How do I help DD? I think she is becoming bulimic....

[NigellasGuest]

She's 15 yrs and half way through GCSE's (year 10). She has had eating problems for a long time, basically is very very "fussy" and can't bear to eat certain foods. We went to a hypnotherapist to help broaden her diet - it transpired that this started as a sub-conscious control thing when her younger sister was born (DD1 was 20 months when DD2 was born and it did start around then). But other than that, hypnotherapy didn't help with the eating.

She has always had a very sweet tooth, which we could control when she was younger, but since being at secondary school she has more freedom and has been able to get to shops and purchase loads of junk to binge on when she feels like it. Junk being crisps, cheap fizzy drinks, sweets, chocolate, general crap. She hides it in her room. If we have sweet stuff in the house she finds it and eats it - she even opened an unopened box of chocolates DH had bought me for Valentines and started them! And will think nothing of attacking other DD's Easter Eggs or any other stuff that's ever around.... we now have to hide stuff away and I even bought DD2 a lockable metal petty cash box to keep her sweets in (DD2 makes them last and has a good attitude to food).

yesterday she was in trouble at school and therefore with me as well, and as a result bought a load of garbage food and ate it, went to bed and slept from about 5pm - 8pm, woke up, obviously couldn't go back to sleep at normal bed time so was apparently awake all night. In the night, although she didn't actually throw up, she tells me she was retching and when I asked whether it was because of the junk food she said yes it was, and that when she gets angry she has to eat that stuff.

I will stop now but thanks for reading all this and if anyone has the faintest idea of how I can help her please reply!

Emotionally, she might be using the food as a way to squash down 'unacceptable' feelings. If she's been doing this for a long time it will take a bit of time and help for her to get used to recognising her feelings and then finding a way to deal with them.

Physically, it might help to stabilise her blood sugar, which would help with the sweetness cravings. This would mean regular meals with protein in them, but if her eating's chaotic this will be scary for her and will again need time and help.

So sorry to hear this. I'll be interested to read what advice others give as used to struggle like this as a child/teen and it was hard to get through it. The above is just what I've worked out myself.

have a look here for family advice and an active forum - its american but still packed with useful info.

I've recovered from an eating disorder and at risk of over simplifying things, I would suggest that you could start with building up her self esteem. Drivers of ED actions are often emotions like guilt, shame, anger, fear etc. If you can counter that by a lot of positive reinforcement about how great your DD is (actually demonstrating it is important though - ie, if she likes drama, giving her time to go to a theatre group and praising her participation, or writing, or art work, or getting into climbing or sailing or something...) and listen out for the areas where she is intensely self-critical. Is is school? Her body? Her friends? don't focus on the issue per se, but actively counter her negative self-beliefs if you can. EG if she is angry at being crap on a mock exam, remind her how fab she did at something else, while acknowledging her feelings at the same time... sorry if that's a bit rambly! hope it makes sense

bump for you... Sorry I have no advice.

Agree with chocoraisin

Had an eating disorder when younger & for me it was all rooted in self-esteem issues.

Im not sure what to suggest but locking up others chocolate seems a bit OTT (unless its something you've talked about with her & agreed that it would be helpful for her).

Do you think she would see a counsellor? Think I'd have responded well if I thought my parents noticed enough that I was unhappy (which is usually what binging/purging is about). Maybe asking at GP what would be available.

Is she stressed about exams/friends/boyfriends?, IME/IMO its usually about something else not really about food.

Thank you all for your replies which i have read through carefully...

I'm going to annoy you all by saying that she is incredibly anti- any kind of talking therapy. She has had counselling at school in the past and hated it .... As mentioned in my OP, I suggested hypno-therapy (this was about 18 months ago I think) and she agreed to try that, purely out of curiosity I think (she imagined someone saying "look into my eyes" and all that baloney). She found hypnotherapy useful for food issues up to a point, but when it started branching out into more searching issues and became slightly more like counselling, she ran a mile. (up to then, it had been very specific and just giving her techniques for trying new foods without feeling ill).

