Love DH dearly but he is like a brother to, me not a husband...

[NeedingQuiche]

Just wrote a long and heartfelt post and lost it all :(

I've been in a relationship with DH for over 15 years now and married for 8 with two wonderful DC's. On the face of it we have a lovely life. I can totally trust DH and our marriage gives me so much security.

Our relationship was never easy. The early years were really hard. I was young but commited 100%. He was less keen. I felt I had to constantly prove myself to him. We had a real bond but this wasn't primarily based on sexual attraction, more from a feeling that we had never really fitted in in life, but together it all made sense. We have always had shared values and beliefs too which is so important in a long term relationship. We have also encountered more than our fair share of lifes challenges over recent years, health problems, bereavement, depression etc so it has continued to put a strain on our relationship but we have both kept working at it.

Our biggest challenge has been that we have very different needs and interests in our lives as individuals and consequently from our relationship. We've had to constantly work at our awareness of where the other person is coming from and finding compromises. We have had a lot of couples counselling which has helped to some extent, and I have also had individual counselling which has been amazing in helping me to finally descover some self confidence and a greater self esteem.

I think this is partly why I am now so confused. I am finding myself question so much about our entire relationship. So many questions. Why did I let myself fight so hard in the early years and cry so many tears? Until recently, why have I always felt the need to prove myself to him? I know that he loves me, but he has huge personal space issues which can make phyical closeness a problem at times and in the past, due to depression I had next to no interest in sex. The end result is that we are now living like brother and sister. I love him dearly and it would break my heart to hurt him by leaving and to part him from his children, but I feel like I'm completely suffocating in a marriage where there is no fun, laughter or intimacy. And I really mean nothing. We never kiss, touch, hug and we sleep in separate rooms.

What is scaring me is that I am finding myself 'noticing' other men. I'm watching my friends with their DH's and longing for some closeness also. I've not slipped into the dangerous world of emotional or physical affairs, but I have been tempted. I just don't know what to do any more. Or if i'm just being a spoilt child and should accept that to some extent this is normal in very long term relationships (although I suspect it's not) We have talked a little about things, but what I've not said to DH is that for the first time ever I don't feel like I want to try any more. I'm so tired of constantly having to work at it. I'm literally longing for some closeness and intimacy in my life, but for the first time ever if I'm being really truely honest, the thought of having that with DH feels weird and somewhat uncomfortable.

Wow, that was hard to type...

So sad and confused :(

It's really not confusing at all. You were incompatible from the start but, for reasons of insecurity (?), not wanting to be alone (?), wanting to belong (?), wanting wife and mother status (?), you selected your husband and chose to ignore that incompatibility. Not sure why he went along with it if he's as reluctant as you make it sound.

I think the self-esteem and confidence you have discovered is at the root of your change of heart. Being happier in your skin you realise that you don't need him to provide the things that matter to you the way you did in the past. You can provide them for yourself. I think the sexual urge is also quite natural. Maybe in the past you didn't think anyone else would find you attractive? Perhaps sex scared you a little? Woman cannot live on 'shared beliefs and values' alone.... we all need a good bunk-up from time to time.

It is not 'spoilt' to realise you've made a mistake and don't want to try any more. Long-term relationships do not inevitably turn celibate and miserable. Your children won't suffer if you stay amicable but you will suffer if you get to your death-bed regretting never having experienced real closeness with another human being.

As Cogito says, plus you were young when you got together, you're both bound to change and not necessarily in the same direction.

i don't want this to come out as harsh or anything, but things are very wrong when you're sleeping in different rooms all the time.
sure, occasionally because you have a bad back, or you've argued and gone off in a huff, or he snores, or you've been out on the town.... yeah of course that's understandable every once in a while... but it is not 'normal' (whatever that means) to live like that all the time -- and without intimacy it's not an intimate relationship. you sound like you want that?

you need to confront this before another 15yrs passes you by.

If you decide that you want a different future, try to avoid an "exit affair".

Thank you for your replies. Cogito i think you've basically hit the nail on the head with everything you've said. We can be and are, a really good team as parents and friends and have tried so hard to make it work, but the chemistry has just never been there.
I remember an experience in the early months when he got really emotional mid dtd as he said it didn't feel right. I wish I had had the courage and self respect to walk away at that point but I clung on and I think for him, I made sense as a sensible option as a wife, mother and friend. Now I feel so so guilty that I pushed for all of this and now I've got it I'm having doubts.

Crestico "you need to confront this before another 15yrs passes you by" That is so true and has made me really sad. If I live to be the same age as my dear Mum, I only have 20 ish years left Thats a huge influence right now. I just don't want to get it wrong as its not all bad between us and what if the grass really isn't greener? I know with DH that if I left he would be immeasurably hurt and that there would never ever be any going back.

I don't want to do the whole exit affair thing and I won't. The feelings of temptation are hard enough to live with.

I'm trying to hold onto the thought that what is right will become clear in time and while I'm 'sitting on the fence' I should just 'watch the view' for a while.