Bf keeps messaging STBXW on Whatsapp?

[squittypolitti]

My bf is always messaging his STBXW on Whatsapp - he says its about the children but he has several contacts a day on this including early morning and late at night , past midnight sometimes . This is on days when he both does and doesnt have the children. He also makes out that he is single to her as he ' doesn't want any issues' re: divorce - I only contact my XH for vital arrrangements or health details re the dc or to speak to them when he has his time with them so to me this seems an abnormal level of messaging and also the fact that he continues to lie about his relationship status is a bit suspect - AIBU ?

Get the phone :)

get the phone, read the messages.

If he's texting her early in the morning and late at night, and doesnt want her to know about you, it doesn't bode well for your relationship with him, honey.

How long have you been with him and how soon is she to be his 'ex' wife?

Need more info maybe, he might just not want to rock the boat with her and keep things smooth, equally, he might not be completely over her?

Hi Izzy been with him for 8 months , he separated year and a half ago. they are about half way thru divorce proceedings - its filed in court . He says hes trying to keep things amicable !

It could be plausible if he thinks that she will genuinely kick off if she finds out he has moved on. Who left whom and why?

thanks bogeyface - thats what i was wondering if it is just that and i should stop stressing !

But....the only way to be sure is to check the phone, sorry!

i did check it a couple of weeks ago and it was really mundane messaging re the children so tend to beleive but just feeling abit paranoid , I'll check again when i can get at it :)

I wouldn't be wasting my time so soon in tbh. Either way it's a mess.

Can you not speak to him about it, does he know how you feel?

I would expect my BF to trust me enough or talk to me, not to steal my phone to check up on me.

Who does he live with and what has he told you about the break up?

he lives in a flat I stay there sometimes , sometimes he stays at mine .

He told me that they never got on in their marriage , it was a mistake marrying her and were fighting all the time . He is a constant ' messenger' he messages me all the time too when i am not there , maybe it's just his way . i might encourage him just to pick up the phone instead and say what he needs to then instead of sily little messages then i may be less stressed about it !!!

it has only been 8 months. I would speak to him and tell him how it is making you feel.

You have an XH and children yourself so it's not like you don't have some understanding of setting boundaries.

Sometimes when I ring ex about the kids or vice versa, he can go on for AGGGGGES, to the point where I kind of zone out! There is absolutely nothing between us, but I wonder what his GF (of about 2 months) would make of it if she saw hour long conversations between us when he is at work. I think he mainly does it because he drives long distances and doesnt realise how long he has been going on for! Luckily we get on ok, in the main, but sometimes as I say it does get on my wick a bit.

Oh and during the world cup we texted loads as we both watch the England matches and my husband isnt into football and he didnt have a GF at the time.

Given how complicated the whole divorce process is I can believe he needs to contact her fairly regularly. It is expensive to put every tiny detail through the lawyers. Child care arrangements also require contact.

I'd be worried if he was round there every other day for dinner, but not about the messages.

Surely if they aren't divorced yet then if they wanted to get back together they just would? Worrying that he's having an affair with his wife sounds nuts. If he wanted to get back together with her and she felt the same way as it sounds like mutual texting he'd just tell you and wave goodbye. I'm not understanding why you'd think he'd lie about this.
I think if you are this suspicious you should drop the relationship until he's divorced as you don't trust him.

I admit I did think when I read your op but thinking on it and reading on I think at 8 months in and with his divorce where it is I think the very best thing you could do is be honest before looking at phones, email etc (vs my prev advice which was confirm fears then confront).

Really if at this point his actions are making you feel like this the very best thing must be to talk about it surely? Be open and tell him when you do x it makes me feel y, his reaction should be reassurance and explanation, even if he is a bit shell shocked or upset; if not that speaks volumes too.
I don't see that you can go forward trustingly and honestly if you feel as if you have to sneak about invading his trust and privacy to feel better. Being sneaked on would be a dealbreaker for me, I would feel violated and hurt and would not trust or respect the other person - if this is how he feels it's all to shit over, quite possibly, nothing.
Have you an ex partner with form? Is this worrying you for other reasons not stated?