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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't know what to do. Can anyone help, legal/adoption stuff especially

13 replies

EmilieFloge · 11/06/2012 16:58

Sorry to post about this, I really wish I wasn't in this situation and I don't like to ask for help but I can't get through to anyone on helplines and so on, and thought people might know a few things.

I've posted a few weeks ago about my partner, who is very overemotional and has also been getting drunk a lot recently.

Things have got worse since I last posted. Basically I really went off him when he kept calling me, after drinking a great deal and telling me that he loved me again and again but also sounding pretty sinister and accusatory about the fact I had missed some of his texts (had left phone in the car by mistake).
So I began not to want to answer the phone to him, because I felt like it had become the equivalent of an electronic tag and I didn't know what his reaction would be if I missed a text again...so I asked him not to text so often as I am pregnant and very tired, and he tried to comply, I even told him his behaviour had made me very upset and I felt under pressure to say I loved him all the time, and he needed constant reassurance, and I couldn't stand it.
He cooled off a bit but not properly - he started texting just about three times a day, I didn't always answer, I have been feeling rough and sleeping a lot during the day this last week and so I was feeling a bit more relaxed, and able to just sleep and text him later on.
But he kept on about how much he missed me and how upset he is, and he worries about me all the time, and didn't really get it.

Anyway he had promised me over and over that he would never call me again when he was drunk. He stuck to it for about a week - maybe two, I missed a couple of calls one night - and was determined to do what I needed him to do. He kept saying he was on my side and going to be what I needed him to be, and not bother me etc etc.

Anyway last week he was here on Tuesday, we had a long talk, lay on my bed for an hour just relaxing and talking and cuddling/ He did ask to stay over, I said no I needed to sleep, he asked again later, anyway eventually he went home seeming to be reassured.

Friday he asked when he coul see me again, I said call in after work, to get it over with, so he did, and got very emotional again and kept staring at me which I really hate, and he knows this. I asked him to stop, he refused saying he loves me and can't help it. I was feeling awful and he left after about 45 minutes of awkwardness. I said I wished I was not pg (soooo tired and feeling ill) and he almost cried, saying 'I'm so sorry, you have regrets, I'm sorry, I am such an idiot, at least I understand now' which I didn't really get, but anyway - more texts followed, he was just being very maudlin and miserable.

Saturday we didn't really talk much, one or two texts. He wrote two to say goodnight, I was asleep by then, another on sunday morning to which I answered I hope he has a good day : ) and then we went out for the day (just me and my children). I didn't know what he was up to, didn't feel like going out but we had arranged to go to something and I felt we couldn't get out of it.

Anyway I turned off my mobile, looked at it at lunchtime and he had written, the only good day I will have is with you. Then another saying he knew I didn't want to hear that but it is true.

I ignored these. He texted again at about 4pm, twice - was I home etc - I got back at 4.15 and found a load of shopping on the doorstep. We didn't need it, there was a note, he had obviously decided to turn up in an effort to see me.
I texted thanks but there was no need, it was a kind thought though.
He rang me then and was obviously really drunk. He was sullen and barely spoke, obviously angry that we had not been around. I asked if he was drunk - same as last time, he denied it over and over, till I said he sounded like he had had more than a couple, and he finally admitted it at which point I put the phone down.
I then texted to say please don't call me till tomorrow as you are really upsetting me, he replied Ok x x and then thankyou, good night (it was 5pm) I think he went to sleep.
I had a normal text this morning, hello darling hope you have a good day, and then turned off my phone as I couldn't handle an argument.
he hasn;t called the landline and I am afraid to turn on my mobile as I know there will be angry messages.
I am considering having an abortion now - I am 9 weeks Sad
Everyone knows about the baby and the children are excited. I hate the idea of a termination, but am afraid of being stuck with an alcoholic idiot for ever. I have finished the relationship in my head but am scared to tell him - though he knew if the drunk phone call thing happened again it would be over, I don't think he took it seriously.

I don't know him that well. He is unstable imo and I am also thinking about having the child adopted. but I don't know what my rights are.
can anyone help please?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 11/06/2012 17:11

I am fairly sure that you have the right to give your baby up for adoption, but I am not sure that it would be the best decision, and I also imagine that your own mind could change after the birth too. Plus it would be extremely hard for your children to understand as well if they know you are pregnant.

I can completely understand you not wanting to be permanently linked to this man though.

I know you are saying you hate the idea of a termination, and I am in no way suggesting you should have one if you are very against it, but that could be the best option for your future. Nobody need know, you can say it was a miscarriage rather than have to explain to people that you had a termination.

I do feel for you, it must be a very difficult situation.

EmilieFloge · 11/06/2012 17:18

Thankyou so much for reading and for your understanding and help.

