Relationship with PIL - WARNING Very Long!!

[pateran]

Hi

Warning this is a saga?.

I?m probably just looking for a sounding board and I have no idea what I hope to achieve but want to know what people think. When I mentioned MIL in this I am actually referring to Parents in Law.
So DH and I are married 11 years been together all in 13 years have 2 DS?s 1 of almost 6 and 1 of 6 months.
When we 1st got together I found DH parents difficult to get along not because they did anything to make me feel unwelcome I just never felt good enough ? not that they were better than me but gave that impression despite both of them not working for years. They were very friendly with DH brother and his wife ? though they never liked BIL?s wife. They got married in America which broke MILs heart. When we got married 2 years after meeting ? we paid it all ourselves BUT included both sets of parents in everything. Including me inviting her to dress shopping, fittings and flower picking ? EVERYTHING literally. I even took my dress, invitations, everything to her mums? DH gran to see because she couldn?t get out visiting very much. The same when I was pregnant 5 years later with DS No1 She was included in everything and I never made more of my mum than her ever. Both equally got time with him ? he was the 1st Grandchild on both sides and it was thought at that time he?d be the only one on both. DH family never wanted children and my brother is gay. We asked both sets of parents to babysit 1 day per week from the off, which went well initially ? well it has always gone well with my mum though she does have her own opinions which is annoying she has never been anything but there for us and DS. His family let us down time after time and then one day FIL said it wasn?t working out because it was effecting him watching the football on a Saturday ? leaving us high and dry. After 4 months it was all sorted out and they went back ? through their choice to babysit. It went great for years until. BIL and wife had a little girl and PIL were to babysit 2 days a week. From the beginning we felt it was too much cos that was them then babysitting 3 days per week. Anyway from day 1 they complained to us that they were tired because when babysitting for BIL they lived there for 3 days. It went on to the point were as my DH is self employed he started moving work so he could have the day they were meant to babysit off and then they wouldn?t need to come cos we felt bad about how tired they were. They then rarely saw DH or DS which in all honesty we never saw them either so we are equally at fault. About a year ago DH was starting to feel totally depressed over this cos again in his live his brother was more important than him. FIL actually said to me one day in front of my DS that if it wasn?t for my niece their lives would not be worth living ? clearly my child is worthless then.
Since then DS2 has been born and is now over 6 months old ? they have seen him 6 times ? despite almost crossing my door to go to BIL weekly. They have never text to ask how either children nor DH are and we seem to be at a sort of stalemate.
In this time BIL who earns a fortune has taken them on a holiday of a lifetime ? has them for dinner in restaurants weekly ? and they go here there and everywhere with them ? as they used to do with us ? though we never paid for them cos we?re not that well off.
Every time we go see them or they see us things are ok not perfect but we always leave feeling like progress has been made then nothing. It all stops ? this time it?s been 7 weeks since they saw DC ? and we went there last time. They have now been on this trip and we think this is why we?ve been dropped. I?m not willing to drop our principles on this basically ? they lied to BIL saying it was us that made them tired ? 1 day a fortnight in the end compared to 3 days per week. That we do nothing for them ? and have never did anything for them ? it ended with BIL emailing DH to tell us we were wrong. PIL admitted to DH they had lied but will not be willing to tell BIL this.
In all this time DH has fallen out with BIL who is nicknamed golden child within the family. He said some horrific things to DH that are totally unforgivable. We believe this may be the issue.
I just keep seeing on FB about the things they are all doing together and wonder if it is solely because he are not able to afford to buy them that my kids are worthless to them as is their own DS. I want to scream and it all makes me feel like I?m a really bad daughter in law ? what should I do? MY DH says he wishes he had told them never to come back in his life after this fall out but for the sake of DS1 we didn?t. Her totally loves them and HAD a great relationship with them. It is killing me. I feel sad and depressed about it and everything DS is doing something in school that mentions people who look after him and he says them is makes me so angry cos they are not to my mind part of his life anymore. DS2 they don?t even know.
I know it is long winded but thanks for reading and I?m grateful for any opinions/comments.

Sorry i just can't read all that, could you put it into paragraphs?

Hi

Warning this is a saga?.

I'm probably just looking for a sounding board and I have no idea what I hope to achieve but want to know what people think. When I mentioned MIL in this I am actually referring to Parents in Law.

So DH and I are married 11 years been together all in 13 years have 2 DS?s 1 of almost 6 and 1 of 6 months.

