Does it help for couples to share faith?

[spixblue]

I am agnostic and my husband is a Christian. When we met, he tried to interest me in his faith and I tagged along to church. It just wasn't for me and it caused a few arguments. Before we got married, we agreed to disagree over the question of our attitude to faith.
Lately though, it feels like he's attemtping once more to convert me. Also, he seems to have a very close friendship with an ex-girlfriend who is a Christian. I feel a bit jealous and a bit like I don't really know my husband. Are we doomed?

Yes. It's OK for people to have different opinions, faiths, hobby-horses, political beliefs etc. if they are happy to respect each other's point of view. When they try to persuade you to their opinion or when their opinion translates into the partner playing second-fiddle it's a slippery slope.

BTW... he didn't 'agree to disagree'. He thought he would marry you in the hope he could change you. How long have you been married?

For me it would be a biggie - sometimes I think our shared faith is the one thing that kept us together through difficult times.

Things are difficult for us at the moment, and it does feel like we reconnect on Sundays, especially when 'passing the peace'.

(Been married for over 20 years.)

Well, of course it helps but that doesn't mean it can't work if you don't. What you need to consider is what happens over children and bringing them up in your dh's faith and how you feel about that.
I go to Church and dh doesn't, but he's quite happy that I go, and that I've always taken the dcs with me. He's not ravingly against church either, and will come a couple of times a year if the dc are taking a big part in the service. OTOH, I don't try and convert dh, and he doesn't try to stop me going, so there are no issues for us like you seem to have.

For me absolutely. My husband and I are atheists and I wouldn't have considered marrying a man who, by way of his faith, believed in a mind reading deity, me going to hell for not believing the same etc etc.
Did you marry him in a church? Religious weddings have you vow religious stuff to each other, what have you's decided on your child/future children's upbringing?
For religious couples I'm sure it's an important feature of their marriages.
I wouldn't be at all happy about his closeness with an ex, irrespective of her beliefs.

I think it's tough if the 'faith' part of the couple is quite entrenched in their faith. It's my experience (and I only speak for myself here) that people with a faith are more likely to proselytise than atheists/agnostics/those who don't care either way.

Personally, although we are raising our children with a faith, we are both fairly relaxed about it 9more Deist really, me anyway) and I would always have chosen not to be with someone who has a very strong religious faith because it leads to too many issues wrt children etc.

In your case, I'd be pissed off about his attempt to convert you.

I think as you're married already, it's more about the two of you and your relationship; he may not be trying to 'convert' you as such, but to share something that's important to him? Have you tried to talk to him about it? When I was in relationships with people who didn't share my faith, I wanted to talk to them about it and about my experiences because it's important to me, but not to convert them to it, more like sharing what I did on a night out. He may not realise you see it as trying to convert you.

In terms of his ex-girlfriend, I don't think it's an issue that he has a close relationship with her; my husband and I are both Christians, and he has a close relationship with his ex (only one gf before me) however I'm also now friends with her and her husband. Is she someone you know, or could get to know? In my situation, DH and his ex are friends because they had so much history that he didn't want to throw away 3 1/2 years of friendship/ relationship building, so worked on having a friendship with her.

Ultimately, your husband chose to marry you, not his ex; that's the most important part to focus on. :)

"It just wasn't for me and it caused a few arguments."

That's not good.

DH and I have different beliefs, and wouldn't dream of trying to convert each other! We've definitely never argued about it

In what way do you think he is trying to convert you?

I think it's fine to have different beliefs, and also for one to have a belief and one not.

but! it should be clear to each other that that's the fact, and not to try to change each other.

it definitely does help yes.
differing can be problematic, not always, but particularly when one or both partners abandon agreed methods of approaching/accepting those differences.

which is what your H sounds like he is doing.

It's all about respect, your husband shouldn't be trying to convert you, and only you know how friendly this friend really is with him. I think it's possible to live in different faiths/one faith-no faith relationships very happily but not if one person doesn't have respect for the other.

It is fine to have different beliefs so long as you both respect each other's views. Can you talk to your DH about how you feel?

My Dh was baptised but believes in nothing now, I am a catholic. He is sometimes dismissive of my beliefs but so long as we can discuss, or agree to disagree out of earshot of the children its fine.

