Nan pressuring me to 'make it up' with my mum.

[slatternlymother]

I'll cut a long story short, but please feel free to search my nn for other threads (I don't want to bore you all!)

My parents are toxic. My mother didn't used to be, but she's slowly been influenced by my Dad. An almighty row ensued last December (after months of frosty visits, one where she didn't even make eye contact with DS when he was cooing at her, letters details my crimes etc) and we broke contact at her request.

My Nan (my mums mum) is coming to stay this weekend. She has supported me throughout and I've kept her aware of what's been going on because I've not wanted her to find out second hand info. She witnessed the visit where DS was ignored by my Mum and was shocked; rang me to check I was ok etc.

But recently, we've been phoning each other on Sundays just to say hello, and she's been dropping in how she's praying for us to re unite, for me to forgive them etc. She told me she'd met up with my Mum in town and how she felt Mum had this 'great sadness' but didn't know how to break the ice with me...

They're coming to stay this weekend and I just know she's going to bring it up. The trouble is, I am DONE with my parents' toxic behaviour. It was damaging me and therefore my DH and DS.

How do I firmly but politely tell her this? I don't want to break her heart, but she's very much a forgive and forget kinda gal. And very sweet.

Just firmly and politely say that you've made your decision, it wasn't easy but you're not going back on it. Then change the subject. If she brings it up again, repeat until she gets the message.

Poor you :(

"I know you mean the best, but getting back in touch with my parents would make me miserable, and I don't really want to talk about them, if that's okay. I really appreciate how kind and lovely you've been to me, and I know it would make you happy to see us reunited, but it would really damage me to be in touch with them again. I know you understand how hard this has been, and I know you won't bring it up now that you know it upsets me."

Good luck

I feel for you. All I can suggest is rehearse a short, touching speech. Then deliver the speech ending with 'i find this very painful and really don't want it to spoil the lovely time we have together so please, no more' or similar. Then if she brings it up immediately say 'Nan, I'm not discussing this any more. Would you like another //go on Guitar Hero...' or whatever

How about "I know you'd love to see us reunited, but that can only happen if mum understands how bad her behaviour was, really accepts that it was wrong, that she was wrong, and is determined to change. Otherwise she'll be behaving the same way in no time at all and I'll just have to go through all the pain again. And she doesn't accept that her behaviour was wrong, does she? If she did she'd be phoning to apologise ..."

If you go that route you might have to ask your Nan to stay out of it though - not to go to your Mum and tell her to phone and "say sorry". Because an apology is only going to be worth anything if your mum reaches the idea on her own.

That's just it. I feel like my Mum is putting all this 'hard done by' attitude onto my Nan when she sees her, and my Nan assumes by the pitying attitude that my Mum has been in contact and I've just told her to ram it.