even really expect you to come" but OH bascially made it like I HAD to go (don't know why I didn't stand up for myself but was depressed) and when I left he walked me out to the car (he stayed to show face at the party) and he said to me "Well THAT was really embarrassing... This better be because your Mum died..." ie it better not be the PND and leaving newborn baby at home with his Mum for the first time as I would not be allowed to be upset over that... What a big shit.
THAT kind of thing is why I can't sit and look at old photos of us together just now cos all I am remembering is "Oh yeh, and not long after that amazing night out and romantic meal he turned round and called me a neurotic bitch who x,y,z"
Sorry for massive post.
Can of worms well and truly opened...
I better not tell any other stories or it will be super obvious who I am :( Not that it matters cos it's all true!
(if I suddenly cut off the message it's because he has appeared home from work - he NEVER EVER tells me when he will be home from ANYTHING)