Fragile ceasefire has been broken - back to a narc mother special

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

A fragile truce has been broken & I am so upset & angry & overwhelmed with emotion :-(

I am crying in front of my child & I HATE myself for it. Fuck fuck fuck. How can one small minded prurient self obssessed woman make me feel so bad about myself, & lose it.

Worst is I feel like her - am showing all this negative feeling in front of my son, & scared he can feel the strength of my emotions & my anger towards her. I grew up terrified of her rantings & ravings & poison - she went insane (properly) all the time & her out of controlness & hatred terrified me.

Oh god, I am trapped in their house & then tomorrow they are coming back to mine & staying the night... What the hell have I done :(

Can't just off as am disabled & need their help to get back

It was my fault as well, I wasn't exactly polite to her as she just pushed my buttons about something I was already irritated with her about, so I guess it did look out of proportion

(Read my other thread in relationships for details if you want, something about she's jealous of me being a mother...)

Anyone? I've stopped crying in front of my poor Ds (26mths) anyway, so at least am doing something right

Dont worry about DS- when youre feeling up to it, explain you were upset but thats its nothing about him and he doesnt have to mind you.

You are not and will not be like her simply because you have insight and self awareness and you will strive to be better. You have slipped once and given her the response that she wanted....you can choose to ignore the issue and get back to your 'truce' tomorrow...knowing that for her it's just a mask over the reality.

Thankyou for being reassuring, I think it will be an ever-present fear for the rest of my life that I'll end up parenting like her - both because I know how screwed up & unhappy I was & only just coming to terms with it, & also cos I don't think my life would be worth living if my dear son felt the same way about me as I do about her.

And of course it's a big trigger as both of my patents always said I am like her/ have the same temper etc etc

When she flew off the handle tonight she spat out her usual poison which am only hours later realised how weord it was.

She was hissing 'I'm soooo sorry you don't find the SERVICE in this house good enough for YOU'

firstly this bares no relation to the altercation at all, as I was a bit cutting (ok, arsey if am honest) about her rudeness when I'm trying to be nice/ thoughtful to her & she throws it back in my face

Anyway, not a big thing just irritating, typical mother, demands thoughtfulness & 'no one thinks about meeee', but every gesture of connection or niceness is thrown back at me ungraciously and pettily.

Anyway, I digress... The main thing is that she was hissing 'I'm soooo sorry you don't find the SERVICE in this house good enough for YOU'

To her daughter who become DISABLED and i cant do things for myself!!!!

I have to ask for help & stay in bed most of the day, otherwise will make self even worse. Previously ive made myself v v ill trying to act how they expect me to, & havent been to stay w them for 8 mths as ill ive a set back as soon as ive stayed with them.

it's been bloody awful trying to 'reset' their expectations, although they've been full of the lip service understanding of my illness, but nooooo at the first sign of tension she throws it in my face.

I dont know of she knows how humiliating it is losing my independence & not being able to do things, & is using it to dig into me, or whether she's just lapsing back into her standard martyred role of 'i do everything for you/ my dad & I get treated like a servant...'

The woman is a mystery to me

Rest assured you won't end up like her because you have insight and sensitivity.

Breathe. If it were me I'd be writing her a long letter which I probably wouldn't give her, but would be cathartic and help me organise my thoughts. You only have the next couple of days to get through.

This must be so frustrating for you but it'll be over soon.

How far away from home are you?

Check out taxi services for the disabled and assistance with getting on trains/coaches etc, get yourself and ds home, and get your angel friend to give you some tlc.

Eugh, a bright new day :(

How can one small minded prurient self obssessed woman make me feel so bad about myself

This is something that you can fix, and you don't need her for it. Just you, your insight and compassion - for yourself.

Are you seeing a counsellor?

There is also so much on-line about getting over unpleasable/dysfunctional parents. Time and reflection spent understanding the problem, accepting it, and giving yourself permission to detach yourself emotionally from anything your mother says or does. Reduce or cut contact even, if that will help you. You don't owe her anything, you dont have to seek her approval, and you will indeed never obtain it. It's painful to delve into the fact that you were never loved or treated properly by your mother, really painful, but you can come out the other side with stronger self-esteem, detachment, and be better able to cope with any of her onslaughts.

Do this for yourself, and for your son.

The reason your mother damaged you is that she never bothered to resolve her own issues, and instead passed them on to you. Having had the same upbringing as her, yes, you have the same cocktail of ingredients that could potentially turn you into a damaging mother, except for the crucial difference that you have self-awareness and empathy : you know you were hurt, and you know you never want to hurt a child of your own in the same way.

So you won't.

Think of this: if your son were ever to tell you that something you did hurt him, how would you react? Now, if you were to tell your mother of the things she did which hurt you, how would she react?

See how different you both are?

You will not damage your son, because you have insight, and you are willing to be responsible for your own actions. You will be fine. Best wishes.

Thanks hotdamn, v thoughtful reply!

All posters seem to talk about insight & that's v reassuring, I am always looking for understanding & insight & combined with a horror of doing the same things that gives me hope.

Have come a long way towards laying to rest my past & reaching a state of understanding & acceptance. Unfortuneately that doesn't weather a long weekend with her! However I used to crack after an hour, so am getting more resilient...