When we 1st got together I found DH parents difficult to get along not because they did anything to make me feel unwelcome I just never felt good enough -not that they were better than me but gave that impression despite both of them not working for years. They were very friendly with DH brother and his wife -though they never liked BIL'swife.They got married in America which broke MILs heart. When we got married 2 years after meeting -we paid it all ourselves BUT included both sets of parents in everything. Including me inviting her to dress shopping, fittings and flower picking -EVERYTHING literally. I even took my dress, invitations, everything to her mums DH gran to see because she couldn'tget out visiting very much. The same when I was pregnant 5 years later with DS No1 She was included in everything and I never made more of my mum than her ever. Both equally got time with him -he was the 1st Grandchild on both sides and it was thought at that time he'd be the only one on both. DH family never wanted children and my brother is gay.

We asked both sets of parents to babysit 1 day per week from the off, which went well initially.His family let us down time after time and then one day FIL said it wasn'tworking out because it was effecting him watching the football on a Saturday -leaving us high and dry. After 4 months it was all sorted out and they went back -through their choice to babysit. It went great for years until. BIL and wife had a little girl and PIL were to babysit 2 days a week. From the beginning we felt it was too much cos that was them then babysitting 3 days per week. Anyway from day 1 they complained to us that they were tired because when babysitting for BIL they lived there for 3 days. It went on to the point were as my DH is self employed he started moving work so he could have the day they were meant to babysit off and then they wouldn' need to come cos we felt bad about how tired they were. They then rarely saw DH or DS which in all honesty we never saw them either so we are equally at fault.

About a year ago DH was starting to feel totally depressed over this cos again in his live his brother was more important than him. FIL actually said to me one day in front of my DS that if it wasn' for my niece their lives would not be worth living -clearly my child is worthless then.

Since then DS2 has been born and is now over 6 months old -they have seen him 6 times -despite almost crossing my door to go to BIL weekly. They have never text to ask how either children nor DH are and we seem to be at a sort of stalemate.

In this time BIL who earns a fortune has taken them on a holiday of a lifetime -has them for dinner in restaurants weekly and they go here there and everywhere with them as they used to do with us though we never paid for them.

Every time we go see them or they see us things are ok not perfect but we always leave feeling like progress has been made then nothing. It all stops,this time 7 weeks since they saw DC and we went there last time.

They have now been on this trip and we think this is why we been dropped. I?m not willing to drop our principles on this basically -they lied to BIL saying it was us that made them tired 1 day a fortnight in the end compared to 3 days per week. That we do nothing for them and have never did anything for them ? it ended with BIL emailing DH to tell us we were wrong. PIL admitted to DH they had lied but will not be willing to tell BIL this.

In all this time DH has fallen out with BIL who is nicknamed golden child within the family. He said some horrific things to DH that are totally unforgivable. We believe this may be the issue.

I just keep seeing on FB about the things they are all doing together and wonder if it is solely because he are not able to afford to buy them that my kids are worthless to them as is their own DS. I want to scream and it all makes me feel like I?m a really bad daughter in law ? what should I do? MY DH says he wishes he had told them never to come back in his life after this fall out but for the sake of DS1 we didn?t. Her totally loves them and HAD a great relationship with them. It is killing me. I feel sad and depressed about it and everything DS is doing something in school that mentions people who look after him and he says them is makes me so angry cos they are not to my mind part of his life anymore. DS2 they don?t even know.

I know it is long winded but thanks for reading and I?m grateful for any opinions/comments.

Argh. Please, if you need to rant, use paragraphs.

Oops cross posted.

You are letting this upset you. I am afraid there is not a great deal you can do about the situation, so why let it get to you? Ignore and move on. It will be their loss in the long run.

Just do your own thing and enjoy your lovely family. You have much to be thankful for.

Don't let it ruin your life. Their loss. It's sad for your children but don't let it impact you.

It sounds like you were expecting too much from them tbh.

I mean you were using them for free childcare then had to work your shifts round them when they were unable to carry on doing it. Use a nursery/child minder like other people.

It sounds like your issues are with your BIL more than the PIL's. You seem jealous as he has the funds to live a better lifestyle. I;m not sure why you are so wrapped up in what he/they are doing anyway.

So they have seen your baby 6 times in 6 months. That's once a month. Sounds like a lot to me. My own parents and my IL's didnt see my two that often. They have busy lives and for some that's just the way it is.

You and your dh sound very needy. Lower your expectations on how often you think they should see you/your children and if DH's brother is a nasty piece of work then leave them all to it.