I would love to be able to stabilise her eating as suggested above, and try and work on the cravings, but she is not in the right place to cooperate with that. I agree it is self-esteem. She had self-esteem issues in the past - they were about her looks. (needless to say, she is beautiful ). She could be stressed about exams and her chaotic bedroom and lack of organisation are not helping there. Hobby-wise, she doesn't have any, despite countless efforts to encourage her. She reads a lot. She is fairly sociable and enjoys going to the shops/cinema with friends, both girls and boys, but I can't raise her self-esteem by telling her she's really good at shopping etc!
What she is, is an intelligent, funny, imaginative, witty and beautiful 15 year old. I will have to keep reminding her of that I guess. Trouble is, when I say stuff like that, she seems unable to bear it/gets embarrassed...

I don't have much experience with eating disorders but I do have a tendency to comfort eat when I am down. Does she want to try and change this habit of eating junk when she is experiencing negative emotions? Does she admit that is what she does? If so, how about trying to get her to recognise when she is about to go on a binge and turn instead to a list of strategies to get her through the craving? Eg have a bubble bath, go for a walk, buy her favourite magazine and read it, phone a friend for a chat etc etc.

I notice the phrase in your OP 'yesterday she was in trouble at school and therefore with me as well'. If whatever she did at school was appropriately dealt with at school, why not keep it there and just say 'you know what you did was wrong, let's say no more about it' so that she thinks of home as a safe haven rather than an extension of school. This is part of the self-esteem issue too.

I think she's the one who needs to be in control but with you there saying you love her.

unable to bear it doesn't mean she doesn't like hearing it :) and counselling isn't all it's cracked up to be tbh, unless you actively seek it out yourself and really want to be going. If it's forced on you it's bloody wearing so I don't blame her for not liking the idea.

Some things to look out for btw, are her internet usage (sadly pro-ED sites are incredibly prevalent, many posters on those forums are internet savvy 13-17 year olds). She may be finding a sense of 'belonging' in negative ways from stuff like that, I don't know. Obviously some EDs happen in isolation but many more grow out of feeling like an outsider (normal teen stuff) and then keying into youtube or online communities that reinforce negative identities (not normal teen stuff).

I really should stress though that the food is a symptom of what's going on with your DD, it's not the problem. Focusing on her diet, her binges etc is going to reinforce not help her deal with the foody bit. I know teens are bloody hard work but have you done any mum+dd stuff lately? Taking her to a photo shoot/makeover day, and buying her a pic of herself afterwards would really reinforce that you think she is gorgeous! That you're proud of her, and she's important to you in terms of time etc. If she's a girly girl and likes shopping etc rather than sport, then maybe having a monthly 'date' with her where just the two of you go for coffee and a mani/pedi might open up space for her to come to you and talk about her real stuff (not her food stuff - the things that are triggering the binges).

The thing is, she needs a safe space. And you sound lovely. I think you'd do much better with her yourself rather than using a counsellor to unearth the issues, but don't be surprised if she poo-poos ideas like this for a fair old while. It can take time to break down a wall of 'I'm not worthy' feelings, she might need you to book something and take her 3, 4, 5 times before she realises it's not going to be a one off thing and actually this is time with you that she can trust and rely on. My apologies if you do stuff like this with her already - I certainly don't mean to suggest any of this is your fault for not hanging out with her enough, it's absolutely not!! She's just learned some maladaptive behaviours over a really long time. Nothing you could have done would have stopped her getting to where she is. I just remember feeling a lot like 'resources' were thrown at me (ED clinics, counsellors etc) but what I wanted and needed was to feel wanted, and needed IYSWIM, not because I had an 'issue', but because I was fun and interesting to the people I looked up to, all by myself.

Also, I suggest mani/pedi because, all kidding aside, nobody has fat fingernails :) and it's a small way of helping her celebrate her body and beauty without any chance of it being a flash point for body loathing.

