How to handle ex-mother-in-law

[porridgelover]

OK I think I need advice about resetting my boundaries here.
STBExH was horrifically EA and VA - gaslighting, financial control, sense of entitlement, cut me off from friends and family. He walked out about 2 years ago- but I think it was a step he took thinking he would walk back in when he wanted and that I would be more cowed than ever.
I have had intensive counselling since then- recognised I was being abused, dysfunctional family of origin etc etc
We have 2 DC who have gone through a lot before and since. I have worked hard to maintain their relationship with their DF- ringing him to arrange access, having him over for birthdays, Cmas etc. Ditto with his parents- his DM rings me to ask for the kids to visit (they live a few doors away).

Over the past few months, I think exMIL thinks that she can regain the lost ground and is starting on her games again. I have a DS whom she adores; we were all out for coffee (her, me, DS and DD) when she starts at the table about DS 'he's wonderful isn't he, such a marvellous child'. Never comments like this about DD.

Today, she rang me to arrange her going to DD's school play. For last few years, I have bought tickets for them and exH- this year, I let Ex know when the play is on and waited to hear from him about if/when he wants tickets. She wants to buy my tickets from me!

I think I am torn between not wanting my children to be abandoned by their father and his parents vs standing up for myself. Any assertiveness is seen as aggressively preventing them seeing them.

Porridge, glad to hear you're in therapy, please understand that our recovery is in steps.

There are plateaus, but then there are steps to ascend. we have good days and bad days.

As we grow stronger, stuff comes to the surface. It's hard, but it has to be processed and dealt with. Burying it isn't an option, as it WILL come out one way or another.

Just seen, you live a FEW DOORS AWAY fron the IL?

You need to move. Asap.

If you do not like your exMIL, you really do not have to see her! Let your DD and your DS see their grandmother when they are with their father.

ExH drops them at the IL and then goes off to work by the sounds of it, the access to this poisonous pair is on HIS watch.

Thank you all. I am a bit overwhelmed with this.
I said originally, I thought I needed to re-set my boundaries....well I am beginning to think that they really were not that well set to start off with.
Its hard for me to see myself as a victim...he never hit me. But the more I talk it through here the more I can see that things I put up with in my own family and with ex's family are just not right and are bizarre. During the marriage there was constant verbal abuse, remarks, gaslighting, put-downs, lies.
I was constantly 'losing' things in the house- money, jewelry, a habit I seem to have recovered from since he left so I suspect he was hiding/taking stuff.
We looked at many many houses but our offers on everything fell through until this one near his parents came up.
It emerged in mediation that he had secreted money away overseas.
He humiliated me in front of the children and encouraged them to laugh at me with him.

But a lot of what he said about me was stuff I heard growing up- that nobody could live with me, that I was intolerant and intolerable. I am 'moody, difficult, anti-social'. I 'expect too much'.
My brother wanted to invite ex to his upcoming wedding in August, cos 'he's not that bad'.

I have to confess that I do allow the children to see their grandparents myself not just when ex drops them there....he seems to use his access times to leave them there and go off. The kids of course, want to spend time with dad and GP- they are spoiled and allowed to do what they want.
YY being a few doors away makes that more difficult- as we walk past their door regularly.

I am a prat and am obviously much more co-dependent than I thought.
It's even very difficult for me to hear what you guys say because you are passing through a filter that says I must be exaggerating.

You are NOT exaggerating love. You are in most likelihood NORMALISING the situation.

I can't believe he STOLE from you, and by association from the KIDS!

I hope you got the money he secreted back, or a portion of it.

I think you need to move.

I think you need some space.

Has he signed the house over to you? can you sell it easily? Could you rent it out and rent somewhere else?

You need to reduce contact with these people, you ALL need to heal and this adoration of one, ignorance of another is not acceptable. You are on a NO WIN whatever happens if you allow this to continue.

The only way to stop it is to stop contact.

Spoiling the kids and allowing them to do whatever they want is AS abusive as denial of all fun in a way.

I really think you need to move. I realise that's easier said than done when you own the bloody house, but having them a few doors away is intolerable. They can pop round unannounced, keep an eye on you, and manipulate you merely by their close proximity. You need to get away from these people - physically put some distance between you and them - to create some privacy and personal space for yourself. It will be much easier to keep them away from you and your DC if they can't stick their head out of the window and see your car in the driveway and know you're at home.

And if there is no formal agreement in place you don't have to play ball with anyone - particularly your ex's parents. You can play as hard as you like. I would get some legal advice if I was you, keep up with the counselling - and move!

oh lovely, I was also never hit. He was too clever for that. I also thought that things weren't as bad for me as those who are hit - I used to read DV literature on the quiet, for years, thinking I couldn't possibly show my face in any support group or call any support line. It wasn't until some professional or other suggested I went into a refuge and I was astonished: 'but I've never been hit!' I protested; to which she said what I'd had was much worse. That was confirmed when I finally went along to a Womens Aid domestic abuse support group and the other women said they'd be hit any day rather than the silent and deadly stuff. It was a long road for me to get to where I could finally see I had been a victim of terrifying abuse.

What you describe sounds horrifying BUT please recognise how far you've come. yy it's disheartening when you battle over a mountain only to see another one in front of you (you have my sympathies) but it sounds to me that your boundaries have not been zero. Just that now you're faced with setting some more. Don['t beat yourself up about how far you've come and derisory about it: what you've done is herculian.

Agree with hissy that you are not exaggerating it but have been trained to accept this horrifying abuse as normal (your family of origin set all that in motion, so it goes deep. Join the club...). It isn't normal, it is shocking. You are challenging and questioning it all though, which may seem like small steps but they are not, they are giant. These are not platitudes I'm dishing out to you to make you feel better!

At the risk of nagging (I don't care!), please get along to the Freedom Programme . It is an extremely good course. I was in my horrific marriage over 20 years ago and have sampled all the literature and support over the years: these beats it all, hands down.

hissy, juneau, springy- thank you for taking the time to 'talk' to me. I was thinking about this as I was going about my day...and I'm sure you understand when I say that I felt quite self-indulgent. Who am I with my little problem to expect anyone to listen or pay attention to my whining.

Some defiant part of me said back 'well to hell with that, its the internet- noone has to read or comment and if I write it out its a bit clearer to me'.
So thank you for agreeing that this is not all my character flaws looking for attention.
Now that I have started to think about moving, I feel relief....there isn't a hope of him signing it over to me. He still has a room full of his stuff- he is of course 'entitled' to have it there as he 'owns' the house. (jointly bought, joint names on mortgage, joint decision that I would stay at home once kids born since my income was so 'meagre' that we could do without it). BUT they wouldnt be able to report back to him when I'm there or when I leave.

springy you are not remotely nagging I appreciate your concern and desire to help. I looked at the website, read the amazon reviews. There isn't a course near me. The local library doesnt have a copy so I will save and get it.
My counsellor did say that what I described was the worst she had ever come across- but TBH I brushed that off as being dramatic.....I find it really hard to think of myself as a victim; I am a coper, I was the eldest child, it's my self-image to see myself as bit hard, a stayer.