Have reached a couple of insights though this time & last time I stayed with them:

1. That the feeling I get when am there & I give in to childhood patterns... That feeling is TERROR.

The cant think, butterflies & shooting pain in my stomach, heightened senses, but a kind of paralysis where I'll just not be able to move, & am overwhelming feeling that I am not safe, trapped. Can't believe im 36 & only just realised that I've spent 3 decades in fear in that house, I guess it's cos I was physically safe so didn't occur to me.

1. When she gets into one of her spirals, or attacks more accurately I guess, she is actually mad, and INSANITY is TERRIFYING, which explains number one.

So out of control, no boundaries, no guard rails of Sanity, no brakes... Just ranting hissing raging spite... Yup, trapped in a small village with no means of escape, no friends, no buses, nowhere to turn... & no way to articulate what was going on. Yup, that makes sense...

Film her on your mobile next time she does it. As mobiles are in people's hands most of the time, she won't notice.

Practise this.

Why?

Perhaps wobbly is of the opinion that if you covertly film your dm acting out and show it to her after the event, it may cause her to review her behaviour?

I doubt that this strategy - if that it is what is - would have any affect whatsoever although it may occasion you to have some blessed relief by your dm blanking not talking to you for a year or so.

I would suggest that you avoid visits to the family home; your disability should give you the perfect excuse to beg off from staying with your dps.

If you should decide to risk it again, research ways in which you can escape before you set off. Could your angel friend pick you and ds up if it gets too hard to handle?

Wobbly's suggestion is also proof.

How many times are things like this turned against the victim? If you hold the proof of your reality, your truth in your and it actually can help with the feelings of being out of control when lies and falsehoods permeate the family/circle of friends it is something solid, not hearsay but physically on film - exactly what you are dealing with. It also means your doubt can be banished as I'm sure if she is feeling anything other than righteous self-justification it is denial and a need to remove your version of events from the world.

It also helps when approaching counselling if it is difficult to articulate or it starts to sound too bloody mad to be anything but fantasy.
Sorry Wobbly, not meaning to sound like I put words in your mouth, that's just what I would see are the uses of your suggestion. Also if she goes too far then it'll be good in court (not nec saying that's applicable for you DLIAALH).

You will be fine and will see I hope, in time, how different you are as a parent. I have a very abusive father and I can put my house up as stakes he was never the author of a thread like this. He never got as far as the most superficial of introspection. I had a shitty childhood, most of the family I still see are really quite shitty people but I am a very, very good mother. You are too.
I detatched, long before I knew what it was. I stopped seeing the worst of them and decided which I'd keep in my life - however I really don't care about their shennanigans, if it hurts my children they're gone but they can create as much as they want, cuss the sun blue but it doesn't affect me because my self-worth, belief and esteem are not enmeshed in their dynamics. I don't need them.
I have never, don't ever and will never get what a child deserves from a parent, I just won't but I'm fine with that, I have accepted it and because of that I don't give what they want either. I'm not a child anymore, I'm self determining, I am not compelled to do what they want and submit, they don't scare me anymore just like monsters under the bed because I see what they are - I enjoy, nay, revel in my children because they are the mirror of me and my reflection gives me all the strength I need to remember why things are this way. You deserve to be put first, to gain strength to enable you more time with your son, to gain belief in yourself as a very different parent than yours were. I hope one day you can recognise what a polar opposite you actually are - you may have the same ingredients as your mother but in the same way that CO and CO2 are differentiated by but one molecule their effects are vastly different - one toxic to life and one intrinsic to it (how sad that I wanted to waffle about respiratory autoregulation and all the uses of CO2...so when I said I'm a normal person ) you have that added extra that differentiates you from your mother's base ingredients. Your son is lucky to have you as his mother.

Sympathies, dear poster, and I am sure you and your lovely child will get back to normal in a while once home, and feel much stronger.

I went through all kinds of dramas with my mother, especially when my child was smaller. She could more easily "act out" her drama/nastiness because of my vulnerability.

Things have changed more recently, though I still avoid certain things with her like Christmas as its like a red rag to a bull to her.

But I really believe in distancing yourself from difficult or abusive people. You don't have to engage with them at all, or if you do choose to, be assertive and do it on your terms. But I understand, its easy to be caught out esp. if you rely on them for anything, but easier if you don't.

Sorry everyone to my cryptic explanation:

this chaotic mother frankly sounds deranged and terrifying.

"Mother' as 'abusive' is a taboo that our society finds hard. I know this because for me my narc mother was my worst enemy - everyone else thought she was the sweetest, most caring, most motherly person going. I used to warn my friends, 'don't trust her, don't confide in her, she will tell' - but they wouldn't listen and pour their hearts out to her. Then I would have to listen whilst she told all her friends.... I still grit my teeth hearing her eulogies.

So discreetly filming her is proof to be believed. And proof when you wonder if you caused it.

Thank you all for your insightful thoughts... Kept me from going mad whilst there - seriously!

Am back home & although have had 3 migraines in 4 days (oh I wonder why?!), I feel much more grounded and 'me' again.
It's hard to be me when with someone who needs everyone to orbit arlund her - leaves me feeling smaller & bent out of shape...

Last 'long' visit until Christmas duty I think - long = 4 days btw!

I do want a family to love & care for & belong to :( feel v miserable that's it's just me & Ds, poor mite :(