How do I improve things with MIL?

[APipkinOfPepper]

To give some background, we see MIL and her DH about once every 3 weeks, she lives 1hr 30mins drive away (pre DS we saw her once every few months), we generally go to them rather than them visiting us. Most visits DH has a disagreement or argument with his mum - I'm not from a family who does arguing so frequently, and when we first got together it used to freak me out a bit, then I got more used to it (and it was even sometimes amusing when it was something v silly and they were both just being stubborn). However, since having DS they have been about more serious stuff - ranging from MIL not telling us she was going into hospital (admittedly for a fairly minor operation) to criticism of DH's parenting (eg implying that DS bites his fingernails because DH shouts at him). I am often not in the room when these arguments occur, but often they seem to me to be 50/50 blame wise, with MIL saying something thoughtless that I'm sure she doesn't really mean, and DH quick to take offence.

To get to the point of the post, a few weeks ago it was DS birthday,we didn't have a party just got both sets of grandparents over at the weekend for lunch & cake at our house. I walked in on DH and MIL talking - she said that she didn't have much of a relationship with DS, she didn't get to see him on her own without us, that she felt that we'd been keeping DS from her, and that it was too late to change things now he was off to school but that maybe things could be different with the new baby (I'm pregnant). I was upset, and said that we'd never keep DS from her, if she wanted to take him somewhere she only had to ask - but that as both I and DH work, weekends were family time for us to spend with DS too, and that we visited so we could see her as well, not just for DS. DH pointed out that there would still be plenty of opportunity to see DS once he was at school with all then holidays.

I am aware that she has said that she would like to see more of DS (in general terms) to DH before, but given the distance and the fact she works, we haven't actively tried to do more. But after hearing those things directly from her, I feel pretty upset. And DS loves going to see her! I have tried to talk to DH, but he says it's just what she's like and we should just carry on doing what we think is best for our family. But I've been dwelling on it, I can't just forget it, and wondered if anyone had any advice?

I've met a few families that do this - usually really big ones where everyone is vying for attention. I'm never sure if they enjoy the yelling or if it's just a bad habit they've all fallen into down the years in an effort to get noticed in a crowd. It's alarming if your family is OK with the concept of talking rather than shouting, I agree. The remark about your DS was MIL poking DH to get the usual reaction. I doubt she even realises she's doing it any more.

What do you do about it? Get in between and get assertive rather than upset. That kind of person doesn't relate to other people's 'feelings'... they need straightening out and in short order. DH's 'that's just what she's like' comment means he isn't going to do anything about it. Find your inner lioness and give the silly woman a few roars. Your house, your family, your rules.

Thanks for the advice! I suspect, though, that if I was more assertive, MIL might get upset - I did think early on that they were just more blunt/ direct than I was used to, but when I attempted to "join in" as it were, I seemed to just hurt her feelings. Not a big family by the way - DH is an only.

That's significant. An argumentative family tends to enjoy a new member joining in. If it's just MIL causing friction then it's either attention-seeking behaviour or she's bored and likes to shit-stir. Nevertheless, you have to be assertive - especially where your children are concerned and absolutely in your own home. She won't like it I guarantee but, if you carry on saying nothing, it'll escalate.

an hour and a half is not far away, would it not be possible to drop him off there on a saturday morning and pick him up (or have them bring him back) the next day..

It is also nice for a couple to have a childfree day/night too and your son can have great memories of staying with his grandparents as an adventure.

Yes, I think we'll have to try dropping him off there - we've suggested it in the past but they haven't seemed that keen, so I wasn't aware it was an issue. Wouldn't be able to do overnight as MIL only gets one day off work at the weekend, and in any case DS (still!) doesn't reliably sleep through the night. But maybe we'll just have to tell her she's having DS on such and such a day, as I'm not sure she's going to ask.

Thank you both of you for your thoughts.

Nearly at school? well she can have him for a weeks half term that should give her some 'bonding' time.

Don´t feel bad-she should have said something before now.

And if she works-when are supposed to see her?

I didn´t work & neither did my ILs-& guess what-they didn´t want to visit in the week & see their only GC for a day only see their son for an hr after work.

So it was one in three weekends for them as husband felt that was all he wanted to do.

I wouldn´t leave him overnight just to appease her though.