I am frankly just very scared of a termination, I've not had one before, I also hate doing that to him as stupid as it sounds...it is his first child, he was overjoyed, still is I think and would be desperately unhappy if I did that - also he would probably hate me for ever. He is nearly 60, an old man, not such a threat as someone twenty years younger (my age) but still I find myself wondering what he would do to us, if I go ahead or if I do not.

I want him to sort himself out but I'm even scared of his reaction to my ending our relationship - i feel like he might just go insane, he is so OTT all the time. But then why behave like a tw*t if he loves me so much Sad

I think you are right about the kids. I was almost considering letting my sister adopt the child, have not cleared this with her, she was talking about adopting but of course that is a bit of a leftfield suggestion. that way the kids would still have contact iyswim.

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heather1 · 11/06/2012 17:20

If you hate the idea of a abortion then it seems it is not what you want to do. Maybe get some rl support. There are may helplines where you can talk to an actual person and get support.
It is indeed a very difficult situation and I wish you the best.

Madmum24 · 11/06/2012 17:21

That sounds like a nightmare situation, but in honesty why did you get pregnant by someone that "you don't well"? I don't think by getting rid of the baby that he is suddenly going to leave you alone, he sounds a bit mentally ill or at the very least extremely needy with low self esteem.

I'd be thinking more along the lies of a restraining order.

EmilieFloge · 11/06/2012 17:23

Thankyou, I have spoken to two close friends and my mother and tried to talk to womens aid but no one was able to answer...I'll try again later in case there is someone with legal knowledge there.

I wasn't sure if they would let me have it adopted, or if he has a say in it. I don't think he would get residency as he lives in a room above a pub, works FT, smokes constantly and is really old with no previous children.

I just am afraid he might turn against me. It feels like I have about 2 weeks to make a decision that will colour the rest of our lives and it's horrible.

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EmilieFloge · 11/06/2012 17:25

When we met he seemed brilliant, very strong and sensible and normal. We fell in love very much and it was a fast moving thing, it was like a runaway train, I'm not sure what happened. He didn't show this needy, desperate side till I was pregnant.

Also as he was so old and I am getting on, we felt like we didn't have much time to mess about and both wanted a child, and didn't know if he could or not. So we didn't prevent it and were quite surprised when it did happen.

I know now it was foolish. I have been with him for about 6 months. I do know him a certain amount but never in a situation where I'm against him iyswim so I don't know how he will react.

OP posts:
HereIGo · 11/06/2012 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EmilieFloge · 11/06/2012 17:28

My children had to know as I was feeling really unwell, and to begin with up till about a month ago I was really happy about it.

I don't drink at all, myself.
yes, I have booked to see the midwife and have my booking in tomorrow.
Please don't assume I'm as nutty as he is. Though I am an idiot I know.

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EmilieFloge · 11/06/2012 17:31

Plus have spoken to the GP and am on certain meds, have had blood tests and all that. I have bought things for the baby and am trying to reorganise the house. It was all going ahead full steam until he started acting like a dickhead a few weeks ago, and now I feel quite worried about the future.

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GrasshopperNchipmunk · 11/06/2012 18:53

If you didn't want to care for the baby, would he want to care for the child as a single parent?? Both parents have to consent for an adoption, unless the Court deems them as being unable to provide a good enough standard of care. If you tried to go down this route it is entirely possible that he would end up as the child's main carer, and it doesn't sound like this is what you want.

Hopefully you will be more clear on your options when you see your midwife

Good luck

squeakytoy · 11/06/2012 22:27

I would honestly say a man who is almost 60 with no children would struggle to be a father, and he certainly does not sound capable of being left alone to care for a baby.

GrasshopperNchipmunk · 11/06/2012 22:51

It's speculation as we don't know enough about the situation, or the ins and out about what he is capable of, how his health is etc etc. All I was saying is that she could not just place the baby for adoption without his consent, and if she did not want the baby, it's his right to care for his child. If there are concerns with his care, children's services would be likely to be involved. Or it would be down to the Courts, via the LA to discount him as a potential carer due to x, y and z.

EmilieFloge · 12/06/2012 11:37

crikey...thankyou both, that is useful info to have. I suppose that my reason for having the child adopted wouldn't come into it - ie if the father was emotionally abusive for example, I don't think that it's got that bad yet but say it did. Surely that would mean it would be considered anathema to place it with the abuser?

I was panicking a bit when I first posted; things have calmed down a bit. He hasn't been in touch, well barely, only to text about something irrelevant - very brief. He said he knows he isn't popular at the moment. Left it at that.
My mother has said she will do anything she can to help including if necessary looking after the baby herself, (my family are nice like that! so not such a wild idea) but I don't think it will be necessary. I certainly wouldn't want him to become the primary carer, no way. And he wouldn't have the first idea about it.
thanks again for answering.

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