You sound like a fab mum, I hope she eases up on herself soon and you all feel much better x

thank you all, I have had a good old read of the posts.
chocoraisin thank you especially - I felt quite emotional reading your post.
I am convinced her home is a safe space and it has got a little better today.

I think I was really really down about it yesterday. Feeling more positive now - I really need to bear in mind that everyone is an individual. For example, at her age I would have jumped at any counselling.(none was on offer in the olden days)! However, she seems to run a mile from the suggestion!

I'm going to give it another go with the mum and DD activities stuff - she is never keen on all that, but I will try it "softly softly." Managed to have a sort of chat with her in the car this morning (she missed the school bus) - no real progress except that she kind of acknowledged a problem (sort of) but insists she doesnt want to change because she LIKES that kind of food! (I'm sure she does want to change but it's a control issue isn't it - you are absolutely right sirEdmund). And yes I need to back off a bit with the focus on food and put the emphasis on something else. (I know if I suggest mum & daughter manicure she will ask for the money to go on her own rather than me).

sparky just quickly to say, yes i agree locking away sweets is totally OTT but there's another DD in the equation, who feels completely affronted every time her stuff is stolen - often little sweeties given by friends etc., that she enjoys in a sensible way - so that was an attempt on my part to give her some control too! She has tried hiding her stuff all over the house but DD1 sniffs it out and demolishes it whenever she feels the urge.

There is a 3rd DD but that's another story. Half of this problem is the family dynamics, TBH. If I had only DD1 to focus on perhaps it would be a different story. Still, that's life!

I could see my daughter was developing a really bad attitude towards her body and with depression. As she was only 13 I was told the local gyms wouldn't take her. I bought her a treadmill and she pounded the life out of it for an hour or 1.5 hours a day.

Her body shape changed - she lost weight (not rapidly but over the months) and she seemed to find it therapeutic for getting everything out of her system. She'd put her headphones on (she loved music) and run every night. You do have to have somewhere to put it though - I have a small bedroom that's free, so it was okay - others put it in a garage, but I think that's less welcoming.

Alternatively, what if she joined a gym or a running club? It would be good for her to make friends with people outside of school.

The other thing is you say she loves reading. What about writing? Would she keep a diary? Again my daughter would write for hours in her diary and I think that helped her, too.

can I also suggest that you read [[http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B003IR5KW0/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_2/280-0384840-3566067?pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe&pf_rd_r=172R0EQ4EWNQH9EZEK9Y&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_p=103612307&pf_rd_i=0802403476 5 love languages of teenagers) this has grow from a book for couples that focuses on how people give and receive love. If you are the kind of person who says your love but she mostly needs gifts or time then there may be a mis-match. No-one's fault but knowing what she needs might help. I have found it very helpful with my children who all need to "feel the love" in different ways...now at least I know where to put my energies!!

Also noticed your posting name...is food very important in your house? If so you might need to rethink it's presentation and position in your family times if it is a stressful thing for her.

best wishes xxfool

5 love languages of teenagers sorry missed link.

Everything Frillary said, anything you can do to help improve her life-coping skills will reduce her dependence on any kid of compulsive behaviour.
Could talk to BEAT (eating disorders group, too).

That said, it is normal for teens to binge on junk food :). You can't tackle it directly. Boost her self-esteem & confidence in other ways & she won't want to overdo it (or not so often, anyway).

Have ordered that book, Fool.
and I've taken on board not to focus on food with her - just the talking and quality time etc. I'm wondering if it's been hormone related too - DD now has TOM. Thanks all.

Growing up I was anorexic and my sister was bulimic, we never knew about each other until we were much older.

I also have a number of friends who are either recovered or in recovery from either of these.

In almost all our cases, it's a control thing, we're all relatively smart, not hideous, but food was one area in our lives where we could have absolute control, most of us started our eating disorders when we started changing for children into women, and I think it's a time we all feel like we have no control over what is happening to our bodies, and particularly in my case I felt I could halt the process of the change by not eating anything.

Not sure if this helps, but if you ever want to chat about it - feel free to PM me.