Don't know whats going to happen next for my brother (long, please bear with me)

[Toosad]

I'm a regular on mn and I've changed my name even though this isn't excactly personal, just very upsetting for me and easier for me to talk about if I'm annonymous.

My brother is my only sibling, he's 2yrs older than me and until he went to university about 12 years ago he was the kindest, sweetest, brightest and loveliest man I knew and I was proud that he was my brother. In college he discovered drugs and excessive alcohol which he used to cover the hurt and anger of my parent's separation which was going on at home at that time, and he gradually dwindled into a selfish, arrogant, ignorant man with no thought for anyone but himself. He graduated with a poor degree and went straight into a job which he held down for about 5 years before his drinking and drug use caused him health problems which kept him off work and after a year and a half of him not going back to work his company let him go (with a generous cash settlement). In that year and a half he became a virtual recluse, never called me or our parents, and stayed in all the time alone. He's now been on the dole for 2.5 years and has sunk into a complete fantasy life of tv shows, movies and books and cannot even talk about the desperate reality of his situation without becoming sick, shaking all over and having an anxiety attack.
If reality is not talked about he is completely fine emotionally. But does not shower (at all ever) or take care of his personal hygine, he is completely self centred and stays up all night.
He recently came to stay with me and my husband and he completely disrupted out lives by keeping us up all night, drinking our wine without asking, one night he was drunk and came in to our room at 3am to ask for the computer password to go on the internet. I'm having sleep problems with dd at the mo and was livid that he's wake me during one of the rare moments of sleep I had. The worst thing is that we discovered last night hundreds of pornographic images on our computer that he had downloaded whilst here and our computer is now contaminated with god knows what. It wasn't even our pc he used but dh's laptop which is his work computer and I am so so angry with him. DH could get fired if this was discovered and misunderstood as he is in a position of trust at work.

I am so close to giving up on my brother as I have tried everything I know to make him feel like he has worth and can get his life back on track. I understand that manic depression is a terrible illness but he's gone too far. I feel he's reached the end of the road with me and my parents and something is going to give now.

I would like to see him signed into some kind of mental health clinic or hospital but I don't know how to go about this. My parents are old and at the time of life when they should be relaxing and looking forward to retirement. I don't know what to do but I can't ignore my brother's behaviour. If I do not intervene and force him to get help I can see a bleak future for him, he will never get over this alone and probably end up on a park bench very soon. Trouble is I live in a different country from him and I have a small baby, I'm not in a position to easily help him. I can't just let this go on, it's already been 2.5 years...

sounds like he is going through a pyscotic episode throught the drugs and drink
is he a recluse because of paranoia???
he needs prof help, can you go with him to gp and explain what is going on

I can't, as I said I live in a different country but I'm gonna try to get my mum or dad to write a letter to his gp or something like that.

He's a reculse because of mild agoraphobia (spell?) which I suppose is paranoia, yes.

I can offer no advice whatsoever except to say don't give up on him. Does he want to be helped? Keep bumping this up, MNers seem to know the answer to everything in the end and I'm sure someone will come along who can offer some advice in terms of who to contact etc.

Thanks Albert. He doesn't want help, no. He seems to think he's fine which is all part of the blocking out reality thing.

this is going to sound terrible BUT...last year when my ds father lost the plot, drank/switched personalities/went completely paranoid/heard messages in his head/read intention into our toddlers behaviour towards him, i.e he bit him because he was angry he didn't bring him a new toy/ and ended up accusing me of not feeding our child (?!) and beat the crap out of me to which i called the police and had him taken away although not charged. I then called the doctor, called victim support, told the visiting social worker i was worried for our child and could she do anything, and that i was also very concerned about him and was told in every instance 'he can only help himself' there's nothing you can do unless he asks for help. I'm really sorry, ex-dp has got much better than he was just through the natural course of things. phone your brother, write to him, encourage and support him to change. I'm really sorry, it's really hard i know. best of luck x.

I've done all those things. It's been 2.5 years!
There has to be a way of getting help for someone with mental health problems?

Because of the porn and the drugs and the general self-centred behaviour I know I don't want him near my daughter. It's that realisation that's upset me the most.

Is your brother still drinking/using? What drugs has he been abusing?

From what you say it sounds to me as if the problems of depression stem as much from his abuce of alcohol and other substances as from his agorophobia (can't spell either). He will not get over his depression until he faces up to the fact that he is a substance addict, be it alcohol, drugs or both. Often substance abuce stems from lack of self worth, when it reaches a point where it alienates the user from his/her peers, the self essteem goes down even further, the addict drinks/uses more to forget, and so the vicious circle continues. You can tell your brother all you like that you love him/are there for him, but to him, your actions don't confirm that, as you will have become mad at him for waking you up in the middle of the night, criticising his lifestyle etc, all of which are perfectly justified of course, but an addict very often does not think rationally, and therefore for him it is hard to reconcile his lifestyle with the way he is treated. Hope this makes some sense

TBH, unless your brother wants to be helped, there isn't anything you can really do. An addict has to admit to having an addiction before he/she can get help, and sadly, often an addict has to hit rockbottom before he can start to get up again.

All you can do is be there for your brother, tell him that you are there for him, tell him that he does have a problem in your opinion, and that you would like him to get help, but ultimately, the decision to do that is his. I know it's hard, good luck

unless he goes to a gp himself, committs an offence through menatl ill health or is a danger to himself oir others he won't be taken in to a psychiatric hospital

it is incredibly difficult to get help if you are the ill person and practically impossible without the co operation of the individual concerned

have you contacted MIND or you may find help through links on here mental health

Is there nott an organisation for the nearest and dearest of addicts (Al-Anon?) that might be able to provide some support/advice?

WRT the pornography - should yor dh not cover himself by telling someone in his organisation that his laptop has been compromised? Or would it cause even more problems as he had given away his password?

toosad - i remember your post - your strength and loyalty lady are such admirable qualities you possess. you can do this. dont give up. not yet. you can get through this. be positive my love, {hugs}

I don't know what country you are in.... But recently a very close friend of mine found out her husband was on herion. Life has been completely shattered and although her situation is different from yours she went along to a group called Families ananonymous (?sp). They're an organisation set up to help people cope with a drug addict in the family. I went with her to her first session last week and all the other people there were parents of grown up children with drug problems. They found a ton of support in going to these groups and talking. Might I suggest this would be good for you/your parents. Cat me if you want more info and I'll get more details from my friend and send them to you.

It is hard to get help my brother is in a similar situation and my parents were told he has to ask for help and then wait for appointments in the next few weeks, it seems unless you commit a crime or hurt people you are just left to fester, I hate it is means that you have to wait for some sort of spontaneous recovery, make me feels so helpless, also have the same issues about having my brother around the house.

DH has run a program through the laptop to erase all trace of the porn and evidance of the websites he used. It cost E35 to download. He has also spoken to his boss whom he is good friends with and explained as best he could.

Gravity - thank you for your kind words, yes I have posted before, about 6months ago. Nothing has changed. Thanks for remembering me.

Everyone else - thankyou also. I've spoken to my parents today and tried to let them know how bad things are and that he needs to made to ask for the help. Hopefully I will have some more positive news soon.