Help - I need to support my DSis - but I really don't like the choice she made

[ProfCoxWouldGetIt]

I posted about this previously

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1472424-WIBU-to-call-the-police

After a short-ish seperation from the twat who ruined her Birthday, she is now back with him, mainly because she thinks he really loves her and won't do it again, but also secretly confided to me that she doesn't think she'll find love again.

Now she's a stunner, slim, blonde, smart, funny... I've been envious of her for as long as I can remember, she's also had the amazing attitude of she's happy and doesn't need a man to complete her... and now this

I don't know if he's knocked her confidence enough that she feels he's the best she'll get (Been there with Stupid Bastard Ex Husband) or what, but I cannot see why she has gone back to the guy.

BUT When she was going through this, I said I would support her no matter what she chose and that all I wanted was for her to be happy - so how do I do this when I think she's making a massive mistake?

Please help...

Tell her that you don't like him but you love her and you'll be there for when it goes wrong again. Tell her what you told us about being envious of her looks and personality and how she could have anyone she wanted. Be honest, in other words, but don't harp on. Too many of us find out that everyone thought we were making a big mistake and didn't like to say anything. Even if she thinks he's the best she can do and even if she doesn't like what you say, she will one day appreciate that at least you had the guts to be honest

Exactly what CES said.

Years ago someone very close to me chose to go back to a very abusive man. I told her what I thought but also said that she was an adult and had to make her own decisions and whatever she did I would support her because I loved her.

She went back to him and they had a child, he continued to be an abusive bastard, but at least she felt she could confide in me as I kept my promise and just supported her, eventually many years later she found the strength to leave him.

You just have to be there for her and hope one day she will realise.

Thank you for responding, CES sums it up perfectly...

I guess I need to move away from the big sister protective mode that I've found myself in, and just be there for her.

My DSis went back to her abusive boyfriend, and I stepped back. She knows I am there for her, but I won't subject myself or my children to him. She knows where I live...but I won't go back to her house.

JMHO

I just wanted to come back and update you all after you took the time to respond.

I had a chat with my sister and asked her if she was happy and she her response was less than enthusiastic, she says things are ok and he is making an effort to fix the things she has asked him to do, like finding a place of his own so she can visit him, rather than him always visiting her (because she shares with her friend and after all that happened her friend really doesn not like this guy one bit, and also he currently sleeps on the floor in his friends bedroom) she's also asked him to give up cocaine as he apprently has a serious problem with it, and was very high on it the night of her birthday.

But here's the bit that's worried me, he's asked her to marry him, which she has just laughed off, but he has also suggested she move back to Poland with him as he wants to start his own business, and she seems to be seriously considering this. I'm really worried that she's going to find herself in a foreign country with none of her support network, where she doesn't speak the local language and if it all goes wrong again, how is she going to get out?

I told her I just wanted her to be happy, but that I didn't think moving to Poland with him, especially now, was a good idea, maybe once they had sorted everything out and maybe even tried living together then yes sure consider it, but that I would really miss her.

Did I do the right thing? Should I have just kept my mouth shut, I'm used to being brutally honest with my sister (and her with me) but I do know we both have a stubborn steak and I don't want to push the issue.

The Lundy Bancroft Book Should I stay or should I go?

Give it to her and suggest she starts reading it? Not in a pushy way, but a 'I have heard this really helps sort out the wood from the trees'... way.

You did the right thing. It's her decision and you'll respect it, but it's a good thing that you told her what you think, and that you care.