Any social workers or wise mumsnetters able to advise me please

[feellikearubbishmummy]

Short story cut short
Been separated for approx 6 years, have ds who is 9. He stays with his dad every other weekend for which we have a contact order agreement.
Over the last year ds has become very reluctant to go to his dads and it has been a constant battle to get him to go with much persuasion from me.
Ds is often left with a relative during his contact weekend with his dad and Ds hates being left with this relative and about 6 days before going back to his dads begins to get upset and says I dont want to go as daddy will leave me with 'relative' I have to say this is destroying me knowing that I am sending him somewhere he does not want to be and which makes him so upset.

Last year ds was being bathed by relative and he said that it was to hot relative tested the water and said no its not and added more hot water. The last weekend ds spent there this happened again he said it was hot but was told not to be silly and more hot was added to the bath, ds said he kept having to stand up to get out of the hot water (my heart breaks)
There are other issues which include him being shouted at criticised and belittled all of this happens when his dad is not around.

Said relative does not like me and I feel the hatred towards me is being taken out on ds.

The reason for my post is that I am at a loss at what I can do,The pain I feel inside knowing ds is unhappy is tearing me apart. I have spoken to childrens services who tell me I am responsible for ds happiness and wellbeing and advised me to see a solicitor to request ds not to be left alone with relative. I did this but nothing has changed.
We have the contact order so I cant break that and I am also aware that what ex does with Ds during his weekend is his choice but this is at the expense of ds happiness.

It's quite simple. Break the contact order. He does not want to go, you say he is being abused whilst under his fathers care. You've contacted children's services, you've instructed a solicitor. Nothing has changed.

Let him take you to court.

I would normally be the last person to say break a contact order, but on this occasion I would, have you spoken to your ex about hts happening hen he's with the relative?

What houseofpain said.

Break the contact order, it will go back to court and then you can request that this relative is not left in charge of ds.
I would also keep account of all ds has said including dates.
You cannot send him back, if your ex has a problem, tell him you has no choice as he clearly is not able to put ds needs above his own.

Agree with everyone else.
Keep a diary.
Dont send your ds.
Let him take you to court.

Good luck

Before breaking the contact order, keep a diary of events. Can you remember dates etc to make a diary now and backtrack a bit?

Also, copies of emails to ex and solicitor

He doesnt believe me due to issues of relative not liking me when we were together.

For some strange reason he recently applied for an enforcement of the contact order, not sure why as he has been the only one that has cancelled weekends and ds just stayed with me.

Judge would not agree to this enforcement but did request CAFCASS speak to us (maybe because of what I put into my statement about DS reluctance to go) so I am hoping this will be my chance to make changes but maybe I am clutching at straws. I have had a letter from CAFCASS who will contact me in next few weeks.

Part of me feels like going into the court and asking to speak to the judge to see whether contact can be stopped until CAFCASS have spoken to me and possibly Ds.

It is a real shame as ds loves being with his dad but this is being ruined.

Is your ds nearing 10 yet?

No recently turned 9.

What is the wording of the contact order and has your ex given you any reason why he leaves ds in the care of this relative?

When your ds is left with the relative, does he remain in your ex's home or is he taken to the relative's home? How long does your ds remain in the care of the relative? Is it just for an hour or two or is your ex absent overnight?

When your solicitor wrote to your ex about this matter, was a copy of the letter sent to the relative?

You should seek to have your ds's distress recorded by other parties and, to this end, I would suggest that you speak to your ds's headteacher about your concerns and ask for your ds to be referred to an educational psychologist or spoken to by other qualified personnel who will enable him to articulate his fears.

If your ds is experiencing trouble sleeping in the nights running up to contact weekends, take him to his GP who will take notes of your ds's state of mind that can be used in any further Court proceedings.

Until such time as this matter is resolved to the satisfaction of your ds and yourself, I would also suggest that you suspend any further contact.

If you should need to return to Court it is to be hoped that your ex will be required to give an undertaking that your ds will not be left in the care of any other parties without the Court's approval or your prior knowledge and consent.

Good post Izzy

dont think of it in terms of "breaking" the contact order. Put in writing (through solicitor if poss) that until such time as cafcass has been able to speak with all concerned / matter goes back to court you need his assurance that ds will not be left in another's care during his father's contact time.... if he can't give you a formal assurance re this then contact will be suspended... is court aware of problem as you've set it out here? you might want to think about making your own application to vary the contact order ie "the father is not to leave [ds] in the sole care of X / another during his contact times.... " or whatever you think is best for ds. the contact is meant to be for ds's benefit, to be about maintaining a relationship with non resident parent. being left in another adult's care and being unhappy about it is not the point of contact.... good luck

Yup, document everything and stop contact. Remember that you are not the one being unreasonable.

There is a significant difference between wilfully breaking the terms of a contact order for no good reason and temporarily suspending contact in the best interests of the child.

It would seem that when his f leaves him in the care of a certain relative, your ds is subject to verbal, emotional, and physical abuse.

Although your ex may be unwilling to believe your account, he will find it difficult to refute if professionals such as teachers, GPs, and the like are able to confirm it after speaking to your ds.

Thanks all for taking the time to reply with great ideas. I have written a letter to the Judge at the court asking for permission to stop contact temporarily. This will hopefully be the start of things getting better for all of us most importantly ds.

Get your ds's distress about contact recorded independently to support your letter and before you meet with Cafcass.

i'm another one voting for withholding contact, at least until cafcass are actively involved. get the school onside to be watching out for changes in behaviour etc, they have been brilliant at doing this for me, and it means another independent opinion on the effects of your son. good luck xx

It's highly irregular to write direct to a judge unless you are a relative/friend/colleague or are writing on a matter entirely unconnected with an ongoing case.

If you haven't sent the letter, I suggest you tear it up as the judge will be constrained not to grant permission for you suspend contact as this is a matter that is more properly dealt with within the remit of the Court.

The way forward would be make an application to the Court which will enable the other side/party to give their input at any Hearing of the matter.

However, in this instance, as you are waiting to be contacted by Cafcass you're best advised to get your ds's distress noted by an independent party such as his school, GP, or similar, and inform your ex that, unless he is willing to guarantee that he will not leave ds with this relative again, you are temporarily suspending contact pending the outcome of your conversation(s) with Cafcass.

If your ex wishes to spend money making an application to the Court, you can present evidence from his school/GP etc to the effect that ds is adversely affected by being left with other relatives while in his df's care.

Thanks Izzyizin, I have sent you a message.