I couldn't be with someone who believed in God but my brother's fiancée is a Christian and he's going to church with her so they can have a church wedding. I think they can make it work as they've been honest about their beliefs. She understands that for my family science is fact and that while we'll try to be polite, we find her faith somewhat odd. She knows better than to try and convert my brother and he is happy she finds comfort in her faith. I don't understand how it works but it seems to.

What sort of Christian is he? Basically, if he's of the happy-clappy variety or a traditionalist wooly Anglican, that's one thing: if he belongs to one of the more basically right-wing churches that believe (among other bullshit) that women are inferior to men then you have more problems ahead than just his imaginary friend, because the pressure you are feeling is not just about you buying into his brand of mythology, it's about you 'knowing your place'.

apart from the comment about "imaginary friend" , i agree with what sgb says here - right-wing churches do tend to force their beliefs/methods on people.

DH is an agnostic, I am a devout catholic, and I can say hand on heart it has never been an issue in our relationship. I have always loved him for what he is, a wonderful and agnostic man, so why would I try to change him? That doesn't stop us having interesting discussions about religion, which think are enriching for both of us.
I think your DH needs to love you and respect you for who you are, not as a soul to save.

Very many thanks all for your insights. I'll just add some more information to the mix: We've been married six years (following a registry office ceremony) and have 2 dcs (who both go to church every so often with their dad). I feel he's trying to convert me because he's often quoting from the bible, saying grace every time we eat and holding my hand when he is praying every night. I used to experience these things with bemusement but now they just make me feel a sense of not belonging. The other bugbear is the amount of money he donates to the church. It used to be £250 a month by direct debit but after I saw this on his bank statement I had a wobbly. He reduced it dramatically to £50 a month. The church is run as a charity, but as far as I can tell the money goes to the upkeep of the church's properties. He is in a good public sector job, but I am currently unemployed and feel financially dependent. So many issues! Many of my own making too. He is a really excellent father and a very caring husband, but the faith thing knaws at me.

If he's in a seriously evangelical church he will be culturally expected to tithe - that's giving 10% of his income to the church. And yes, churches are registered charities, so it will all be above board. (The National Trust is also a charity, you know, and that's all about giving money for the upkeep of buildings.)

I'm probably going to sound a bit harsh here. I recognise that his saying grace and holding your hand while he prays might be a bit full-on - but you really, really don't like his religious side, do you? It sounds to me like you think he's deluded and cultish, and kind of a bit creepy.

Or is that too harsh?

Well, I think a frank discussion is in order. Your traditions in your household need to work for both of you. If you don't want to say grace, just don't, say 'that's daddy's thing' and move away. I wouldn't be holding hands with anyone at night for prayer, it is HIS prayer, not yours and you need to redraw your boundaries.

I am with a man who is serious about his faith, but we see it very much as HIS faith, it's not mine at this point in time, and I am happy with the amount of involvement (odd visit to church with children, wouldn't mind grace being said myself but no hand holding during prayers, how odd when it is not your faith!)

Just tell him you're not comfortable with saying grace at table or hand-holding when praying. It's not that you don't belong but, if you don't share this interest of his, it's very inconsiderate and insensitive of him to force you to take part. The money thing is also a problem, not because it's going to a church, but because it's family money and the expense should have been discussed beforehand as a joint agreement.

In your shoes I would not like playing second fiddle to a church.

I think you need to have a respectful and most importantly frank discussion about the situation. As you are not religious, I can understand your discomfort about him holding your hand during prayer. I have to say I wouldn't dream of doing that to DH. On the saying grace and bible quoting, I think it depends a lot of how and why he does it. FWIW, I say grace at sunday lunch after mass, and I sometimes quote from the bible if we're talking and that's what comes into my head.
In your case, you said you had rows about his attitude to you regarding religion even before you married, which suggests the whole situation is not sorted. It probably needs to be if you two want your marriage to be a happy one, and for this I think the only thing to do is for both of you to talk very frankly about how you feel, and try to listen carefully to each other, to understand and respect each other's point of vue, without the discussion turning into an argument to be won.
Sorry, I've just realised this turned a bit preachy...

I would also include in your discussion the female friend who is also a Christian. It may be all entirely innocent and she may be a good friend, but you are feeling excluded from this aspect of your husband's life.