Is there such thing as 'mild' emotional abuse?

[Gaslighted]

Or is he just hard hard, work? Been together for 16 years, I was 19 he was 37 (dogdy) my first serious relationship and have two youngish children. I always thought DP was hard work but the gaps I between the outbursts are becoming smaller and I discovered EA on line - so many of the symptoms match (but not all).
Because I feel like I should have seen this before I had children, I feel like its my bed and I have to lie in it. At least until the children are older.
Sometimes he is lovely, relaxed and fun. Then the rug goes and I am a fat, selfish person who can't be trusted with anything.
I cannot be bulled however, my childhood was good and my parents have a normal relationship so I don't believe anything he says about me- I know it's his issue and I don't want my children to come from a broken home.
What to do? I can't be the only one who will put up with it and not be broken?
So many doubts.
I wonder if he is being like this so that I will leave and he still gets to look like the good guy.
Sorry for rambling, this is my first time and I have no idea where to go with this, its cathartic to get it written down.

"From now on I will take some advice and post what he does, just to get some perspective."

My perspective test on these things is to replace 'partner' with 'stranger'. If a total stranger said or did the same things as your partner, would you regard it as acceptable or not? If someone came up to you in the street, tapped you on the shoulder and said 'you're a fat, selfish person that can't be trusted with anything', or saw your crutches and started an argument accusing you of ruining their weekend, you'd be rightly furious and alarmed. Partners are meant to love, respect and cherish each other. They're meant to be biased in our favour, not treating us worse than a random person in the street.

You don't want to spli up the family for the sake of the children ?

Think again

If you are being verbally abused, living with a person whose moods change like the wind and you all have to pussyfoot around them, who is nice/nasty when it suits him then you should end it for the sake of the children

Those are some fucked-up lessons about what constitutes a healthy relationship they are absorbing on a daily, drip-by-drip basis

Have you read the "what to expect form a healthy relationship" thread that was bumped yesterday ?

As part of the "detach and watch" strategy, and wondering what other people relationships are like, I had a lightbulb while watching the Simpson. Nobody could call Homer the ideal husband, but could I imagine him treating Marge with the contempt and cruelty that I was receiving? For some reason, imagining the little yellow characters enacting my marriage gave me clarity that I didn't have while experiencing it.

I understand how hard it is to let go of the dream of the happy, intact family, but by staying with him, you're just giving your dcs a confusing mockery of one. You can show them a better way to live, one where people are habitually kind to each other, not cruel.

Where did my "s"s go?

Nickname Taken I think that is one of the best pieces of advice I've ever seen! It's inspired!

When you read the EA checklists it's easy to latch onto the ones that your partner doesn't do, so that you can be grateful "Oh well, it could be worse - he could do that" or convince yourself that as he doesn't have all of the signs, he can't really be EA. It's one of the coping mechanisms that EA victims often adopt, to minimise, be grateful for what is, contrast to a situation which is worse.

However it doesn't really work like that - in a healthy relationship, you would experience none of the things on the list. Having one or two things (depending on the list) could be mere red flags, but generally if you are recognising your partner at all from the list it doesn't matter if he doesn't tick every single box, it's a sign that something is wrong.

"The Simpson's Guide to Healthy Relationships"

It could take off...

It so could! Now you mention it, I remember watching The Simpsons somewhere near the end with XP and feeling sad because Homer was always affectionate at least to Marge, and although she was pretty much the ultimate skivvy you could tell she loved him.

And apart from the strangling parts he does actually seem to love his kids in a strange sort of way. Even the fact that they all sit together on the sofa would have been a start in our house

I always thought the strangling thing was a bit of a spoof. (Over and above the spoof nature of the whole programme, I mean..) I'm sure we've all felt like strangling DCs at times, figuratively speaking of course.

If someone came up to you in the street, tapped you on the shoulder and said 'you're a fat, selfish person that can't be trusted with anything', or saw your crutches and started an argument accusing you of ruining their weekend, you'd be rightly furious and alarmed. Partners are meant to love, respect and cherish each other. They're meant to be biased in our favour, not treating us worse than a random person in the street.

Quoting Cognito, yes agree, for me, this is the start I realise fFor the future). If you are working below this baseline, its unnacceptable, untennable and deserves nothing but what you dish out at it ...

I mean, deserves nothing but contempt by way of response ... because thats what is unjustifiably being dished out ...

Nickname "I understand how hard it is to let go of the dream of the happy, intact family, but by staying with him, you're just giving your dcs a confusing mockery of one. You can show them a better way to live, one where people are habitually kind to each other, not cruel."

Couldn't agree more.

How old are your children?

You are wiser than the 19 year old who was swept off her feet.

A man of 53 not going to change for the better.

If I were you I'd start planning your new life.