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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

If your best friend was moving away, how would you prefer to be told?

33 replies

Kalypso · 12/06/2012 22:44

I have a very close and very lovely best friend. She was bridesmaid at my wedding and is the godmother to my toddler. We live in the same city and see each other really often. She's had an absolutely awful year: her relationship with her immediate family has all but broken down, she's struggling to get her career off the ground, doesn't have a great deal of money and her living situation is not great either. To top it all off, on a romantic level, it's gone badly wrong not just once, but twice, over the past year. We've got even closer during this time as she has desperately needed a shoulder to cry on (and despite all this, to her credit, she has remained a shoulder for me as well, although luckily I haven't needed it much).

She does have several other close friends, but I know I am her closest friend (and vice versa). She is also very close to my toddler, who loves her and pretty much considers her third best after mummy and daddy.

DH has got a job (promotion) in Reading. My best friend has no idea we were looking elsewhere - we didn't say anything because we didn't want her to worry for nothing that we might move, particularly as things have been so rough for her lately. She didn't need any added stress. The move is mainly great news for us, as it hopefully means we can get on the property ladder, get a bigger house with a garden, and best of all, be close to my sister and her children. Obviously I will badly miss seeing my friend so often.

The move will be bad news from her perspective: even when we go on holiday she says she misses us badly (and I miss her!). Reading isn't far from London, but it's still not a journey that can be made so easily, and it's a lot more expensive.

I'm trying to work out how to break the news to her. It's really worrying me. I want to tell her in person, but how difficult will this be for her, as I know she will feel she has to put on an act of being happy for us - in fact she will be, but she will be feeling very sad too.

If you were my friend, would you prefer to be told something like this in a letter/long email the night before meeting up, so as to be prepared, and then be able to talk about it all the next day? I'm just trying to imagine dropping the bombshell while my toddler is dragging at her leg begging for a story/cuddle etc!

I know I am probably overthinking this, but the thought of telling her the news is really upsetting me. I know this will just be another thing to add to her bad year.

OP posts:
PinkChampagneandStrawberries · 12/06/2012 22:47

I would just tell her face to face and the sooner the better

yellowraincoat · 12/06/2012 22:50

Is she in London? Because it's very easy (if not 100% cheap) to get to Reading from London as it's such a massive commuter route.

I would tell her as soon as possible. She'll be upset but it has to be done.

doggiemumma · 12/06/2012 22:50

please don't tell her by letter if you feel she is going to be upset by it. No no no. But you could write the letter and then read it out to her. She sounds great and a really good friend. She may well be pleased for you both, of course sad that you are moving away, but excited for you. Make it clear she will always be welcome to come and stay etc.

1andAhalfWines · 12/06/2012 22:53

I would do it face to face, you can get the tone soooo wrong in and email. ASAP. She may not thank you for witholding thus far.

Congrats on promo and house move!

squeakytoy · 12/06/2012 22:53

reading to london is really easy and quick to get to and from :)

ladymariner · 12/06/2012 22:57

I would absolutely hate to be told by letter, I think you have to do it face to face. It's going to be horrible, but at least you'll be there for her x

wild · 12/06/2012 22:57

In person
My bf went to New Zealand (sob)
We email and stuff, and meet when she's in UK. I have other friends but she will always be top rank!

PissyDust · 12/06/2012 23:01

I moved away from a great friend and told her as soon as it started to happen and she was very happy for me.

We don't see each other as much but we phone every day, fb, skpe thingy.

The relationship is still the same.

Springforward · 12/06/2012 23:19

In person, definitely.

Belleflowers · 12/06/2012 23:22

in person

then present her with a return ticket or voucher for train travel if they exist or sthing so she can get to see you soon

you sound like a lovely friend, I felt a bit sad to read you were leaving, but I just need to get off MN and get to sleep

ImperialBlether · 12/06/2012 23:42

Just looked it up online - it takes 24 minutes but costs £39 for a day return! Why is that? I know people commute from Reading to London - why is it so expensive?

bogeyface · 12/06/2012 23:51

Because its a commuter route, they dont miss a trick Hmm

Kalypso · 13/06/2012 07:42

Okay, thanks. I knew it was best to do it in person, and in fact I'd rather tell her in person too. I just don't want her to feel she has to hide her immediate reaction so as to try to be happy for me and DH.

