Before I blunder into bereavement, where would you ask a question about dealing with imminent death of someone about whom you have very very mixed feelings?

[Pagwatch]

That's it really.
My sister has just been given a terrible diagnosis which is not surprising but still difficult to try and...navigate. She and I don't speak. My mother and siblings will soon get involved. It's going to be grim.

I don't want to be processing my dislike amongst those dealing with the loss of loved ones. Where to post. (when I know where the fuck to start of course)

oh you poor thing. I totally understand how you feel. are you close to your mum and other siblings?

I think it depends on what aspect of this you want to talk about. If you'd like to mend your relationship with her while she's still here, then maybe 'relationships', or there's a 'what would you do' topic somewhere I think if your questions are more general family stuff. I'm sure 'bereavement' would be fine, but you probably wouldn't get a lot of posts from anyone other than those currently going through a bereavement - I know I've got that topic hidden and I guess many others have too.

Sorry to hear your sister has had such bad news though.

I'd go either here or Bereavement. Nobody dies perfect and nobody lives in perfect circumstances. Don't let yourself feel awkward and post wherever you want.

Pag I have the same situation with my Mum. It's hard to know what to do. Just post where you want to.

Oh hello

My Mum is great and we get on well. She will want to be understanding but I think she will want a big reconciliation and I just can't. I really don't think I can.
My siblings (and they are many) are a mixed bag. A couple are fab, a couple of dramaholics
I am trying to feel sad about it. But I don't. I dislike her immensely. That makes me awful but I can't help it.
But I am a bit teary too. I think I am grieving for how she and I should have been.
It's a mess. 40 years of backstory. Total mess.

Sorry, x-posted.

Thanks. I guess it is relationships really. I need to try and gather my thoughts. I am not even really sure what I want to get advice on just now.

Thank you all. I will post here when I am a bit less muddled.

ok, we're here when you need us.

Well, it looks to me like you want to talk about your relationship with your siblings and mother, in the context of your sister's diagnosis. So Relationships (where you are now) seems to be a good place for that, and it gets a lot of traffic.

Don't try to make yourself feel sad about it. There is no law which dictates that we must, just because we are related to someone by blood. You can feel regret for how things should have been, or how you wish they had been. My maternal grandmother turned into a dreadful person before she died - a lot of bad things happened to her, including the loss of her husband and son in quick succession, and she turned into a selfish, unpleasant woman who was quite vicious to my mother (her daughter). My mother was relieved when she died, and felt terrible about being relieved, but it was the most human reaction. In reality, my mother had lost her mother 2 years before and received this unlikeable person in her place. We mourned the person she had been, but not the one she had become.

Rambling now - will shut up.

And x-posted in my ramblings - sorry.

Ah yes, Pag, one thing that you will have to deal with is guilt. But it helps to get it all into perspective. Don't feel guilty about disliking your sister. Blood is not thicker than water. Just because someone is dying, doesn't make them a good person. I think that to have a rambling monologue stream of consciousness here might help you to organise your thoughts and for people to help you out with that.......

Don't apologise, that was helpful Poledra.

To be honest that is my problem really. I can't separate out all my feelings.
I can't tell what I really feel and what I am trying to, if that makes sense.
And where you say about mourning the person she once was is so true. I truly mourn her. But she is long gone.

everyone is right. there is no need to martyr bad people. some people are horrible. they just are. and I agree that you should mourn the sister that you could have had.

what Maryz said.

Oh yes, that makes sense Maryz.

I will be back with my rambling monologue. Have to collect dc. And try to remember all of them..

You are all really helpful and brilliant. Thanks. Honest, thanks!

This is the right board for you, Pag.

You'll need time to process the initial shock of hearing about your sister's prognosis.

Come back to this thread as and when you're able to express your thoughts which will, inevitably, be many and wide-ranging and which may take you for a walk on the dark side.

Shock can play some weird tricks on us; give yourself lots of tlc over the next few days, honey.

I had something similar when my mum died. In a way, I was mourning the kind, supportive mother I never had.

When I was in my 20s I decided to distance myself from her because she treated me badly (never cut contact entirely). When she died I was in my 40s and it brought up a lot of those feelings again. I wasn't sure if I was sad about her actual death or sad about the way she treated me. Probably both.

Could you channel your energies into supporting your mother? So, perhaps, feel sad for her rather than your sister?

I will probably face a similar thing to you in the future as I have an older sister with whom I don't speak. If I outlive her I don't know how I will deal with her death as there is no way I would want to be hypocritical and pretend to care when in fact I consider her gone already. But I think the way I will probably deal with it is by supporting other family members that I am close to. In that way I can be involved and close without having to directly deal with her.

There is also a forum called "life limiting illness" - I don't know how much traffic it gets, but posts there may be able to bring you useful insights into aspects of this that haven't even occurred to you yet.

Sticking here in Relationships might be your best bet. Because the biggie question that I see here is squarely "what do I want my relationship with my sister to be like in her dying days?" Because at is the one from which all else flows, both for you and the rest of your family. Take your time.

I agree with others, don't try to pretend about your feelings, but supporting your Mum might be a good way to go.

My maternal grandmother had a dreadful relationship with my mother and thus me and my sisters. Luckily my mum warned me, but at her funeral, my uncle stood up and read a beautiful eulogy about a grandmother that we never knew existed! Two of my cousins read poems that I just could not identify with and others sobbed all the way through, while me, my mum and sisters sat there dry-eyed and stunned!
I mourn the grand mother I should have had and am sad that my mother had such a non-relationship with her mother, but I don't feel guilty about not mourning her.

It's difficult when other family members have such a different relationship with someone, but you cannot help how you feel. Let them talk if they need to, but let your feelings out on here, so you don't hurt them.

In my experience of monumentally fucked up families and the pain they cause, I would advise you to mourn the loss of the relationship you never had with her. The one you wish you had, the one you're sad you didn't have. You need to come to terms with the fact that it didn't happen that way before you start to deal with the facts as of this diagnosis.

Otherwise, you will be in a total jumble (((((Paggy)))))

Also, don't feel guilty when you explore the emotions surrounding her. You'll touch on relief, that it will be over and that your future is one in which she won't be poisoning it. That will be a tough thing to realise and to come to terms with the fact that actually someones passing can be a positive thing for those left behind. Not joyous, but there could be a sense of relief that "it" is done. Over.

But for now, mourn the loss of what shoulda woulda coulda been. Then we'll chat about the next step. xx