It sounds like they are toxic parents, and they have a 'golden child' and a 'scapegoat' - your H is the scapegoat, not the golden child, I'm afraid (though golden children don't exactly have a great life, as in some ways their toxic parents mess them up more!)
There's a great book called 'toxic parents' by Susan Forward which you might find helpful - it really opened my eyes towards my own in-laws.

I'm afraid you can't do anything to change this. You can't make them value you or your family more. But you CAN detach from them and insulate you and your lovely family from the worst aspects of their nasty behaviour. And so that's what you must do.

Good luck!

It must be soul destroying to feel that your children are being ignored or not as well thought of as your BIL's child, those feelings of rejection and inferiority cut deep no matter how hard you try to rationalise them but you have to carry on living your life. If the PIL cause you so much grief then perhaps it's best for them not to be a part of it so you can concentrate on just being your own family unit

Thanks for all your comments. I know already that I need to try and cut them out. It's hard when DS thinks they are the greatest people in the world and is always asking about them.

I think my big problem is that I came from a family where I had nothing as a child (I came from a large family where all my mothers siblings had done wlel for themselves and we were literlaly the poor relation) and though we are not well off - we do manage and get almost everything we want- they are so motivated by money that they make me feel like the poor relation again.

TRIFLE - we never used them for free childcare, they asked to help cos they wanted to be part of DS life. They saw him every week without fail - stayed for at least 1 weekend a month now nothing. My DS is totally lost as to why he nver sees them now, even said to me his fmaily don't know him anymore. As for BIL and his money - I'd love to have more money it would be a lie if I said I wouldn't but if the only way your parents want to be part of your life is if you pay for them then you can count me out. We're not needy - my DH and DS just want to be part of their parents lives.

Just bear in mind that it is their choice not seeing either their son or your kids, and ultimately in about 10-15 years time they are the ones that are going to regret not knowing your kids. They are the ones that are going to have missed out on them growing up.

If you four are happy as a family, then there is no problem in them being in your lives or not. Your children needs mum and dad. Anything else is a bonus.

My new years resolution was to stop trying to force my husband's family to have a relationship with my kids. Life is so much easier now. Ever since golden grandchild has arrived our kids have just not been on their radar. Golden grandchild goes on Butlin holidays, camping, overseas holidays, and pretty much lives at their house. They see our kids twice maybe thrice a year.

DH is now in charge of all their birthdays etc. which pretty much means (to my amusement) that they are getting nothing, no cards, no phonecalls. Ach I know they are blaming me, it's not really my problem though is it. Plus we are saving a fortune in petrol, and my stress levels are way down. I don't have to sit and pretend I am happy that golden grandchild is in our house whilst our kids are being ignored by the proud grandparents.

It sounds like your talking about my family there too to begin with my mil was involved with my dc when they were young and was always made to feel welcome in our home.
But as the years went on she came less and less to visit (she actually went shopping local to us but never came to visit).
My exdh used to get annoyed as she visted his s & b regularly (again db being the golden child).
In the end we just had to cut them out of our lives as it wasn't worth all the stress and grief.
My 2 dc only think of my parents as their gp's as they have been the ones who have been their for them all their lives.

My dc are now 14 & 18 and don't miss their other gp's at all and never really mention them so don't worry that your dc's are missing out they will know who loves them and who are good to them.

Thankfully I have now been separated 3 1/2 years and haven't talked to my toxic mil since then and hopefully I will never have to ever again...

Thanks very much everyone who replied. I'm trying really hard to just think that it is their lose. They are the ones who will need to be able ot live with it because I know I've done nothing wrong.

Your DS will stop talking about them soon, and memory fades. He'll have more immediate things to do and to think about. It is sad not to have gps in your life, but if they are of this type then ultimately you are better off without them.

I would be sorely tempted to tell all mainly members the truth of the situation, especially BIL, but t won't change anything and will probably make things worse. Mind you, it would take all my self-control not to email BIL back putting him right.

Sorry they're a useless, materialistic pair. Gives you an opportunity to make sure you teach your own children better values though!

I am married to the scapegoat child.
We know that in the gp eyes are children aren't as grrrreat as the golden boys'.
For years it really upset me that they didn't take much interest in our dd's but could talk non stop about bil's children.
Now, it just doesn't bother me,I made a conscious decision to just let it go.
We love our dd's dearly and they have many other loving family members and friends.
Oh! and my bil/sil are very materialistic too They know the price of everything and the value of sod all.

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