ImperialBlether: I know. It's awful. It's such a short journey. The Guardian rated it Britain's worst train service about 18 months ago. I doubt much has changed. So I can't reassure her that it's a cheap journey.

We are trying to get a place with an extra room so she can come and stay a lot. We can't Skype because her laptop is ancient and barely works anymore :(

I think Facebook is going to be what we rely on most. Another friend of mine uses Twitter to update her close friends/family regularly. Maybe I could think about that too, as presumably that way I won't be irritating everybody else on my Facebook with constant updates (is there any way to make it so only people you've invited can view your Twitter? I'm afraid I'm a Twitter ignoramus)

I am staying with my parents on the other side of the country at the moment - we found out just as I got here - so there has been no opportunity to tell her in person. I am travelling back today and will see her Friday. I will tell her then.

OP posts:
oldwomaninashoe · 13/06/2012 08:40

Kalypso, the coach from Victoria is very cheap, and an off-peak train ticket booked in advance will be a lot cheaper!

PinkChampagneandStrawberries · 13/06/2012 09:59

Yes you can make twitter private for only your followers to see Smile

Mumsyblouse · 13/06/2012 10:14

Megabus is great, you can get a one way ticket from Reading to London for £7-£9, so less than £20 return.

I think Reading to London is pretty close, it's not like you are leaving the country. I think you are working yourself up over this, but be honest, if she got a new promotion in another city, she'd be off herself and rightly so. I wouldn't be too defensive or apologetic about it, just say your husband is looking for jobs and that means you are moving away, be a bit sad, say you'll massively miss seeing her so often, but you want to remain really close.

It's hard when life moves on but it is inevitable, I'm afraid. If she's a good friend, she'll be a bit disappointed but really pleased for you. I wouldn't necessarily tell her face to face, I think if you phone a lot, why not tell her over the phone so she can absorb the message, compose herself and you can talk about the future.

But don't make this a bigger deal than it needs to be.

StiffyByng · 13/06/2012 10:18

This might be a silly question but would she consider relocating with you? It doesn't sound like her life is going brilliantly right now. Maybe a new start in a different place is what she needs?

imnotmymum · 13/06/2012 10:21

If she really is your bestest friend she will be upset of course but happy for you and it really not that far. Also with Skype/facetime etc always easy to keep in touch. That said agreeing with StiffyByng I relocated 400 mile away and my Best friend promptly joined us !!

DowagersHump · 13/06/2012 10:27

The fast train is expensive but the slow train from Waterloo (takes 1 hour) is a lot cheaper.

You sound like a lovely friend but sometimes it's quite nice when your friend moves away because it means you spend longer with one another when you do get together. My friend and I go away together every year for a few days - could you suggest something like that?

Mumsyblouse · 13/06/2012 10:36

Dowagershump, I've also used that slower train and it is cheaper and less busy. So, there's no reason at all for you not to have girly weekends/family time together really, if she's very hard up, I used to go halves with friends when getting together when we were young and poor, or pay in turns, so it doesn't become one person having to count the pennies to see if they can visit.

aliportico · 13/06/2012 10:36

39 quid is the peak price, off peak is less than half that (and the same whether you go from Paddington or Waterloo). Still not great, but you will no doubt enjoy the excuse to go to London as well :-) I live in Reading and the kids and I go to London once or twice a month, it's hardly an epic journey.

kf1979 · 13/06/2012 14:34

I moved from London to China although funnily enough used to live in Reading!
I worried myself sick about telling my bf as we are v close and saw each other min 3-4 times a week.
She was thrilled for me as she's lovely and I'm sure your friend will be too, plus proper catch ups over Skype / fb are ok. Also we use photobucket to create online photo albums of the kids to share. Could this work for you?

Shmumty · 13/06/2012 14:48

She will be fine. You are best friends but you are not joined at the hip!

yellowraincoat · 13/06/2012 14:51

You can go to Reading on the bus as well, if you book in advance it's only about £12 return.

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips · 13/06/2012 15:02

My best friend moved to NYC in February and when he told me he was going (whilst being a little sad) I couldn't have been more thrilled for him. Because he deserved the promotion and I knew that it was the right thing for him (also...I get to visit!).

I don't want to belittle your situation, or how your friend will feel, but London to Reading is a very short and do-able, regular trip! Your worry about how she will take it seems to be blowing this a little out of propoertion.

Tell her face to face. She sounds like a lovely person and I'm sure she will be very happy for you.