***** Lemonstartree I need your advice please*****

[Lasvegas]

Hi Lemonstartree

I saw on another thread that your DH adopted your eldest child. I recently married my 2nd DH and he is going to adopt DD whose biological father was my 1st husband. Do you have any advice on the process? Did you use a solicitor? Did biological father agree to the adoption? I am in process of arranging a social services home visit.

Hi LV,

My eldest sons' biological father has never seen him and was not named on his birth certificate. After I married my DH we applied to adopt ds1. Even though he is biologically my child we had to adopt him together so on his 'new ' birth certificate I appear as his adoptive mother. We kept a copy of the original so he can see I am also his birth mother!

we were not allowed to apply to adopt until we had been married for a year. Then we applied to social services, were allocated a social worker and the reports began! She came 5-6 times to meet us, talked to family, and compiled a detailed report about us; we both had to have CRB checks. DS1 biological father was asked for his consent (by SS) and he gave it. Had he not, we would have had to proove that it was in Ds's best interests for us to adopt him. If your first husband is named as dds father and has parental responsibilty you may 'only' be recommedned to apply for residence...

Anywy after the social workers report was complete we went to court - bit of a foregone conclusion at that time, but the adoption is then granted. The whole procedure took about 9 months (and ours was very simple)

Good Luck!

Do you think your exH will agree ?

lemonstartree thanks for reply I have been hoping to meet somone who has gone through step parent adoption.

DD biological father is named on her birth certificate. Bio father saw DD a few times up till she was 5 months old, she is now three years. The only Daddy she has known is her Step Father. My X was difficult on the divorce (even thought he left me for someone else) so I don't know if he will give his consent. I have not had any dealings with him since our joint house was sold several years ago.

Was assuming that court will decide it is in DD best interests to be adopted given bio father is a father in name only. These are the reasons I would give to court. I want DD to have passport in same name as her parents and her siblings. If I die then DH has no automtic right to continue providing a home for DD. I recently had to consent to emergency operation for DD and what if I couldn't be reached then DH legally cannot consent as not next of kin. Bio father was abusive to me during PG and under care of pyschiatrist. Is this the kind of thing to tell SS?

We won't be married for a year until Dec 06 but live in London where social services are V busy so thought I would start ball rolling now.

Did you use a solicitor or did SS advice you? I am amazed that SS visited 5 times, I had thought it was a rubber stamping thing. Seems such a waste if SS time to approve what is the status quo.

We also live in london and social services wouldn't even put us on the list until we had been married a year. I think they take adoption very very seriously as effectively your daughter and her bio father are renouncing any ties to each other. If he consents I don't think there wll be too much trouble although your dh will be put under the same scrutiny that any adoptive parent is subject too ( and so will you be up to a point! ) If he does not consent The court MAY decide that it is in DDs best interest for you and dh to be given a residence order which in effect gives him parental responsibility.
We did not use a solicitor as ds's biological father agreed to his adoption. I think if your xh does not consent you may need to.

SS will ask you all sorts of questions about your background and alot about your relationship with dd's bio father. probably bets to be honest and upfront about it!

Good luck and do let me know if I can help any more.

This is very interesting as I am hoping my dp will adopt my 2 dds one day. We aren't married yet but I am sure we will be one day. My exp is on the birth certificate but does not have parental responsibility and hasn't seen them for 5 years since they were 3 and 1. But whether he would agree I don't know. I thought it would be easy but obviously not totally straight forward then! Might still go for it in a couple of years though if dp agrees and my dds want it.

Good luck with it LV!

PS Lasvegas - you can change her name by deed poll if you wish - to the same surname - but you probably need other parents consent.....

Listmaker - I have heard hearsay that bio fathers sometimes try to get back in touch when approached to 'give up their child' almost as though it is a reminder that they have a child. It makes me so angry that a man can impregnate someone then choose whether or not to get involved, then years later decide that they now want to see their kid.

