I've just been really mean to my mum

[Magneto]

and now I'm feeling horribly guilty.

She rang me to ask me to call my brother to ask him to come home (he's 18). I said that I didn't have any contact numbers for him - which is true he often has new sim cards and it's impossible to keep up - and asked why she wanted him. She had on her "I'm so helpless and pathetic" voice which irritated me to begin with but then she said she needs him to come home and cook her dinner because she hasn't eaten for four days.

My mum has diabetes, she has had keytones over the weekend which means she can't eat because she is constantly throwing up, but if she ate properly in the first place they keytones would be easier to control. She is also an alcoholic (has been for at least over 15 years) and smokes a lot. As you can imagine her health problems irritate me almost as much as her "pathetic" voice.

I asked her why she couldn't make her own dinner and she went through the "I don't have a microwave and the oven has been condemned" speech again (the house should be on How Clean Is Your House, I suspect both the cooker and the microwave have died through lack of care - neither have ever been cleaned as far as I'm aware). I pointed out that the hob was working at which point she claimed she was too ill to stand and her hand hadn't been working for 3 days.

I asked her why she hadn't phoned the doctor and she said she had no money to call him. I then pointed out that she had enough money to leave a dozen cigarette butts on my front door step last week. She then said that "You really resent me don't you?" and I told her that no, I loved her very much but she does my head in with being so pathetic and expecting everyone to help her. I told her that my brother was probably avoiding her because looking after a drunk when you're 18 is no fun at all. I should know. I said that if she needs that much looking after then she needs to arrange for carers to come in and look after her.

Then she started on the "Were you ever starving? Did you ever not have clothes on your back or shoes on your feet?" I told her no, but that it was me that cooked the food and me who washed the clothes. I said that it was a good day if I came home from school and the dishes had been washed because it meant she wouldn't be as drunk as normal because she wouldn't have started so early. She told me that "You broke my heart when you left home" (she kicked me out when I was 16). I said that if that was true then why did I get abusive texts for three months afterwards?

She says that none of this happened. I never had to cook all our meals, wash all our dishes and clothes, she didn't kick me out I walked out and she never sent me all that abuse afterwards. I never held her hair out of the toilet or have to beg neighbours for money for the electicity metre. She didn't not lift a finger around the house from I was about 8 years old and I'm a liar.

I told her to fuck right off and put the phone down. I know she's ill (mentally and physically) but I don't want to sit there and listen to her deny everything that happened. Now I feel like shit.

Dont feel like shit... she may have an illness but it is one that she could try and get help for but it sounds like she would rather play the victim. :(

None of it is your fault.

I have no experience and no advice... but you sound like a lovely daughter for caring (even if you did get stressed) and your brother sounds pretty decent too for caring for his mum.

Does your mum not know that the NHS is free?

As I said, I have no advice, but maybe send her a text to say goodnight.

Jesus. don't feel bad. she sounds utterly unbearable, and tbh i want to tell you to not contact her again.

she's an addict who wants to remain an addict, the loving thing to do is not give her the help or affirmation she seeks, because all you'll be doing is making it easier for her not to get help.

and it sounds like she was really nasty to you when you were a child.

do you absolutely have to take her calls? can you not just screen them and avoid talking to her?

also: have you tried Al-Anon family groups? they are an enormous help when it comes to dealing with alcoholic family members.

I tend to answer the calls incase it's so she can inform me that she has taken another overdose. Sometimes she calls the ambulance herself but sometimes I have to do it. The fucking guilt is horrendous. Please don't think badly of me for saying this but sometimes I think about how much easier everything would be if she were dead.

And I've tried not talking to her. It just leads to massive tantrums about how I'm so cruel and evil for talking my ds away from her. He's 22 months and clearly adores her which makes all this more heartbreaking for me. I know I need to cut contact with her before ds is old enough to realise what she's like and for her to hurt him. How do I do that though?

(She never looks after ds on her own and he is not allowed in her home incase anyone is wondering - it sounds daft but I always feel the judgypants being hoiked unless I add that disclaimer)

I think sometimes they just need to be told. It wont make a difference to her, she will forget it/block it (thats what my mother does) so i wouldn't worry. It's very cathartic isn't it?
Unfortunatley when i finally had it out with my mother it was in debenhams. Not ideal.

Where is your Dbro? I am actually more worried about him tbh.

At 18 he is legally an adult but they still need love and support at that age otherwise they can go off the rails.

Can you not keep on top of his sim card thing? Or buy him a phone and sim that you top up for him that he promises to keep so you can conact him? You can get phones and sims for £10 from tesco.

Does your mum have a Social Worker at all? If so, you could try contacting them with a view to getting your mum assessed for meal calls from a care agency. She would need a working microwave ideally though as the calls tend to be 30 mins long and the carer would need to fit in cooking the meal & clearing up afterwards, which allows maybe 10 mins for the actual cooking.

The visits could also be used to remind or assist your mum with taking medication and monitoring her blood sugar levels (the care agency would provide a folder with charts for the carers to fill in).

I'm sure my dbro is safe at a friend's house, but he already is off the rails unfortunately. He is young and hates his life, pretty much like I did at that age, the only difference is I think I was a bit more streetwise or "smarter" in the sense that I knew the only way out of it was to work my arse off at school and in employment. He takes the "why should I bother" view on life. He has stolen from mum regularly and stole £300 from the shop my dh managed after dh gave him a job there. He's not interested in staying in touch with me unless it's to ask to borrow money and he only stays at mum's because he has nowhere else to go.

My mum of course blames all of this on him and doesn't see how a complete lack of parenting on her part could be to blame. I tried my best but I was 16 when I moved out, he was 12, there wasn't much I could do to keep him in line - I didn't even have anywhere to live. I feel guilty about that too, like I've failed him but everything I do to help gets thrown back in my face.

His girlfriend has managed to get him a job recently and he had his first day today according to mum. I really hope this is a turning point for him.

I'm looking into the al-anon family groups by the way, thank you for recommending them.

I dont think badly of you Magento:)

I have a little experience of this kind of thing.
When someone deliberately sabotages their own life and health, other people can get dragged down with then.
Reminds me of something I heard on the radio a few days ago...the average alcoholic 'takes down' / ruins the lives of 5 other people.

I hope you and your brother can find a path through all this

Have you contacted SS? They will be able to assess if your mother is a danger to herself and, if so, will hopefully take appropriate action. She probably needs professional help now so don't feel guilty, OP; you have done your best!

I sympathise. My mum has similar addiction/mental health problems & the guilt is exhausting. I've had the same 'hurry up & die' thoughts but then panic when it looks like she might

I think it's normal in these situations, try not to feel bad. It's hard not to get annoyed when someone take absolutely no responsibility for themselves or the pain they cause.

Have you tried Al-anon? Works for some people.

Magneto, you are not responsible for either your mother's state of mind or state of body. You cannot help her get better unless she makes an effort to help herself, and that seems highly unlikely if not actually impossible. For many years you have mothered your own mother.

Your brother is vulnerable but he is an adult and it does sound as though he now has an opportunity for employment - I hope he appreciates this and makes something of it.

It's your time now - yours and your DS's. You can take him to see her when she is sober and relatively civilised but you are right not to leave him with her. Make it clear to her that you will visit with him. Short, regular visits perhaps (doesn't have to be often) - you can make it very clear that if she is drunk or drinks while you and he are with her, you and DS will leave.

Absolutely none of her situation is your fault. If you need to do anything, it may be to get help to deal with the fall-out of your mother's drinking which has clearly and understandably affected you deeply since childhood.