I am taking a gamble on whether or not to 'inflame' my XH. But I have heard that my XH has had another bio child with the woman he left me for, so am banking on fact the other woman will 'encourage' XH to agree to adoption, she won't want any competition for her child in my view.

Lemonstartree - were you intimidated by SS? I have never had any dealings with them. Both DH and I work full time and DD is in nursery 50 hrs a week. Will they say we cannot adopt her as we don't see her much Mon - Fri? Also if DD passes entrance exams she will go to private girls school. Am thinking SS are left wing and won't approve of this arrangement. Did they ask you this kind of stuff?

Lemon - Yes I need bio fathers consent to change name by deed poll.

This is very personal so please don't answer if I offend. But interested to know what your DS knows of his background. My DD is 3 yrs and I mention every now and again, that DD used to live in my tummy and that Daddy chose DD when she was one year old, he loved her so much after meeting her twice he wanted to be her daddy. I don't want to do the big chat when she is a teenager, so want her to subtley be aware of things.

Hi Las Vegas - I sound like you! No I wasnt intimidated by SS -they were very professional. I also work full time and my ds was at nursery too. There was no issue about this. We are also(relatively) wealthy in that ds now goes to private school and there was no issue about that either! There were questions about what we would tell him about his background - and how we (esp my dh) would feel if ds wanted to meet his biological father -and I think there were 'right' answers about this - ie -that we would tell him that dh had adopted him and would not prevent him from knowing about his biological father at a later date. Otherwise I think they were most interested in knowing that dh wasnt a child abuser, that we neither of us had drink/drugs problems; that our marriage was stable (as far as you can tell) that we loved ds and had a realistic view of possible problems ahead.

Re background - dosn't offend me at all! He knows in a vague kind of way that he has 'another' daddy(though I hate using that word about a man who has never seen him) He is now 7 and not really curious about how babies are made - until you understand the egg/sperm thing you can't really understand how you could have had another parent. there is child in his class at school who's parents are seperating and this has started to raise a few questions. I'm with you, I want him to be aware, so it dosnt come as a huge shock as a teenager, but I dont want to labour the point. Do you have any good words/phrases that you use ?

re your Xh - difficult, but even if he does refuse you may still be granted adoption, perhaps you need a solicitors advice. One thought, I am sure you want to get on with this while dd is still small - but the longer her biological father has not seen her for the weaker his case ?

Yes LV have a strong feeling my exp will suddenly get all hurt and huffy if I approach him about dp adopting my dds. In his mind he still loves them and he isn't seeing them because he lives abroad and things were 'difficult' between us (not that difficult - I was pretty polite considering his affair and internet women while I was pg with dd2!!). But that won't put me off if I think it's the best for my dds which I think it will be as my dp is a fantastic father to his 3 dds and they adore him. I feel very lucky now.

Mine are older and well aware that they have a 'dad' who lives in Holland and doesn't see them. This raises questions that are hard to answer some times. dd1 seems more affected - maybe because she remembers him more, maybe because she just hates being different to all the other kids. But it's best to be honest from the start I think. Better than surprises later - have known families where this sort of thing has come out later and been devastating.

I shall be interested to hear how things go LV!

Interesting to know my issues are not unique. Listmaker my X had affair while I was Pg. I am so lucky with DH. DD has been ill recently and DH has taken annual leave to stay home, despite the fact he earns 60K more than me, so his job is more important in financial respects.

no personal experiences re this but professional experience as family lawyer. would agree re good idea to get some legal advice before starting whole process rolling. if opposed you are likely to need this. wont be cheap! i think it is probable you will have real difficulties in event ex h opposes your plans... as has been said a residence order to you and current p would give him parental responsibility for child (decision making power) but this would be shared with you and with ex h. adoption is (rightly) seen as v serious and grave decision as extinguishes all legal standing of biological father. if opposed there would be likely to need to be extreme and unusual circumstances to justify such a step... good luck!